Montag, Oktober 31

I remember next to nothing about this weekend, except for screaming out "I PUT THE ARM BACK IN ARMAGEDDON" in a large group of people.

I may not know what it's like to be addicted to heroin, but I do know what it's like to really enjoy eating large sandwhiches. And I know how hard it can be to walk away from a sandwhich.


Today's Topic:
"Do you remember what day my birthday is?"

1) Never EVER try to turn the tables around and shift the blame to her!

"I'm not sure, it happened such a long time ago. I think it's right around the last time you gave me oral, and we both know how long ago THAT was."

2) Instead, try distracting her with a question about herself, which can get her excited enough to forget her question.

"Of course I do but first, will you marry me?"

So if you're kid got posessed by a demon, would you try and go through the rigamorale of exorcising it, or would you just make it quick and easy and put a bullet in his brain?

You know how you always see these long conversations scrawled on bathroom walls with permanent markers, and everyone always thinks the same thing: who shits with a marker? I do. And you know what? I bring my marker out with me, then purposely drink coffee and eat bran muffins until I HAVE to shit. Then, I go and create an entirely forged conversation between multiple different people, so down the line when someone goes to take a piss and wonders why so many people shit with markers, I will smile a knowing smile.... of victory.

I'm tired of having to decide between fruit punch and tropical punch, ok? YOU can pick.

Mother: Put on some sun tan lotion baby, because it's hotter than a whore's bed out there, and you know what say about a whore's bed.

Little Girl: A whore's bed is never cold.

Mother: That's right hun, so put on some lotion.


Sonntag, Oktober 30

I have so many blue towels.

Samstag, Oktober 29

The Fordham Crew, just hanging out.

Dick move of the day:
Speak in a non-english language


I am a body massage machine. It's something I cant control and I find myself touching my co-workers as I brush by them. It keeps me interested day after day at this miserable job.

Q: How many scene kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 9, one to do it, eight to say they did it first.

Who first tested the contact out? Getting shit in your eye is the worst. They probably experimented on animals and homeless people until they got it right.

Deoderant is the biggest scam to ever hit the toiletries market EVER. Our sweat has natural pheremones that make us attractive to the opposite sex, and what do they tell you to do? BUY shit that makes you STOP sweating, thereby making you LESS APPEALING to the opposite sex!! You know that all those deoderant companies like Right Guard are owned by beer companies. Why? Because they know that if people start being attracted to each other, no one will drink anymore! DONT LET THEM MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOU ANY LONGER!

Every group of friends had that one friend that whenever you went to the beach you would trick him into getting buried up to his head in sand and then you would all urinate on him at once, and you would all always wonder "WHY DOES HE FALL FOR IT EVERYTIME?!?!" and then down the road you stumble onto the wrong porno link and notice that Fred made a career out of his watersports hazing days.

Me, circa twenty-thirty years from now.

Did you know....?
That the phrase "Shitting your brains out" comes from the era of the Black Plague when people would, quite literally, shit out small pieces of their brain.

You ever get so hungry that you eat pounds and pounds of candy until you're not hungry but you're not full you just feel sick?

I remember going to the movies with my dad when I was like 10 years old. He got two of those long packs of Reeses Peanut Butter cups, you know the ones with like 5 each inside. I guess the movie must have been good because my dad become so engrossed that he didn't notice my requests for more candy piling up, and soon after I had eaten 9 of the 10 reeses cups. I'm pretty sure he had the other one. I started making a low gurgling sound, and he looked over and discovered that I had turned a shade of green. I went home and vomited my guts out.

I don't take it back, I wouldn't change a fucking thing.

Dick move of the day:
Use the phrase "Like it's my job."

"Hey guys? I can't believe today is already Saturday! That means tomorrow is Sunday! Whatever happened to yesterday? I guess that was Friday. But whatever happened to Friday night?"

Freitag, Oktober 28

I got really drunk and thought that I had sex with Paris Hilton but in the morning discovered that I had slept with a mop.

Sometimes I want to know what living is really like, SO I CUT MYSELF UNTIL I FEEL ALIVE!!!!!!!!

So the other day I bought some flowers for my girlfriend. Why, you ask, what occasion? Just because. Since women decide to get pissed at you randomly and arbitrarily, the only way to really stay ahead of the game is to buy them gifts randomly and arbitrarily. So to be cute/a dick, I wrote a little card that said,
"Only one more day until your period is over. THANK GOD!"

I go to her room to deliver her surprise and burst through the door in an enthusiastic manner to discover that I and her mother both chose to visit her at the same time. Of course, being women, they began to shriek manically at the sight of the flowers, and immediately TORE them out of my grasp to my horror. As her mother read my heartfelt note I saw her face fall, and tried to save myself by going completely over the top.

"They were all out of "I'M TOTALLY BONING YOUR DAUGHTER" cards," I said.

Fuck you kid.

Donnerstag, Oktober 27

You know why I like Seinfeld? It's dependable. When I turn on TBS and I see that three Seinfeld episodes are coming up, I know I'm in for a good time. I can count on Seinfeld. I can trust Seinfeld. I've never come home from work to find Seinfeld on the floor with some other guys cock in it's ass. That's why I like Seinfeld.

Mittwoch, Oktober 26

I feel confident in saying that anyone who still has any sort of AIM sounds turned on is a complete waste of human life.

I think there's a lot of guys out there who get by just day to day knowing that a man like Hugh Hefner exists.

My Uncle Dave only gets gas when hiss cars fuel meter is on the E slash, and even then refuses to fill up the tank past halfway. Meanwhile, he's got a refrigerator in his garage that he never allows to have less than 30 Heinekens inside at any point in time, "in case of an emergency" he says. Apparently for Dave pushing your car to a gas station doesn't constitute as an emergency, but having to deal with your family sober is.

Stephen Lynch - For the Ladies

I kissed you on the cheek
“Good night my love” I say
You turned to me and smile
“A baby’s on the way.”

And then you drift asleep
To dream of life anew
And I lie wondering
Just what I should do

I could kick you in the stomach
And catch you unawares
I could swear to God you accidently
Fell that flight of stairs

When I tell you that I love you
I will look you in the eye
As I slowly slide the hanger up your thigh.

Whenever I see a baby, what comes to mind is:
"Someday he'll be dead."

I always wonder why they don't sell candy corn all year round, and then it finally comes out and I eat it until I get sick and nearly vomit and then I always think "Oh yeah that's why."

I'd like to someday get someone to look me in the eyes and say,
"Thanks a lot for the STD Dan."
To which I'll non-chalantly respond,
"Oh? Which one did you get?"

I think one of the best things is just being naked in the house. Doesn't that beat all? Just being totally nude, especially when there's other people around. You feel so alive when you know that someone else could discover your nudeness at any moment, especially since it's not your house. It's an amazing feeling after breaking into a house to dance nude in front of the people you tied and gagged.

Headline I'd like to see:
"Man jumps to death after viewing three tampon commercials consecutively"

If I ever become a celebrity, I'm going to change my name to all caps. I don't know why someone like THE ROCK or VIN DIESEL hasn't done it yet. Then everytime you read their name you can almost feel the testosterone leaping off the page towards you.

I have about 5 VHS tapes of I believe 2 hours each filled with footage of me massaging my own feet. I'm not sure what's going to happen from here. I'm looking into Ebay.

You know what I'm fucking sick of? High class places selling cans of coke or bottles of water for 20 bucks. It's fucking absurd. Just because you're a classy joint doesn't mean you should be able to charge me for 900% profit for absolutely no work on your behalf. If I was in charge it would be illegal to sell any can of soda or bottle of water for more than 5 dollars, and if anyone tried to you'd be legally allowed to shove that beverage right up their ass.

Dienstag, Oktober 25

Jim was such an adorable baby.
Ironically enough, he grew up to be a pedophile.

Who steals bikes? Like, what the fuck?

The saddest thing in the world is a little girl giving her favorite doll to a homeless man in the street, and as she turns away the man begins to rub the doll against his genitals.

Pinocchio becoming a living breathing boy from a puppet I'm willing to accept. But that whole business with living inside the whale? C'mon Gipetto, you should have been dead. Even as a child I felt that was ridiculous. Because, Pinocchio's transformation was magic based, but the whale debacle was just pure lies.

Dick move of the day:
Go fishing.

Only assholes get sick.

Freitag, Oktober 21

I never understood why people have to listen to music in the shower. Can you not bear to be without music for 15 minutes of the day? Is taking a shower that awful that you need to be distracted?

Doofy motherfucker.

I bet the guy that kills hookers compares himself to the guy that climbs Mount Everest; he kills them because they're there.

The saddest thing in the world is a box full of kittens mewing and purring, as the box slowly sinks into the sea.

How do you define the word 'define'? The act of defining a word? I have no idea.

Donnerstag, Oktober 20

Out of all types of food, Japanese cuisine is by far the laziest. I can just picture the Japanese business tycoons talking about it,
"Hey Wang, what if instead of cooking and serving fish, we just cut it up into pieces and serve it raw?"
"That sounds like a silly idea Wangish."
"But what if we charge extra and call it a delicacy Wang?"
"You're brilliant Wangish!"

And that's how we have sushi today.
Stupid pretentious fucking sushi eaters who enjoy paying extra for raw fish, they should be weeded out of the gene pool.

What kind of sick fucking asshole actually ENJOYS TUNA FISH!?!?

I'd like to have a sandwhich named after me sometime, but until then I enjoy the puzzled look on the deli workers face when I say, "One D-Train please."

I'm sorry that I took a long break from blogging there for awhile, but I just learned about this new sexual position and it's kind of been occupying all my free time.

Three words: bean bag chair.

When somebody passes out from drinking, I like to pull the trigger myself and vomit all over them. In the morning, I tell them they vomited of themselves in their sleep and that I rolled them over on their stomach and saved their life. 90% of all my sexual favors have been obtained in this fashion.

When I have kids,I'm going to brainwash them at a young age. Like, whenever we do something fun together, like see a good movie or play a fun game I'll say "That was almost as fun as a prostate exam!" or, "This candy corn sure is tasty, but it's still not as good as that prostate exam I just had." When I said brainwashing, I think I just meant fucking with.

OH YEAH!!!!!

I got drunk one night by myself and decided to call my ex-girlfriend. When she answered, I farted into the phone and hung up.

Dick move of the day:
Act like you're on a television show, 24/7.

Whenever I see a tall skinny girl, I want to kill her. Literally. I want to break her legs and arms like little twigs.

Mittwoch, Oktober 19

"Try what I do, and pass a magnifying glass over your forearm in a lukewarm shower once a week. I find this really helps me get centered."

"My feelings? About ten years ago, I hid them somewhere and haven't been able to find them. "

Dienstag, Oktober 18

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Montag, Oktober 17

Dick move of the day:
when writing use no capitals no punctuation just run on sentences with no indication of a beginning or an end

"I only find white females attractive. I'm not racist, and have no problem with them as people. They just don't do it for me."

I claim to know what 'emo' is, but I really don't. I don't think anyone does.

Millencolin - Da Strike

"You strike get pissed that is just the way it is use your
nose to the melancholy funk sound we are just a couple
of local bowlers hangin' out tonight leavin' all the girls

So what's a girl compared to a perfect game I guess a lot
if you find the right one if I had to choose between a bowl
and you I'm not tellin' you you're taking it the wrong way

I love the feeling that I get when I strike thats the only
time I feel alive don't need you babe just need to strike I
love the feeling that I get when I strike

You are in trance when you slick into the area you pass
the sa when you're taking off your pumas the way we
bowl is cleaner then the other styles it's pro but they say
we're doin' it the wrong way.

So I guess you must be crazy to be bowlin' like we do it's
cool we're doin' it our own way no fools no girls just the
rude boys from the south kickin' it slickin' it trickin' it

Yes thats right bowlin' is allright the only time I feel alive
is when I'm hangin' at the A-house that's right pass me
those shoes I'm ready for the perfect game so watch me

If you get upset and you don't understand it's quite
allright just follow your instincts physical activity is the
way to free your mind so get on your feet and bowl to the
funky beat."

*I may have posted this before but I don't care

Other guys make a big stink about it but I really don't mind the period time of the month, or as I like to call it 'Guilt free blow-job week.'

If wealth was measured in 'Serenity' keychains, I'd be rich.

Samstag, Oktober 15

Dick move of the day:
Buy your mom a shitty bottle of wine 5 days after her birthday.

Anyone else notice how the sinks in our dorm look like they were built for washing babies? Every time I wash my hands I think "Wow, it would be terribly easy to wash a baby in this sink."

Donnerstag, Oktober 13

Best pick up line ever on a subway;
Guy: "Damn, girl. You sure look at home on that pole."

"Nathan, I don't care how drunk you were, if you're giving a blowjob, you know you're giving a blowjob."

I'm sure I have way more posts than actual views.

The America's Army pics aren't working, so here's a classy pic instead.

Dick move of the day:
Answer all 'yes or no' questions with 'true or false.'

Isn't it weird how things can look far away, and when you get up close you realize they really were far away, there was no trick or illusion or nothing? Isn't that strange?

My least favorite shape:

Most favorite:

I'm going to make After-Dorms, rooming for post-college kids who don't quite want to grow up yet. It'll be suites for 4 people a piece, ages 22-30 allowed only, and Old School type Frat parties will be thrown once a week.

Mittwoch, Oktober 12

I'll pay anyone five dollars a week to follow me around and constantly proclaim, "Dan, you are the man!"

Sometimes I wish I were dead.
But then I think about the things in life that give me pleasure, like farting so loud my roommate wakes up.
And I still want to die.

Do you know that the term 'aroma' actually stems from an ancient African tribe, the Aroms? They lived in the southeast of Africa, and relied on coffee beans for about 75% of their daily food intake. Because of this unique diet the Aroms stank of coffee constantly, and when the British invaded in 1742, and remarked on their new slave aquisitions strange smell as their 'aroma.'

"Hey did diddle
The piggy's in the middle
The farmer grabs the bucket
The knife goes down the middle

Hey dad daddle
The farmer grabs the paddle
The cows drink up the pig's blood
While the paddle kills the cattle

Hey dud duddle
They all lay in a puddle
The farmer's wife is laughing
As all the corpses cuddle

-Nice Pete, Achewood

Dienstag, Oktober 11

"There's a lot to be said for monogamy. Of course, there's a lot to be said for sleeping around as well."

Dick move of the day:
Purchase an N-Gage.

For twice the dick:
Buy a Virtual Boy too.

"Why cant i just find a hot midget slut that i can dress up as an ewok and fuck to death?"

Conversation outside the window during my math class:

Guy: I loathe you.
Girl: You what?
Guy: I LOATHE you.
Girl: You love me?
Girl: Oh.

To everyone I was an asshole to last night, I'm sorry. Except you, douchebag on the pink scooter. Fuck you.

Now I will being posting a series of pics taken by me from the game "America's Army"


I'm sitting here staring at that bottle of cough syrup. Cherry flavored. I know I shouldn't do it. It's a battle of wills, and the 'Tussin always wins. I'll soon cave in spend the rest of this evening examining the hair on my knuckles, wondering why God put it there.

If I was ever a serial murderer, I would leave behind letters taken off a computer keyboard at each crime scene, like that would be my thing. And as the bodies piled up, it would spell a cryptic message, like Can Dunningham, and they'd all be like "Someday we'll get you Can. Someday."

Little known fact; the phrase "Fire in the hole" was originally coined from a reference to an STD.

One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you- not the things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get them. That thing- a man can't renounce it- but I want to renounce it- so that it will be yours- so that it will be in your service- only for you." The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggy Kelly?"

-The Fountainhead

Montag, Oktober 10

If I were gay, I'd be a total whore. Don't ask me why, I don't know, I just would.

"Did you ever know a "chocoholic"? One of those folks who just can't get enough chocolate? I bet there's at least one in your home or workplace. At my house, it's my wife Emily. She's got to have her little bowl of Hershey's Kisses in the living room. She can't go shopping without bringing home some chocolate ice cream or a chocolate-cake mix. She's even got a funny little sweatshirt that says, "My Name Is Emily, And I'm A Chocoholic."

To be honest, I'm a bit of a chocoholic myself. Except for one small detail. You see, instead of being addicted to chocolate, I'm addicted to booze. Yep, from dawn to dusk, there's one thing on my mind: booze! Beer, liquor, wine, all that stuff!"

-an excerpt from The Onion

The Mach 3 Turbo Nitro is the only razor I use. It'll give you the closest shave of your life, and losing a few centimeters of skin is totally worth it.

Sonntag, Oktober 9

Oatmel does help remove cholesterol, but not if you drop in a whole stick of butter you fat fuck.

Why do girls have tan-lines in pornos? If they're unabashed enough to fornicate on camera, why not drop trough at the beach for a bit and fade that tan line a bit?

Is that how you spell trough? Probably not, I guess it would be short for 'trousers.' I guess I never really thought about it. But then what is it, trow?

"It's not the bull they're afraid of, it's the calf"
Australian catchphrase making the statement that women aren't afraid of sex, they're afraid of becoming pregnant.

I enjoy hanging out with Jim, I really do. I just wish he wouldn't try so hard. I always want to be like, "Look Jim, we like you. You don't have to put on an act, I really did love Ace Ventura! It was great!" But he still goes on with the faces and the voices and ugh, it gets so tiresome.

Why do people still wear fucking sweaters? Those itchy pieces of shit were only used back in the day because cotton was the only thing they could harvest and indoor heating hadn't been invented. Now in the lap of luxury and leisure, people still opt to wear f'ing sweaters. Fuck you sweater people, thats right FUCK YOU! I'll set fire to your raggedy asses. Scratchy mother fuckers.

Remember when you were little and just starting to like girls, and you'd practice kissing with your mom? Wasn't that kinda awkward?

If it weren't for coffee, the Industrial Revolution never would have happened.

Watching America's Next Top Model is roughly the equivalent of watching the video of that news reporter get decapitated.

You tell people that you love your family equally, but let's face it that kid is lucky we adopted him or he'd be dead by now.

I've never been able to eat carrots since a big mistake my sister and I made in our youth.

Do people still go to Coney Island? Does it still exist? I feel like it really is black and white, because I've never seen a picture of it in color.

My last girlfriend broke up with me and tossed me the "nothing is forever" line. Later, I super-glued her pillows, bed comforter and sheets to her ceiling, along with with a piece of loose-leaf with FOREVER written in big black letters.

Hobo: Ladies and Gentleman, may I have your attention. I have spent all my money on alcohol, tobacco, amphetamines, and crack. However, I have learned my lesson. I would now like to spend your money on alcohol, tobacco, amphetamines, and crack. And Viagra....but that's extra.

I just discovered that if you google search for the URL of my blog, it will be blocked if moderate safe search is turned on.

Two things that make a great action movie is naked women and explosions, but you NEVER see a naked woman explode.

Dick move of the day:
Listen to rap music.

Solution to our transportation problem:
Build giant springs with seats attatched to them from one city to the next. When the spring snaps back you get a trip that requires NO FUEL WHATSOEVER.

Samstag, Oktober 8

There's so much damn glue on my chair that I'm getting freaking high just sitting here.

The only thing seperating me and Jessica Simpson from spending the rest of our lives together is that she's gotta do something about that forehead. I just can't deal with a big forehead.

If you read my blog and enjoy it, then next time you talk to me instead of saying how great my blog is just give me a dollar, ok?

When I was a little kid one year we studied Helen Keller. We learned how she overcame great adversities in her life, and as a wee lad I was extremely impressed. Out of admiration for her, I attempted to put myself in her shoes. I tried to go a week without sight and sounds. I wore a handkerchief over my eyes and ear muffs over my ears. One afernoon I went to relax in the park, feel the trees and the grass under my hands. Then some older boys beat me up, took my money and raped me.

Dead hookers don't just bury themselves, ya know.

You know how they say people with glasses think they're better than everyone else? They're right, we do.

I'm going to have my left hand cut off and the arm hollowed out, then BAM! A little storage space within arms reach 24 hours a day! I'd carry all sorts of shit in there, it's like a long circular pocket. Keep my keys in there, my wallet, maybe a cold beverage and a switchblade for emergencies.

Generally, I crap once every couple days. This one time over the summer though, I don't know what I ate or didnt eat or whatever but for some reason I didn't shit all week. Finally this bad boys on deck and I'm all set for a good hearty dump. And, I swear to God this happened and has never ever happened before or since, but it couldnt come out. It was too big for the exit. I literally felt like I was giving birth. I think I had a contraction or two, I'm not sure. What ensued was something along the lines of putting a square peg in a round hole with shit involved. One of the most painful experiences in recent memory for me. However, once the battle was over, I felt better than I had in years and I thought to myself, maybe this is why people have gay sex. I bet if you take a dick in the butt for just a little while, afterwards you're so ectstatic to NOT have a dick in the butt, the whole world is just a better place for the next 24 hours.

Idea for a porno title:
Ramona Quimby: Age 18

Dick move of the day:
Snort cocaine.

You know the stock ticker on the bottom of the aim window that scrolls by at .2 centimeters an hour? Who the fuck uses that?

Donnerstag, Oktober 6

"I just took my Computer Science final, and it was really fucking easy. I got a 100 on it because I am so awesome. I am going to grow up and develop awesome software and become incredibly filthy rich and you all won't. I confess that I am so much better than everyone here.

I'm also a little bit racist, but only against Chinese women that can't drive their minivans worth shit. I would feel bad, but I know a lot of you know what I mean."

"To clarify, I'm not a lesbian, I just really like boobs. I want them in my face. I want to suck them. I want to lick them. I like big tities and small. Fake and real. I just love them."

She puts the replaceable back in irreplaceable, if you know what I mean.

Mittwoch, Oktober 5

I was hanging out with Vin the other day on set. I'm not allowed to say what the set is of, it's all hush hush you know. Seriously, I know the movie biz is Vin's thing, but it gets annoying sometimes. But they do have some fantastic finger foods off-stage for free (which I took full advantage of while Vin films.) So anyways, after shooting we're all just hanging around chatting, and Vin starts doing his Nicholas Cage impression. It's hard to imagine, but if you know Vin then you know it's hilarious. I've heard it like a gajillion times, and it kills me every time. Then this pasty faced intern who does nothing but mike jockeying for the movie starts pretending he's a walrus with two straws on his teeth. I knew this was going to take a turn for the worse, but before I could try and use any soothing words Vin had muttered "I hate prop comics" and decks the kid. I've never seen so much blood spray out of a human head in my life. Of course then all the head guys start shitting their pants because they're afraid of getting sued, I'm sure they would have been babbling if all of their energy hadn't been going towards sweating 30 gallons of sweat in .2 seconds. I gave Vin my stern eye, and he crossed his arms and looked at me. He realized that I was right, and tore out a check and wrote up the kid a quick settlement pay. He tries to be a hard-ass, but Vin's just a big sweetie at heart.

My mom was afraid I was gay because I said 'sweet' too much. It's not like I'm saying "Sweet sassy molassy, I'd like to sodomize that delicious man!"

I was sitting in class today, and about halfway through for some strange reason I just could not remember how I drew a capital E. Not what it looked like, but like what lines I drew first or whatever. So I started doing it like starting at the top right and coming left-down and then to the bottom right, and then filling in the middle prong, but it just felt wrong. Finally like 10 minutes later, I realized that I started at the bottom of the long line, drew it up and to the right, then the middle prong (like a capital F,) and then I put in the line on the bottom. As soon as I did it, it just felt write.

Congratualtions on reading THE MOST BORING STORY OF ALL TIME

In my younger and more vulnerable years, I confused things like 'rape' and 'relationship.'

If I had billions of dollars, I'd build myself a house with all this cool stuff, and at the end of every year light it on fire, and from the ashes I'll build a new house. A phoenix house. People will tell me things like that money could be used to help the people of the world and I'll say didn't you hear me? It's a freakin PHOENIX HOUSE man!

My left arm is completely fucking worthless. I generally avoid using it at all costs, and then occasionally I am forced to and it just ends up making things worse or injuring me. So I'm thinking a good way to drop like 15 pounds or so is to just chop the fucking worthless limb right off. Easier than dieting, and who cares about a left arm anyway?

If they provided some kind of breathing hole or air tube or something, I would totally hang out in the refridgerator all day long.

I've never been good at staying mad at people. You could take a shit in my bed, and I'll be pissed, but then you give me a green apple jolly rancher and everything's cool again.

Dick move of the day:
Wear glasses even though you have 20-20 vision. Asshole.

People always say things like, "how can someone let themselves get overwiehgt?" I understand how people can get so obese. Food is delicious. What I'll never understand is how people can starve themselves to death when there's a world filled with delicious fudge all around them. Maybe I'm just fat.

Doesn't everyone cry when they masturbate?

Dienstag, Oktober 4

It takes two people to kill a relationship, but only one person to kill a deer.

Montag, Oktober 3

If I was a billionaire, I would make a commercial that said:
"The first one thousand people who call this number will recieve 500 dollars, COMPLETELY FREE!" and then give the number of one of my friends or ex-girlfriends cell phone. Of course, the commercial would have a small disclaimer at the bottom that said no money would actually be given away.

Don't you ever just want to tease someone to the point of suicide, just to prove you can?

The other night I was at my friends house and I went to get a ice pop from his fridge and there was a frozen baby koala bear in his freezer. Apparently he had tried to save it and it died anyway, but I'm not sure why he froze it.

I can't tell if I broke my penis or my heart.

Is it worse to refer to a normal woman as an "unpregnant woman" or to refer to a man as an "unpregnant man"?

"Wait for It...Wait for It...

Girl #1: I like to surround myself with ugly people because it makes me look prettier by comparison.
Girl #2: I know what you mean."

Newman's Own: Caesar Dressing

"In summer stock, 1953, I played Caesar. One matinee, as I felt the phony rubber knife in my ribs, I uttered the memorable line, "Et tu Burtus?" and slumped to the floor. The assassins shuffled backward as they surveyed the bloody scene. The house was as quiet as the night before Christmas. Suddenly, without warning or explanation, the stage manager's phone in the wings rang. All the way to the back row, it could be heard, "Rrrrrring!". Togas stopped rippling. Blood stopped dripping. Eyes were riveted in their sockets. "Rrrrrring!" The audience grew restive. "Rrrrrring!" And then an actor in a stage whisper heard in Mexico City said, "My God! What if it is for Caesar?" Bedlam. The curtain slammed shut! I knew then that I would create another Caesar. I had no idea it would go on lettuce."
- P. Brigando Newman

If you're like me, then when you're significant other offers you a diet coke with lemon you look them dead in the eyes and know the relationship is over.

Dick move of the day:
Ask people,
"Do you know?" and when they say
"Know what?" go,
"I guess not."

I like to stay up all night out on the beach, so I can watch the sunrise while singing "Blinded by the Light" in my head.

I used to think my mom and dad always looked at each other with love, but now I know that it was lust.

I got fucking tired of my siblings rifling through all my shit all the time, so one time I labeled a videotape DO NOT WATCH!!! and the next day my brothers and sisters watched a recording of me taking a crap.
They don't touch my shit anymore.

When I was younger I always wanted to travel and then when I was in college I went on this Squash trip to Boston. I don't want to travel anymore.

Girls always look better from afar when they don't know you're watching them.


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