Mittwoch, November 30

Dick move of the day:
Buy jeans a few sizes too big and constantly pull them from your waist and go "Look, my fat jeans don't fit me anymore!"

I never mail postcards when I'm on vacation. The only way I would mail a postcard is if I had a friend who was dreadfully afraid of foreign postcards. That's it.

If a married man is also a womanizer who sleeps around, and then he decides to mend his ways, doesn't anyone care about all the hoes he used to screw? These are women who not only aren't able to land a guy for themselves, but have to settle for scraps of attention from a taken man. These sorry little bitches need love too!

Dienstag, November 29

Dick move of the day:
Ask for 'no ice' when ordering a beverage.

I think almost every guy in the world goes through the same experience with facial hair. You think hey maybe I'd look cool with just a little bit of hair over here, and a few months later you look back and realize that you just looked dirty the whole time.

I'm an excellent debater. I love to argue, I never ever lose. Ask any of the people who used to be my friends and they'll tell you, I never lose.

Vin Diesel doesn't cut his nails. When they get too long, he just gives him a real stern eye and they just break right off.

I tell everyone that I think babies' faces are the cutest when they sneeze, and nobody cares.
I throw pepper in my sisters face over and over, and everyone flips out.

When I was a kid, the first car we owned had a hole in the floor. I'm not talking like a tiny little peephole, I'm talking like Flinstones car hole for running on the ground. My Dad told me it was "our care-free garbage can."

Dan shopping for cars:

Salesman: "Hey, look at how SHINY this one is!"
Me: "I'll take it!"

I would take Jennifer Anistron over Angelie Joe-Lie any day of the week.
You can just look at Angelina and tell that she's got a whole set of strange fucking fetishes.
She reminds me of a preying mantis, I feel like she would kill me and eat my head after sex.

I like to report false celebrity sightings to websites, like "I saw Alf buying a hot pretzel on 38th street."

Guess what kid,
nobody fucking cares.

This week's drug is: Special K
"It's not just for cats anymore."

I wish we could kill celebrities for charity.
Raise 10,00 dollars, and we'll hang Drew Barrymore.
Donate 500,000 dollars towards breast cancer, and Spike Lee gets a lethal injection.
Give 1,000,000 dollars for World Peace and Paris Hilton gets gunned down by a firing squad.

I used to lift weights, now all I do is eat cheesecake all the time.

Often I have these day dreams where I imagine myself being interviewed on the Conan O'Brien show. I'm always terribly witty and it's not like one of those interviews where I'm trying too hard to be funny and stealing the spotlight from Conan I know it's his show but also it's not like he's carrying me, it's a meeting of two equal doofy funny dudes. I've had a number of imaginary interviews, but in the last one Conan actually asked me WHY I was invited on the show and I DIDNT HAVE AN ANSWER. If I can't have a fake talk with Conan go right in my head, chances of it ever actually going through is mighty slim unfortunately. I'll probably have to settle for Jimmy Kimmel Live or some shit.

I hear that the first time you fire a shotgun, you shit your pants. It's neuroscience or some shit.

Can you get tourrets syndrome if nobody ever teaches you any curse words?

If I was President, first order of business would be to get rid of all these double states. North and South Dakota, East and West Virginia. Give me a fucking break. Get over your fucking selves. You are not worth two states. No more doubles. Second order of business will be to add Staten Island to New Jersey, and then to immediately declare war on New Jersey. And watch out Jersey, because I WILL use nukes.

Remember when we were kids and roller-blades were the rage? I used to have this pair that were too tight and made my ankles bleed. I also was not very good and often fell and scraped off large patches of my skin on the ground. Occasionally I would be coerced into a roller-blade hockey game where eventually I would be struck in the groin by a stick or ball. Once I tripped over a crack in a sidewalk and nearly snapped my ankle in two. I fucking hate roller-blades.

I've noticed whenever a Seinfeld episode comes on, I do the same thing everytime. After realizing which episode it is, be it Soup Nazi or Man Hands or The Marble Rye, I go "Oh, this is a good one!" I have yet to have an episode come on and say "This one sucks," so there really is no need to keep commenting on when a good episode comes on.

It's a common misconception that "The Santa Clause" is actually a childs movie. This Tim Allen comedy starts off with the tool man accidentally MURDERING SANTA CLAUSE! The rest of the movie glosses over this morbid detail, but I for one wouldn't let my kids watch Santa Clause fall off a roof and snap his neck on Christmas. We live in a sick, twisted world.

Mittwoch, November 23

Dick move of the day:
Use deoderant all over your body.

Sometimes beating my own kids isn't enough. Then I have to go to my neighbors house and beat their kids.

A lot of teachers think they're pretty smart using words I don't understand but I always think to myself, "Hey, I may not know what 'syntax' means, but at least I'm smart enough to know your comb-over isn't fooling anyone."

The tourists are oblivious!

-You are a terrible person.

-Oh c'mon. At least I helped Katrina victims.

-You donated all your Ben Affleck movies. That doesn't help anyone.

Yeah sunsets are amazing, but you know what else is amazing? The fact that billions of tiny little cells are all working together simultaneously to give us something as simple as cognitive thought. But fuck that, lets look at the pretty colors. OOoooh, orangey-reddish delight!

Dienstag, November 22

I think 'Fetus' might be my all time least favorite word.

I plan on going on this all liquid diet, dropping about 30 pounds, taking a photo just to prove I can do it, and then immediately put all the weight back on.

Dick move of the day:
Stick your lit cigarette in the eye of a small child.

I like the idea of rims on cars, but I don't think it should stop there. You know those kids with those giant holes in their ears? Don't you think it'd be hot if they had spinners in their ears?

My new motto:
You can't get anything worse than a flaccid penis.

Sonntag, November 20

The fact that we still have an energy problem is ridiculous. If you took every single person in the world and burned their eyebrows for energy, you would save the world.


I've already figured out what my first kids science project is going to be. Building a suit of indestructible armor out of Nalgene bottles. And you know who's going to buy it? Anyone who works at a White Castle. Guaranteed.

Have you ever masturbated but felt so pathetic about it that you banged on the wall with your other hand so your neighbors thought you were having sex? Yeah, me neither.

I've decided my new nickname is Dan "The Anchor" Cunningham. Feel free to call me Anchor next time you see me.

I have seriously never understood the need to play music at a ludicrously high volume.

You know them asian bitches who eat their own vomit? How the fuck they do that?

- Hey, do you know who Pavlov is?

- No, doesn't ring a bell.

I had a ridiculous day yesterday. I decided to stay in and do some laundry. Everybody tried to get me to go out to the bars and I was all like NO WAY MAN. So I go down with a basket of laundry and there's this guy down there washing his wife-beaters and listening to his boom box, blaring the White Stripes "Seven Nation Army." So as I calmly explain to him that although he has shitty taste in clothing and music and that's cool man I don't judge but could you just turn down the music a tad, he freaks out and chucks his nextel at me. I caught it with my teeth and bit down hard, crushing the inferiorly constructed machine to bits. Then I opened up the washing machine filled with his wife beaters and spit the pieces of his phone in with them. He tried to throw a limp fisted punch at my chest and ended up breaking his hand on the flask I always carry in my front pocket. He began whimpering in pain and I almost considered letting him be, but just then his stereo went to the next song which happened to be "When September Ends" by Green Day. I stuck his head in the dryer and smashed the door on it over and over until I was fairly certain he was dead, and then I washed my laundry.

I had a dream once where I went down to the beach with my friends and we were chillin and havin a good time, and then we decided to go in the water. I jump in with my boogie-board all excited, but as soon as we hit the water my boogie-board started to like melt kind of. Then I looked down at it and realized it wasn't a boogie-board at all, but merely a shirt that I had pleasured myself on so much that it had become rock hard.

I'm not a druggie, but I just love the phrase "pill popper." It sounds like so much fun. I feel like a "pill popper" sounds like it would be a great entertainer for a childs birthday or something. What the hell am I talking about?

I think there should be a word for "punch in the face," you know? Something like:
I totally paced that guy!

Since paced is already a word I guess it wouldn't work too well but whatever.

The girls basketball coach in high school would tap the girls on the inside of their upper legs with a yard stick if they did something wrong. I'm pretty sure he had relations with some of them, but I never told anyone.

You know the type of person who says things like "What would the world be like if the toilet was never invented?" Can we just like, get rid of these people?

Biggest crock of shit ever: deaf people. You can't hear? Give me a break. Stop faking it you asses.

I used to love Sundays. Every Sunday, my uncle Bob would come by and take me and my brothers out for a drive. We'd go to the local bakery and he'd buy us black and white cookies. Then he'd drive over to Bayshore and throw the uneaten black parts of the cookies at black people on the sidewalk screaming "GO BACK TO AFRICA!" Uncle Bob always told us to leave out that last part when we told our mom what we did, because "she's a nigger lover" he said.

I don't want my mom to get too relaxed at home because relaxation is the first step towards laziness so occasionally I'll shit on the floor to keep her on her toes.

My friend went dressed up for Halloween as the guy from the Quaker Oatmeal box. Most common guess as to what his costume was: Hacitic Jew.

I kid you not, the title for this picture is:
"We are so hot... and were good people too"

If I was a teenage girl who turned to anorexia to be beautiful, my defense would be that I wasn't trying to lose weight but that I was just emulating Ghandi. Then any would-be accusers would hang their heads in shame, and I could finally be skinny enough so that people would finally love me.

Dick move of the day:
Fart in the elevator.

I was always taught growing up that it didn't matter what you looked like. Whether you are Asian or African or German or Mexican, the only thing that really matters is how much money you have.

Accomplishments are overrated. Like how I tried for days to piss into my own mouth, and when I finally pulled it off I was like "Why am I doing this?"

You know what's more awkward than asking your friend if he's gay when he isn't? Attempting to send nude pics of yourself via cell-phone to your girlfriend and accidentally sending them to your moms cell phone. Granted she's seen my ding-a-ling before, but I bet she seeing me with my hard-on in hand is a different experience.

I have a pin that says "BOOM, HEADSHOT!"
Believe me, in a Halo group, that pin kills.

We partied hard core last night. I made out with this chick outside the bar for like 30 minutes straight. It wasn't until I looked at the pics from my digital cam today that I found out she wasn't the cute little girl I thought, but actually just a telephone pole.

Samstag, November 19

I wish there was a drug you could take that made you speak German.

I've always drank orange juice because it's chock full of Vitamin C and good for my body. But I've recently noticed that not just orange juice, but ANY kind of juice is filled to the brim with Vitamin C. Apple Juice - 100% Vitamin C, Grape Juice - 100% Vitamin C, Cranberry Juice - 120% Vitamin C. For the past few years I think I've been ingesting 1000% Vitamin C a day.

Mittwoch, November 16

I was going to rant about Spike Lee movies but I just don't have the time so here's a summation:

Montag, November 14

If you can't be funny, never be afraid to settle for just being an ass.

Samstag, November 12

It's good to have goals in life. Gets you in gear, keeps you focused. One of my goals is to someday have a high school named after me.

Freitag, November 11

Donnerstag, November 10

"I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons:

I am not a member of Queen.
I do not like motorcycles.
I am not Rod Stewart.
I am not French.
I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car."


` The fir tree looked at the lovely garden and then at itself. It thought of its youth in the forest and of Christmas Eve and of the little mice in the attic.
g "I was happy and I never even knew it!" said the old tree. "I always wanted something else. Now it's all past, gone forever!"
` The the servant came and set fire to the tree. It blazed brightly and sighed deeply, thinking of its happy past and how foolish it had been. Each sigh was like a little shot. And then the tree was burned to ashes.

It's on all our minds, so I'm just going to say it.
3D Pinball for Windows? Yeah, 3D my ass.

Dick move of the day:
Buy a Sony PSP

This is the ending to the NES classic, Bubble Bobble.
You don't see games with inspirational messages like this anymore.

My roommate is lactose intolerant, yet he can't help himself sometimes. Every weekend, he gets a cyclone from Friendly's and eats the whole thing. Then he spends the entire evening passing gas. Sometimes it's so thick I feel like I might die. Lactose intolerant little prick.

I'm a huge fan of Burger King commercials, but I'm sick of these stupid ones overtaping the King into football games. I think they should take videos of old racial beatings and put him those. Like, how about the Rodney King beating? Get it?

The saddest thing in the world is a funeral convoy that , while on its way to the cemetary, runs over a family of baby ducks crossing the road.

Mittwoch, November 9

alright, im going to austin this weekend to see a good friend. we always throw huge parties when im up there and this weekend will be the same. anyway, my friend recently hooked up with a fatty and weve been joking about it for the past few days. well, i seriously plan on letting him get stoned/drunk, and then convincing him that it would be a good idea to hook up with another fatty...even tho it isnt a good idea at all. im also taking my camera up there. blackmail

If I woke up looking like that, I would walk towards the nearest living thing and kill it.

"Hey, maybe we should film this."
-Paris Hilton

Arrested Development and The Office are proof that if a sitcom doesn't have a laugh track then the cable-watching public won't think it's funny.

Dienstag, November 8

I happened to be in the philosophy department today, and while waiting I overheard this conversation between two philosophy professors:

Professor #1: You always have this look on your face.
Professor #2: What look?
Professor #1: It's a mixture of guilt and glee.
(Mild Laughs)
Professor #2: Do you mean objective guilt?
(Hearty Laughs)
Professor #1: No, I meant subjective guilt!

Tired of getting shut down from virgins who "just aren't ready yet?" Try an abortion clinic! Popped hymens as far as the eye can see.

Montag, November 7

Disapprove - Approve
Disinterested - Interested
Distrust - Trust
Disgusting - Gusting?!?

Gust: (verb) I gusted all over her.

Mikey, the Bud Light model.

WARNING: Drinking Bud Light may cause sleeves to fall off.

Dick move of the day:
Play a college sport.

My parents always told us that our uncle Scotty was retarded and we always felt so bad for him. It wasn't until years later when we grew up that we realized that he wasn't retarded, but simply an alcoholic.

I've been thinking of getting a webcam and setting up a website entirely comprised of videos of me eating large sandwhiches. The name would probably something simple like "Dan's Hungry," something that isn't too flashy but grows on you with a quiet sort of dignity.

You know who I fucking hate? Those people who always talk about how much they love the beach, and never go in the water. Wtf is the point of going to the beach if you don't like going swimming? Only an asshole loves sand that much. These douchebags act like the sun only works at the beach, when really they just want people to see them getting a tan. We don't care about your bronzed skin assholes, now get out of the way for people who actually do shit at the beach.

The saddest thing in the world is a father pushing his daughter on her beautiful pink bicycle as she laughs happily past a little girl in a wheelchair, who silently sobs and rolls herself away.


I have a sore throat. It's the avian flu. I'm going to die.

I always feel so awkward in social situations. It's because I just KNOW someone is going to ask me if I've ever seen 'Saving Private Ryan' and when I invariably respond that I haven't, that they'll look at me with a mix of surprise, pity and disgust.

If I ran the world, twins and such would not be allowed. One of everyone is more than enough. After the first kid came out, every succeeding child would be killed. If you're a twin, don't take this the wrong way, but if I was in charge you'd be dead right now.

When I own my own deli, it's name will be:

"Hey Jim, let's try here!"

I got this really cool eraser that whenever you erased something, the shit disappeared but it didn't leave behind any of that shitty rubber stuff. You'd rub the eraser across the page and the shit was gone, period. So my question is, where the fuck did the eraser go? If it's not leaving anything behind, what's going on? Is it being converted into pure energy or what?

Nobody says 'ass-be-lonker' anymore.
In fact, no one ever really did.

How much is it for this large popcorn? Eight dollars? Ok, let's see, so if I give you 6 Serenity keychains, what's left, say like 4 bucks? What do you mean you don't accept Serenity keychains? No I haven't seen the movie. WELL I DONT CARE HOW BAD IT WAS I WANT TO TRADE IN MY KEYCHAINS FOR A GODDAMN POPCORN!

Dick move of the day:
Ask for all change in pennies.


Today's Topic is..
Not Getting It Up!

Happens to everyone, now and again. For some guys, a bit more often than it should. And like all GIRL PROBLEMS, there are good ways to handle it, and bad ways to handle it.

BAD APPROACH - Telling her that it's her fault.
Example: "Maybe I'd have a boner if you weren't so ugly."

GOOD APPROACH - Distract her until you've sobered up enough.
Example: "Before we make sweet passionate love like animals, why don't I give you a back massage while you watch Sex in the City?"

My cell phone is missing one thing, and it is NOT music, video capture, GPS or any of that other shit. It's a pez dispenser. You show me a phone that doubles as a pez dispenser, and I'll show you a phone worth buying.

Yeah, we have a name for guys who are that picky when it comes to women. They're called "homosexuals."

Samstag, November 5

How do you become a subway conductor? Do you have to be a subway conductor before becoming a railroad conductor? Do they call you a sell out if you move up like that, and say things like "Oh what, you're too good for the subway now, you f'in douchebag?" Is driving a train easier or harder than a car? I feel like it should be harder, but they don't have to worry about parallel parking so I don't know.

You ever notice how porn stars have such beautiful skin? That's what happens when you get protein smeared on your face for a living.

That grandma is such a hoe.

When I was younger, my dad used to always tell me things like "Grapefruit juice and grape juice are the same thing" or "Rain is really just astronauts spitting from space." Mom would always get upset and tell him not to tell me lies. Then he would hit her.

Freitag, November 4

Sometimes, when my uncle is asleep, I write LUIGI'S on his ass and when he wakes up, he's like wtf.

"If you don't know what it means to be 'LA,' imagine if a car salesman and a female car salesman had a baby: the baby would be from LA."

The saddest thing in the world is a blind man talking to and hugging his friend who he thinks is a mute, but is really just a CPR dummy.

Donnerstag, November 3

Dick move of the day:
As an old woman woman walks by, give a low whistle and mutter just loud enough for her to hear,
"I'd sure love to get into your diaper!"

When I die, I want people to say this about me:
"He died doing what he loved."
And I want them to be referring to the fact that I loved to eat large sandwhiches.

This is Sam,
arguably one of the ugliest dogs to ever live.

You can almost feel him thinking,
"Please kill me."

Dick move of the day:
Watch Laguna Beach.

Mittwoch, November 2

"I have always had this fantasy. I am walking down the street, and I see a guy I think is hot. I go up and start kissing him without saying a word. From there, we proceed to a discreet (but yet public!) spot and start screwing. After we are both done, we go our separate ways without ever having said a word. The concept of having sex with a total stranger and never finding out anything about him is just so damn sexy. The whole aspect of simply not giving a fuck, while getting fucked, just doing it for the sole purpose of having some good clean fun is so hot!"

I hate people who say Wendy's is the best fast food place because "it's healthier." Fuck you fat ass, who the fuck is trying to lose weight eating fast food? If you want to have a salad for dinner do it in the privacy of your own home before crying yourself to sleep. If you want to clog your arteries up like a man should, then go balls to the wall and don't puss out on a freaking middle-ground meal at Wendy's, go deep fry your insides at KFC and prove you're not a dickless bitch.

Dienstag, November 1


I love my granddad. He tells everyone they're fat, except me.

Yo, that Hamburgler's a scary motherfucker, 'cause you never know what that nigga be sayin'. He be all 'robble robble robble robble' and shit!

So there's this guy Walsh, do you understand? He's tired of screwin' his wife... So his friend says to him, 'Hey, why don't you do it like the Chinese do?' So he says, 'How do the Chinese do it?' And the guy says, 'Well, the Chinese, first they screw a little bit, then they stop, then they go and read a little Confucius, come back, screw a little bit more, then they stop again, go and they screw a little bit... then they go back and they screw a little bit more and then they go out and they contemplate the moon or something like that. Makes it more exciting.' So now, the guy goes home and he starts screwin' his own wife, see. So he screws her for a little bit and then he stops, and he goes out of the room and reads Life Magazine. Then he goes back in, he starts screwin' again. He says, 'Excuse me for a minute, honey.' He goes out and he smokes a cigarette. Now his wife is gettin' sore as hell. He comes back in the room, he starts screwin' again. He gets up to start to leave again to go look at the moon. She looks at him and says, 'Hey, whats the matter with ya. You're screwin' just like a Chinaman!'

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