Freitag, Januar 30

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken

Today we were having dinner and our Jewish friend dropped his tray. His food fell all over the place and the poor workers had to clean it up. I said "Oh man, Jewish people ruin EVERYTHING." My Jewish friend laughed and said I'm funny.

but seriously, they do.

a few original ideas for porno titles:

Cums in your mouth, not in your hand
I cream on Jeanie
The Cum-Files
Paul Bunyon's Big Blue Cox
King Boner and the Whores of the round table
Mary had a little Vagina
Asses Squared: Girls and Donkeys
Fancy Foot Fucks
My Dad fucked your Dad in the ass
Ring around the pussy, Pocket full of penis
Ding Dong Dick
The Tunnel of Love: Anal Intrusion
Grandma's Apple Pie
Peter Piper porked a pack of Pussies

but we can't forget such classics as:

Shemale of the Jungle
The Loin King
Waiting to XXXhale
Two's company, Three's allowed
Grandma Sucks
Honey I blew everyone

Donnerstag, Januar 29

"The Butterfly Effect is breathtaking in its, um, simplicity. In this version of the universe, Ashton Kutcher discovers that he can inhabit his child self whenever he reads aloud from his journals and squints really hard. You have to, if not love, at least not mind a movie in which the very act of Ashton Kutcher reading is enough of a cosmic trauma to rip a hole in the fabric of space-time."
-Village Voice

My favorite thing to do when I see bums on the street is to run up to them real quick and ask them for money. This really confuses them and instead of asking you for money, sometimes you can score a quarter or two.

If you wear contacts, you should pay attention. Wear one day, throw away. Personally, that sounds like BS. OK, say you own a contact company. How do you make money? By having people buy your shit. Well first they had these shitty ass contacts which you could keep for like 6 months.... however, you need a continual supply of this special cleaning fluid. First off, that renu crap is water anyways. But now the contact companies are thinking.... hold on, we make more money off of contacts than this cleaning water crap anyway. Why don't we have them buy more contacts? But how? OH I KNOW, MAKE THEM THROW THE CONTACTS AWAY! How often, boss? EVERY SINGLE DAY, or once every two weeks that'll work too.

Conjecture and hot air, you say? Fact: I have worn a one day pair of contacts for 2+ months and I never took them out once. That's right, I slept with wearadaythrowaways in my damn eyes for months and never once had an eye infection. It saves an ass amount of money, and other than slight eye irritation for 5 minutes in the morning, you're no worse for the wear. Alright well you may look like you smoke weed all the time, but so what, stoner is a good look and you'll be screwing those bastard contact corporations out of your hard earned money.

Note: if you are a wimp and/or pussy, you should not attempt this. Keep wasting your money.

I find that too much happens in my life that YOU, my fans, are unaware of. Now, no offensive comment or any ridicoulessness which may occur will go undocumented for you guys. This is the next best thing to actually being around me, which is not possible 24/7 because I really don't like any of you that much. For the record, this is probably one of my more idiotic ideas, I'm aware.

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