Mittwoch, Dezember 21

I'm so overweight. Nobody will ever love me. My life is so stupid. Maybe I should just give up because I know you will never feel the way about me like I feel about you. Sigh.

This is what I would write if this was a real blog. But it's not.
So here:

Anyhow, I'm going home for break. I would like to continue blogging at home, but I plan on eating until my fingers become fat little sausages unable to accurately punch in single letters on my keyboard, so you might get one message consisting of "omofg oui lpovce HGERDABVY!" but that's about it, so happy holidays everyone, I hope you all enjoy the greatest holiday of the year, except you Jewish people, because you're wrong.

PS - My favorite Christmas hobby: telling children that there is no Santa Clause/they're adopted.

Montag, Dezember 19

Now, I know that I'm not perfect, but c'mon. Look at my ass. I can stop traffic with this thing.

Sonntag, Dezember 18

If you can beat me up, I can beat you in halo.
If you can beat me in halo, I can beat you up.

Dick move of the day:
Tell everyone you meet that you heard it's supposed to rain tomorrow.

What a homogay.

Samstag, Dezember 17

If I was in charge, I'd take care of a lot of things that we all know should be taken care of, but are just too afraid to speak out. Like albinos. Everyone knows albinos are concentrated evil in human form. All albinos have the same father: Satan. If I was in charge, I would exterminate the albino menance.

"While Canadian 'global warming' protesters express alarm at the dwindling outdoor hockey season (fewer months with ice, fewer days cold enough for hard ice), a growing number of 'hockey' players are taking the game underwater, according to a November Associated Press story. With six breath-holding players per team, passing a puck with sticks at the bottom of a pool, and players surfacing for air as seldom as possible, dozens of club teams worldwide play (nearly 50 in the U.S.), with a championship tournament scheduled next year for Sheffield, England. Said a Cincinnati high school player of the respiratory challenge, '(W)hen you're close to the goal, you're like, 'Do I want to score a goal or breathe?' Most of the time I say, 'Score.''"

[Toronto Star, 11-28-05] [Boston Globe-AP, 11-27-05]

Eggnog is something that I feel like I would enjoy if I also liked getting deep massages from strong muscular men.
"Oooh, Roberto your fingers are magic. And may I have a refill of 'nog you sweaty hunk of a man?"

One of my favorite shows when I was younger was a spin-off of the original transformers called "Beast Wars." Except I used to always get confused when I was little, and so in school I handed in a journal claiming that "I love watching Beastiality in the morning before school." My parents got called down for a meeting, and the next day they donated our puppy to an animal shelter, and to this day they have never allowed me to get another pet. I was also forbidden from going on the class trip to the farm.

Make mine a double.

What if nobody had ever invented the word garbage? Then maybe everyone would be like, "Oh let me throw this away, where's your New Jersey?" And then, if no one had ever invented the word toilet, maybe people would say "Those burritos sure hit the spot. I'm gonna hit the Staten Island for a bit, I gotta take a wicked dump."

The saddest thing in the world is watching a butterfly slowly suffocate to death in a glass jar.

Let me put it this way. If you have an uncle BJ, and none of his initials begin with either B or J, then you can bet that he's the crazy uncle.

Freitag, Dezember 16

When I was younger, I had this issue with people disliking me. I thought that everyone should love me. But then I joined the the football team. Over time, I cultivated an excellent throwing arm. Ashley Olsen could be at the other end of the field a week after someone called her fat, and I could throw a pass that would break her in half. Seriously, I was that good. But then my Dad got me this afterschool job at some stupid yarn shop and made me quit. He told me now that I was growing into a man I should start helping out by bringing home some money. I tried to point out that I could make a lot more money at a much manlier part time job, but he wouldn't hear of it. He was always weird when it came to yarn and knitting and all that garbage. I think it's because he had all these macrame walnuts that he made himself. He kept a whole closet full of them. I remember being a child and walking in on him once making a macrame walnut, buck naked. Nevermind the fact that he's nude in our living room, I'm still the one who got punished. To this day, he still gives me the same Christmas present every year. A macrame walnut, with a note pinned to it: "Tell anyone about you seeing me naked and I'll FUCKING kill you."

Dick move of the day:
Celebrate Kwanzaa.

Most embarrasing moment of 2005:
Farting so loud that my roommate woke up.

Alright, what if you catch someone masturbating to a tape of themselves masturbating? What's your response? I'd like to think that I'd say something terribly witty, but it'd probably be something like "I hate you mom."

You know how stoves always have like four different little burners? When I get a house, I'm going to have one huge freaking burner in my kitchen. If you're not going to cook big, then don't f'in cook at all.

If anyone thinks of a recovery for getting caught masturbating to pictures of the DOA girls, PLEASE LET ME KNOW

I think it's time to post my all time favorite Christmas gifts that you should get me. Some of these may not even be possible, but if you love me you'll try your darndest:

1. DVD set of any season of 5th Wheel, the greatest television show ever created.

2. Get Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson back together.

3. A scrolling LED light belt.

4. The death of Anna Nicole Smith.

5. An Xbox 360

6. A gift certificate to KFC and/or Taco Bell

7. Fifteen minutes alone inside of a Coldstone Creamery.

8. Rainbow colored contacts.

9. A videotape of Vin Diesel beating the shit out of Saddam Hussein.

10. Money.

*Note: These are not in any particular order.

Fairly self-explanatory.

I like ska, ok? There, I said it. Judge me if you will, but when I hear me some old fashioned trombone solos I just get all warm inside.

During the Miss World pagaent of 2005, Miss Korea was asked "What would you do if you were the winner of the pagaent?"
After some tense minutes of incomprehension, Miss Korea responded with "If I win, I share my happy lucky with everyone."

Donnerstag, Dezember 15

"Man I have often walked around, my belly a swirling sea of brown cola and hella sour chips, huge smile on my face."

every time i ride on a bus, i get a hard on, dont matter what time or whos near me, happens every time

"I used to work in a bagel store, so I can tell you for a fact that there is no difference between cream cheese and 'lite' cream cheese. It's the same exact product. So instead of eating healthy, all those dieters are paying extra for calories they didnt want."

I apologize for the lack of blogs recently, but I've been attempting to get every different ending for Chrono Trigger and it's taking up a lot of my spare time.

I spend hours in front of the mirror every day making faces. I practice making expressions so I can pretend that I actually have emotions.

Dick move of the day:
Listen to Christmas music.

Dienstag, Dezember 13

So Naomi Watts is the chick in the big King Kong movie. She sure has come a long way since diking out and crying while masturbating in Mulholland Drive.

Montag, Dezember 12

Is it strange that I get dressed to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" every morning?

Microsoft is a terrible name for a company. It's basically a synonym for "tiny flaccid penis."

Mike Dolce, professional American.

All little kids hate going to church. It's long, it's boring, it cuts into sunday morning cartoon time and they frown upon bringing Transformer action figures. To my knowledge, there's only one existing sure-fire method of getting out of Church obligations as a child. Every single time your parents bring you to church, shit your pants. God doesn't want followers to honor him by bringing along little crap machines into his temple. A couple of weeks and you'll be enjoying Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and drinking Yoo-Hoo while the rest of your family is all "Ugghh, we have to stand up again?"

If I was a woman, and some lady asked me if I was pregnant when I definately WAS NOT, my retort would be "Are you?"


Samstag, Dezember 10

I like to carry around this little notebook, and occasionally during a conversation I'll whip it out and begin jotting things down. I use this to back myself up during arguments, claiming that I have recorded proof of statements made by my friends. In fact, I never actually write down any actual conversations, but instead only long lists of obscenities and racial slurs. So next time you make some witty remark about Tyra Banks and I start writing something down, you'll know that I'm actually writing about how "fucking awful the damn wetback situation is becoming."

I'm on this new diet plan. I fast for three days, then I eat a 5 pound meal, then fast again, etc. What this means is that if you offer me food during one of my break periods, I will probably kill you.

Donnerstag, Dezember 8

Our internet was down all day today because they were installing a wireless internet service. I think it's fucking ridiculous that I didn't have internet today just so that some kids can now talk on AIM and look at porn while taking a dump.

Contrary to popular belief, you can get AIDs from a hug.

This is an article on one of the worst games ever made. This game is in fact so horrendous that not only has it spawned a cult following, but also inspired a religion, 'Rigism' complete with it's own commandments and everything. Take the time to read this article and fully appreciate the absolute atrocity this game really is.
Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing

"Nigga, if I was skinny I'd wear nice stuff too."

Did anyone else misunderstand 'speed dating' and showed up all coked up?

The man test:
Give your boyfriend a White Castle gift card. If he doesn't get excited, he's not a man.

My roommate has this game he loves to play, but it leaves me feeling kind of awkward. It's called "Drink 15 beers while screaming about private moments in your life."

Pours his 15th over his own head screaming "ONCE I FOOLED AROUND WITH ANOTHER GUY."

If anything, America's Next Top Model shows us that you can become a major figure in the fashion industry without any fashion sense whatsoever.
I may not be able to strut down a runway giving a 'fierce' expression, but I do know that wearing 20 lbs of flowers on your shoulder is not a good look.

All rock n' roll stars end with the same sad story. They blow all their money on coke and booze. If I ever make it rich, I'm totally getting addicted to crack. A palty million or two is enough to buy all the crack I'll ever need for the rest of my life.

Mittwoch, Dezember 7

Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.

If you're married for and in love for awhile and then your wife dies, and after a grieving period you eventually move on and fall in love again and remarry, and then when you die they're both waiting for you up in heaven, which one do you say hi to first?

Nothing says Halloween like a genie getting tasered by the cops.

The Avian Flu doesn't scare me at all, you know why? Because if we're talking about it, then it's not going to get us. Every huge disaster in human history is always summed up the same way: "WE NEVER EVEN SAW IT COMING!" From 9/11, to the Black Plague, to the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, to OJ Simpson being found innocent, you just never expect it. Meanwhile, things that we're sure will kill us never materialize: African Killer Bees, WMD's in Iraq, Jesus' second coming. All turned out to be duds. That means if we're worried about the bird flu, I'm sure that means it's completely harmless.

Dick move of the day:
Send your kids to summer camp because you're too lazy to actually raise them yourself.

When Vin Diesel goes swimming, Vin doesn't get wet, the water gets Vin.

The term 'masturbation' actually came into existence when when a man was caught pleasuring himself by a female for the first time in history. In desperation he shouted "Masturbation!" No one knows why, but the word stuck.

Dienstag, Dezember 6

I feel some movies are important for a child to see growing up. Any little Jewish kids who were kept from seeing 'A Christmas Story' were done a grave injustice. It's the kind of American movie integral to a child's development, no matter what their religion. Take 'The Sandlot' for example. I hate baseball. If the sport was abolished tomorrow, I would be happier for it. But even I can appreciate the wholesome American goodness of the Sandlot. It's just one of those magical movies, you know?

Montag, Dezember 5

"Little girl: What I don't get is why Majestic stabbed Fifty. He already shot him like 9 times.
Little boy: Majestic didn't stab Fifty! He got his boy to stab Fifty for him, and he did it because Fifty was still alive.
Little girl: I couldn't survive 9 shots. I could barely survive a half.

--1 train"

Dick move of the day:
Buy one of those "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC" cd's as a gift for someone.

Vin Diesel created Rome. In one day. With his penis.

If whenever you throw parties, no girls ever come, you might as well make a rule that girls have to come naked. I mean, worst case scenario, no girls come, so no harm done, but if one does show, you've got yourselves a naked girl.

"All of this stuff is of course in the manuals, but who reads manuals? Communists, that's who."

Sonntag, Dezember 4

My uncle Steve always goes out dressed in plain white robes. Whenever somebody hassles him about his clothes, he says "Well, I guess you would have said that to Jesus too when he was wearing this?" Then they turn away sheepishly. Except if they're Jewish, but eh, who cares about them.

When criticizing a movie, I always include: "I wish I could have the last two hours of my life back" to really drive the point home that I've been diagnosed with cancer and really only have about a month or so to live.

Did you know that if a Jew marries a Muslim, the baby comes out Chinese?

You never see 'farting' listed under anyones hobbies online, but you know they all do it.

One of my favorite pranks is to throw water balloons out the window on unsuspecting people walking by. Except instead of water, I fill them up with lighter fluid. And I'm not exactly high up, I'm actually on the first floor. So then I light a match and toss it on them. It's not them running around burning and screaming that I remember. It's that look on their face right as the flames begin to catch, that look of surprise. That's what makes the whole prank worthwhile.

I hate people who think it's cruel to boil lobsters alive. Lobsters deserve it. Has a lobster ever held the door open for you? Has a lobster ever said 'God bless you' when you sneezed? Has a lobster ever stayed up all night crying, afraid that you're slowly killing yourself with alcohol? I think not.
Besides, they have claws. Don't tell me lobsters are nice when they have weapons instead of hands. If a child was born with guns for hands, he'd be killed on the spot. Fuck lobsters.

Dick move of the day:
Have over 3 screen names.

Oh man, I'm in such a good mood. My buddies came up and visited last night and we had a great time. Vin picked up Andrew (Andrew never bothered to get a drivers liscense) and they got here like in the afternoon. Since Andrew was a couple beers deep already, me and Vin did a couple of shots of 151 to catch up. Vin always carries a flask of 151 in his back pocket at all times. So we were on our way to getting wasted, and I thought it would be funny to put on some of Andrew's songs and get him to sing along. I turned up my speakers and started blaring my personal fav, "I Get Wet." Now most people think of Andrew as this crazy lunatic, but he gets SO shy about that kind of stuff and he refused to sing for us. Finally he agreed to do a minor performance on one condition: a free head-rub on Vin's Mr. Clean skull. A kid once tried to touch Vin's scalp on the street, and Vin tossed him clean through a window of an oncoming taxi. But he made the sacrifice, and Andrew started singing, I busted out my guitar and started wailing some sick riffs. It was awesome. We planned on going out to the bars, but then Vin and Andrew got involved in a ridiculous arm wrestling competition. It would normally be over in about .005 seconds, but Vin had just donated 48 ounces of blood that day and had currently drank about 25 shots of 151. It ended after about 6 hours, not because anyone won, but rather because one of my neighbors had called the police. You see, Andrew hasn't bathed in about 4 years now, and he gives off a rather rank and pungent body odor. My neighbor believed it to be the smell of decaying flesh and called the police on the belief that I had multiple dead bodies in my apartment. I don't want to even talk about what Vin did when they busted in the door with their guns drawn. I can still hear their screams.

When I die, I hope someone is there to lean in and hear my final words. And when they're expecting something deep and meaningful, I'll whisper into their ear...."I never liked you."

Freitag, Dezember 2

Who's a little fatty-fat? Who's a fatty-mcfatterson?

When a tree falls down in the woods and no one is there to hear it, Vin Diesel hears it.

Donnerstag, Dezember 1

I tell everyone that these marks all over my body are birthmarks, but they're really cigarette burns. I can't love myself, so I just love the pain.

Girl Problems

Today's topic is...
Picking out a holiday gift

BAD IDEA: Being creative
Your girl says that she wants something different, so you buy her a parrot from the pet store. The parrot begins molting a few days later, tries to bite out your girlfriend's eyes, and the only phrase he knows is "Let's kill us some Mexicans!" A few days later she breaks up with you and mails you a box containing the head of your gift.

GOOD IDEA: Stick to the basics.
So you have a girlfriend? Hold on, let me guess. Does she like chocolates, flowers and jewelry? Thought so. Problem solved.

Geraldo is one of those people that you know if you saw him on the street, your first instinct would be to urinate on him.

Dick move of the day:
If male, wear a speedo.
If female, wear a one-piece bathing suit.

My little sister used to only eat chicken fingers when we went out to eat. My mom tried and tried to encourage her to branch out and test other foods, but my sister remained steadfast. Last time I was home and we went out to eat I told her a story about how I ordered chicken fingers one time and I recieved a plate of five human fingers, freshly cut and all still bleeding. She ordered a hamburger.

My favorite adjective to apply to myself:

Fuck senator Joe Lieberman.

Why Vin Diesel is great:

-Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

-Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

-Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

-Vin Diesel runs on gasoline.

The Predators are a vastly superior race to the Aliens. As far as versus is concerned, there is no question as to which race kicks more ass. If you think Aliens are better than Predators, then you my friend are a moron. Aliens have been successfully defeated by Sigourney Weaver a total of four times now. They should just quit.


The other day on my way back from class I was accosted by a casual acquaintance. He quickly began babbling on about some insipid nonsense, and I soon feared the conversation would never cease. Luckily I have encountered such a situation previously, and have since developed a defense against such obstacles. I began to gently fondle my testicles as he spoke, and whence he became aware of my actions he grew quite anxious to end our interaction. As I softly stroked my now erect penis he mumbled some inaudible comment about a task that required his immediate attention, and to my delight I was once more upon my way.

Q: How do scientists lose weight?
A: By jumping to conclusions!

If my kid was as ugly as you, I'd blame it on the mailman.

The worst thing in the world is when you're laying in bed about to go to sleep and you think of THE GREATEST PENIS JOKE EVER and then you fall asleep and in the morning you can't remember it.

If I had to nuke a concert, my first instinct would be to go for a country concert. Wiping out Garth Brooks and all his fans in one fell swoop sure sounds like a good idea. But then I started thinking about Eminem. If you nuked an Eminem concert, you'd be wiping out most of white trash America in one fell swoop, and while I'm not particularly fond of rednecks, who else is going to grow tobacco and make moonshine? Meanwhile if we wipe out Eminem fans, that's just less people that'll be killed next time a tornado drops in on another trailer park, and quite frankly I'm sick of all those trailer folks getting in nature's way! Why does everyone blame the tornados? the tornados were here first. I blame the white trash. Maybe they'd hear the tornados coming if they'd turn down their damn Eminem music.

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