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Freitag, September 30

If you see me wearing a belt, that means the pants I'm wearing do not have a top button.

For every guys birthday, he should be allowed one handjob from any girl he desires, and on every girls birthday they are allowed to kick one guy in the nuts.
This is based upon the assumption that what makes men happy is sexual stimulation, and what makes women happy is in inflicting pain upon men.

Dick move of the day:
Don't shower and whenever someone asks what smells say "I think it's you."

"I want to be bound and gagged, by a lady
I want to whipped and hit while dressed up like a baby
I'm into discipline, oh Garlick won't you spank me?
She's the board girl of S&M, and I'm a relatively simple man
Who just likes to have his nuts
stomped by Stiletto struts."

-Gonzo, Garlick Hamster

Did you ever do something that you made you feel like God himself should come down and give you a prize or a handshake, like farting for 20 seconds straight without shitting yourself?

Vomiting isn't just fun, but also a great way to reduce calories.

I remember being a little kid in school and being absent the day we learned how to read the temperature off of a thermometer. Being too embarrassed to admit my ignorance I spent the rest of the year in a silent terror, constantly afraid someone somewhere would ask me for exactly how hot it was.

Kites are one of those things that you enjoyed so much as a kid, but now it is considered gay to do even though you know it would be so much fun, like that faggot I beat down the other day.

Blippity-bloo

Donnerstag, September 29

Why do people insist on talking to me when they know I hate them?

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At around 1:00 in the morning, he leaned over and gently woke the
woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea,' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damned blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Next time you're feeling really angry, just think to yourself, "Wouldn't a piece of fried chicken taste delicious right now?" The answer will always be yes. And the only people who are mad while thinking about fried chicken are vegetarians and terrorists, and nobody likes a vegetarian. Crispy fried honey smoked delcious goodness yes, yes so much.

You know who's always years and years ahead of the current trends? Garbage men. But of course, no one listens to them, because they smell like poo.

Nothing makes me more disgusted than seeing a disgusting person wearing disgusting clothes who smells disgusting eating a tuna fish sandwhich.

"If you admit being lost, you are also a woman."

I fanatasize about me, Kiefer Sutherland, Arnold Swatrzanegger and Mr. T being the only people left alive and us all wearing spandex. I guess if she didnt get in the way my girlfriend could come to.

Craveology

Craveology dates back to 1921, when the alignment of the stars and planets brought into being a never-before-seen phenomenon- the White Castle Crave. Craveology is the science that stems from this overwhelming urge to consume White Castle burgers. It studies the relationship between the planets and the Craverscope signs, and how their interactions helps explain a craver's life. While Craveology is not meant to predict your future, it can shed light on potential opportunities to satisfy your insatiable crave. Enjoy your Craverscope. We hope it brings you insight and laughter. For more information regarding White Castle or your Craverscope, call 1-800-THE-CRAVE or visit www.whatyoucrave.com.

Mittwoch, September 28

If I had a million dollars, I would throw the greatest Real World Tuesday bash ever. There would be buffalo wings by the hundreds, philly cheese steaks galore, and roughly one thousand slim jims. The Natty Lite would flow like a river and during the commercials there would be belly dancers, not strippers, they'd be elegant and shit. And, at the climax of the episode, the Miz would burst through the door and say "WHAT'S MY NAME??!?!?" and we'd all jump up and scream and high five each other until our hands were sore. We'd finish with a little post-episode ice cream sundaes to cool down, and if you ask for a chocolate sundae you get a punch in the face by the Miz.

I'll be friends with just about anyone who isn't a douchebag. I mean look at my friends now, they fucking suck but they ain't douchebags.

Dienstag, September 27

What kind of toilet do you take your 20 pound shit in anyway? I mean, what kind of person owns a toilet capable of taking on a 20 pound load?

There's plenty of time to figure out where my life is going, and I personally think I'm on the right track, but it's not easy with my mom always up in my ear yelling "Go for the jugular! The JUGULAR!"

If Vin Diesel arm-wrestled the devil I'd bet my soul on Vin.

Vaginal secretions. There, I said it.

I had a pleasant relaxing weekend that mainly consisted of eating large sandwhiches.

There should be a television channel that has beautiful people going by on a conveyor belt all day, every day. I'm not being sexist, there should be gorgeous men and women just slowly going by, no dialogue, maybe a little relaxing elevator music in the background with some nice people to look at.

Our apartment building has 13 floors. There's this unspoken rule, that taking the elevator for anything under 7 floors is a big faux paux. Since I live on the fifth floor but try to avoid breaking the code and casting social disfavor upon myself, I've recently begun taking the elevator to the 7th floor and then walking down the 2 flights, as opposed to walking up five flights of stairs.

It's always important to hold onto cards that people have written you, for they may come in handy cleaning food out of your keyboard.

Montag, September 26


My greatest fear? To just go suddenly insane for a moment and drop a baby.

I remember the time my friend Jason ate Cheeto Puffs until he vomited. It was then, looking down at his vibrant orange puke, that I knew I could own this child. Own him well.

Shaving all the time sucks. I wish I could apply a magic lotion to parts of my face I never want to shave again. Like my neck. Yes, my neck is part of my face. Oh shut up, grandma.

I am unstoppable. I wish someone could bring me down just once and put a struggle to my invincibilty.

As a child I used to pull the wings off Daddy Long Legs.

Deductive Reasoning:

Man approaches to greet a new neighbor who is just moving into the house next door and asks what he does for a living.

Neighbor 1: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.

Man: Deductive reasoning? What is that?

Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.

Man: That's right.

Neighbor 1: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.

Man: Right again.

Neighbor 1: Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife.

Man: Correct.

Neighbor 1: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.

Man: Yup.

Neighbor 1: That is deductive reasoning.

Man: Cool.

.....Later that same day...

Man: Hey I was talking to that new neighbor next door.

Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy?

Man: Yes, and he has an interesting job.

Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah? What does he do?

Man: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.

Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning? What's that?

Man: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?

Neighbor 2: No.

Man: Faggot.

Dan Cunningham is not Kosher.

I don't like scary movies. In my old house, there was this kid down the block from me named Matt McTernan. When we were like 12, he had this sleepover party for his birthday. He had one of those families that when you're a kid you don't realize but when you're older you know his parents were doing lines of coke while you were over their house. His Dad rented all these R-rated movies for us youngsters, and I being the giant pussy of the group was the only one who thought it was a bad idea. We saw terrifying classics such as The Gate 2 and other trash, finishing up with Alien 3. To this day, I'm terrified of Sigourney Weaver. When we were all finished, Matt invited us into the kitchen for some after-horror snacks. He immediately jumps up on the counter and urinates into the sink, explaining he brought us in there with him because he was too scared to go to the bathroom by himself.

Newmans Own Gorilla Grape:

I fed this big gorilla once at the Seattle Zoo through a hole in his cage - yogurt. So delicate he was, soft mouth, subtle hands. We could become friends, I think, but then it was a long spoon.

Freitag, September 23

Actual infomercial I saw on tv the other day:

Caller: So I've just been feeling really tired lately. I have trouble going to sleep and I'm usually up very early in the morning. Then I'm fatigued all day. Even on days that I get more sleep, I still feel tired and sick all day.

Man with ridiculous facial hair: I see. What are your bowel movements like?

Calller: Not nearly as big as they used to be.

Man with ridiculous facial hair: How are your stools compared to your childrens?

Caller: Oh, the kids have much bigger stools than I. They have big ones for their age, and mine are much smaller.


After this interview, the guy explains how if you buy his product and shove it up your ass, you'll shit out 20 POUNDS of fecal matter. And after this godly crap, you'll run jump sing sleep and do just about anything better than you previously had.


That's not paint.

Girl: If you only do anal, are you still a virgin?
Mom: You filthy whore.

No adult should ever be depressed and I'll tell you why. What's the one thing that cheered you up as a kid? That's right, the toy in the cereal box. Now that you can go to the store and buy your own cereal with a toy in it whenever you feel like it, you should never be sad again you pathetic fuck.

I remember thinking I was a bad-ass in my youth for thinking up a parody to the COPS theme song: "Bad Butt." Sufficive to say, the chorus went "Whatcha gonna do when you can't go poo?"

If I was in charge, jelly would no longer be a condiment.

I hear facts and statistics like we spent 5 billion dollars last year on ringtones and I think, why not more? I'd rather have a ringtone than another crackhead living one more day. We should just burn the poor for energy like I've been saying for years. Considering that their cells are probably saturated with alcohol, I'd say they've been preparing for this plan for years. All we need is a large event to gather the homeless into one area and a match.

sometimes I think I'm gay. But then I think about sucking dick or taking it up the ass and that feeling goes right away.

Biting fingernails is infitiely superior to clipping them.

Donnerstag, September 22

Man: You say Pataki, I say bukkake.

Mittwoch, September 21

"You know what freaks me out the most though? It's those remote-control cyborg cockroaches they've made by pretty much taking over the animal's nervous system. I can just imagine the insect endlessly screaming in its mind as its own body is made alien."

I only sleep because everyone else does and I want to fit in.

Your dogs. (possessive)
You're happy. (contraction of verb YOU ARE)
Their dogs. (possessive)
They're happy. (contraction of verb THEY ARE)
Masturbate. With a U, peeps.

I have a fear of drive thru windows. Whenever I go to one I have to switch the driving over to my passenger.

I feel that my husband dosent care about me even though he says he does...

i ate all of the christmas ham last christmas and blamed it on the dags we had to eat at McDonalds and even then i had the biggest order and STILL supersized it i'm such a fat ass

I bet you're one of those assholes who thinks A Simple Plan is deep.

Dienstag, September 20

"Someone farted up in here. Shit smell like AIDS, man."

One Christmas when I was a kid, my uncle Fred gave me the game "Scattegories" as a present, and to my surprise the box was filled with Fred's feces.

As I pinned her down to the ground, I laughed and laughed and laughed, because I knew this was the last I would ever be invited to her house ever again.

When people turn 21 they got all excited, instead of realizing that it's just one less year of their life they have left to drink.

Kid #1: Paper beats rock. BAM! Your rock is blowed up!
Kid #2: "Bam" doesn't blow up, "bam" makes it spicy. Now I got a SPICY ROCK! You can't defeat that!


Adorable.

I would like to have a friend whose nickname is "Fig Newton."

"We speak in the store
I'm a sensitive bore
and you're markedly more
and I'm oozing surprise

But it's late in the day
and you're well on your way
what was golden went gray
and I'm suddenly shy

And the gathering floozies
afford to be choosy
and all sneezing darkly
in the dimming divide

I have read the right books
to interpret your looks
you were knocking me down
with the palm of your eye

This was unlike the story
it was written to be
I was riding its back
when it used to ride me

We were galloping manic
to the mouth of the source
we were swallowing panic
in the face of its force

I was blue and unwell,
made me belt like a horse.

Now it's done.
Watch it go.
You've changed some.
Water ruin from the snow.

Am I so dear?
Do I run rare?
You've changed some:
peach, plum, pear. "

God, we haven't nuked anybody for like YEARS.

Montag, September 19

I understand that by all means Oprah is probably a decent and good person, but it doesn't make me want to kick her in the throat any less.

It's fucking absurd how a crash crash on the opposite side of the highway can slow down traffic to a crawl on the side that DOESNT EVEN HAVE THE DAMN ACCIDENT. Why do all these idiots slow down? What is there to see? Have they never watched a single action movie in their lives? Who gives a fuckhole about some 2 car pile-up, just keep moving dickwad. We should get rid of the HOV because one of all who likes hippie conservationist bitches, why are we helping them make good time, and two of all we should make it a lane for people who won't slow down around accidents. Everybody will speed with not a care in the world. Of course, that lane would probably have the most accidents, but we'd just bulldoze the crash to the side and keep flying through cause fucking hell man we got places to go.

Sometimes when a little kid is talking to me I pretend that he is a spider because, Fuck I hate spiders! And I wack him in the face.

There's no way God loves everyone, that's why he gives people red hair. So you know who he hates.

Last weekend I partied hard and slept with this bar chick, but the condom broke and now I've got lycanthropy.

The other morning at like 6 am the goddamn birds chirped so freaking loud outside that, even through the window, they woke me up and I could not go back to sleep. So I went and scrambled up like 4 eggs and pretended that I was eating their young.

This one time my girlfriend and I dressed up like Greek Mythology Gods and I fucked her with the wrath of Zeus.

Memory from my youth:
Listening to Green Day and thinking I was a bad ass because of it.
(I personally felt the lyrics of Dookie spoke directly to me.)

It's fucking ridiculous that ships still sink today. We're in the 21st century and have been building ships for centuries. Build a boat that won't fucking sink already.


Two things I hate.

and then he said, "Orbit? Sounds more like BORE-bit to me!"

Cats are SO weird. They jump and run and claw, just like people but with FUR! Isn't that just wild? Smash them with a hammer! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER

What is it about alcohol that makes me think about my family members sexually?

Andrew Skoutelas: First Monologue

"I am a woman. My name is Bree. I am playing in the trees. In the tree I like playing with the bees. I hate when the bees sting me in the knees. I have a deep secret that no one can know. I wet my pants so there you go. As I walk through the bushes I came across an apple. Oh wait no actually it's a bottle of Snapple. What a lucky break to find a bottle of Snapple when you actually think you're looking at an apple. I have to go to the bathroom again. I need to find some leaves and a stick. Oh wow, I just discovered that I actually have a prick. Going to the bathroom when playing in the trees is much easier if you have a prick. If you don't know a prick is another name for a dick. Now that I have a dick I am going to change my name to Rick. Forget the damn stick, I'll just stand and take a piss. I can't believe this amazing discovery I have made. I am actually a man, not a woman. How could I have never known this. I must have been living in a state of complete bliss. Or is this a dream? I am dreaming that I am a man. Well whatever, as long as I don't start dreaming that I am a little lamb."

Solution to overpopulation: For the next 3 years, every single child shall be aborted. A 3-year hiatus from births would go a long way to help us get back on track.

I'd like to set up a video camera to tape myself while sleeping to figure out how the fuck gum goes from your mouth straight to your hair in your sleep.

Sonntag, September 18

If I was an alien, and while investigating earth I discovered a gym, and
I saw people lifting shit up and putting it back down and people running in place for hours and hours, I'd seriously doubt there was any chance of intelligent life on the planet.

I don't believe in asteroids.

A father had to take his daughter to the gynecologist.
After her check-up, the doctor spoke with the father.
"Mr. Anderson, is your daughter sexually active"?
"No. She just lays there like her mother"!

I've only seen the naked female body once or twice, and it was disgusting.

Someday I'll trick someone into loving me, and then I'll laugh and laugh and laugh.

I don't understand the point of a toilet seat cover and I feel they should all be eliminated.

I enjoy music very much. But on many an occasion I have attended a concerty and realized that the artist whose songs I may love is a horribly ugly individual or group of individuals. Why should I pay 20 bucks to listen to a song that I like performed by a bunch of ugly fucks? Why not just listen the songs for free while watching broadband pornography?

I don't believe in discriminating, but short people are completely fucking worthless.

Freitag, September 16

If I was a chem major or science major I would totally isolate the enzyme or bacteria in White Castle burgers that makes you shit two hours later for my thesis.

Ever notice that when there's the word 'sex' in the title, it isnt nearly as interesting as you'd think? Like the Unisex Palace at the mall, or the class Sex roles, or Trans-sexy-vestites.

The Ipod: A great alternative to talking to people.

At this point in time, Slim Jims constitute about 50% of my food intake. I look foward to the day I shit blood and puke Slim jims constantly, the day I become a man and make my Dad proud.

I don't know if you're aware of this, but Helen Keller hogs all the spotlight. You hear the words blind/deaf/dumb and you immediately think of this selfish hoe. I mean, they made that movie "Ray" and they couldnt include a last name because of Helen Keller. Her oppression has stood for far too long. it's time people learned that there are other blind people in the world. I'm sick of her shit.

Whenever a little girl talks to me, like yesterday when some gymnastics team was selling cookies for a fundraiser, I always think they're flirting with me, even though I'm a balding 42-year-old man with a serious beer gut.

Every time a chick wants a hug I'm going to ask for a handjob in exchange.

Why is it's ok for them to ask for a hug to feel better but not ok for us to ask for sexual gratification to make us feel better?

Males get ripped off.

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench watching some kids play.
The Priest leans over to the Rabbi and says, “Wouldn’t you like to screw those kids?”
The Rabbi shrugs and replies, “Out of what?”

How do you single handedly fight the Roman Catholic Church?
Masturbate

So if anyone is reading this at all and has a favorite that they'd like to see re-posted, let me know. Until then, here is more stupid shit.

"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." Brief pause.

Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

"Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"OK, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back
to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."

"I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?"

"He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for Winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either." Long pause.

Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"

And for my last flashback, a personal fav of mine:

Well I'm sure you're all dying to know how the squash trip went this weekend. Some of you may have already heard the tragic tale. Friday's match went without a hitch, Fordham losing all our matches quick enough to grab an early dinner. That was fine. On saturday though, we played Conneticut college at 7am. During my match, I was next to my opponent and was struck dead between the eyes with his racket. I really don't remember it too well, and then I woke up in an ER room. I had 12 stitches in my head, and had lost a lot of blood. But wait, it gets worse. The doctor comes in and informs me that I had recieved a blood transplant due to my lack of blood loss. Then however he told me that they had recieved word that the blood I recieved was tainted, and that I had now been diagnosed with HIV. I suppose I was in complete shock, I was numb. I just kept thinking that it couldn't be true, you know? It's hard to face the fact that you're going to die, much less that you're going to die most likely very soon. So I called my house and told my mom, and she cried and cried and I tried to tell her it was ok, but how can you convince someone of something you have no heart in? Finally, the doctor couldn't take it anymore and broke out laughing. Turns out the whole thing was a big gag. Boy, was my face red!

Finally it's hot out again. It's so hard to be skanky in cold weather.

I tried to explain to the cops that much like Luke Skywalker or Yoda I was using "the Force", but they kept on referring to it as "rape."

If you were a dictator and a guy made a crack about how you "put the dick back in dictator," I guess that guy would really have to go.

This is an actual problem from my Calculus 2 textbook this summer:
An especially prolific breed of rabbits has the growth term ky^1.01. If 2 such rabbits breed initially and the warren has 16 rabbits after three months, when is doomsday?


I'm fucking sick and tired of going to the gym. I've resolved to just make everyone around me eat more.

This feels weird to say but, I'm back!
It's been a long time.
How've you been?
I've been alright.
What's your sister been up to?
Pregnant again?
Enough small talk, let's get down to business. To kick us off, I'm going to re-post some of my previous posts. Hopefully they shall inspire both you to read this once more, and most importantly for me to write some more. We shall see.

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