Sonntag, Oktober 31

Halloween is a fantastic holiday when you're a kid, but also one of the few holidays that is still fantastic for a 20-something year old. This is because Halloween is just another excuse for skanks to be extra slutty, much like the first days of summer. Halloween starts out as 'Candy Spree' but soon becomes 'Oggle-Fest.'

My goal in life is to become filthy rich so I could finally wear a pair of socks only once before throwing them away. Wearing socks more than once is so plebian.

It may be hard to believe, but this website IS actually as good as it sounds:
Fat Chicks in Party Hats

Samstag, Oktober 30

We either need to start getting some softer toilet paper or I have to stop eating so much White Castle.

Freitag, Oktober 29

A lot of women assume that a 3-some is every guys dream. I'm here to tell you that it is most certainly not this guys dream. Two women at once? Christ, I have enough trouble leaving one girl unsatisfied, I'd rather not double the dissapointment.

Three hobos are sitting around a camp fire talking one night.

The first hobo says, ' I had me a great day!! I found 3 quarters and 7 pop cans.' The other hobos agreed this was a great day for the man.

The second hobo said ' I had me an even better day. I found me 6 quarters and 10 pop cans.' The other hobos agreed this was even a better day.

The third hobo said ' I had me an even better day! I found me a naked woman tied to the railroad tracks!'

The other two hobos were shocked. They then asked, ' well ... did ya untie her?? '

The third hobo replied with a yes.

The hobos then asked ' Did ya fuck her ? '

The third hobo replied with a yes.

The hobos then asked, ' Did you get a blow job ?? '

The third hobo replied, ' Nah, I couldnt find her head. '

Donnerstag, Oktober 28

Ideas for a porno titles:

-Sluts 4 Nuts
This is a flexible title, because this could either be a movie about girls who love nuts or sluts who have 4 nuts.

-Nuts 4 Sluts
Again, guys who like sluts, sluts enjoying nuts.

I'm always surprised by how much listening to the Beach Boys can cheer me up.

I'm filthy rich I'm always tan and I got a great ass too, but my marriage sucks so I hate my life.

Mittwoch, Oktober 27

I feel fat as always, but I can't throw up this time because everyone knows about it now and won't let me.

last night i dreamt that i was having a pelvic exam, as though the doc didn't notice the wrong junk down there. i was scared to death. then my house plant had a cold and was snotting all over its pot. that part really upset me because it's the only other living thing in my apartment. who needs a drink??

Dick move of the day:
Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Sometimes I worry about people laughing at me behind my back, because lord knows I laugh at them behind theirs.

Dienstag, Oktober 26

Last, please note that Steven has been known to be a bit needy. So
many of the people that he has gotten to know through CitySquash are
very generous and will often buy him drinks, snacks or meals (Brigoli
has been known to do this!). That is fine in and of itself, but he
has come to expect it to some extent.

I have talked to Steven about this a number of times, and he knows
that he is not supposed to do this. If he asks you to buy him
something, PLEASE DO NOT feel pressured to do so. He is not
malnourished or anything--just needy. And if you feel comfortable
doing so, please tell him that such a request is innapropriate and let
me know so that I can talk to him.

Montag, Oktober 25

Q: What do women and ketchup bottles have in common?
A: They both work better after you hit them a few times.

I've recently discovered video game television on TechTv, and it is freakin' blowing my mind. One of all, the sheer amount of fat grotesque nerds getting face time on the tube is staggering. Two of all, I could probably beat some of these kids. Since I have absolutely no reputation anyway, I really see no reason not to go play video games on tv. Of course, the only thing worse than playing in a public video game competition is losing a public video game competetion. The only thing slightly more dorky would have to be blogging about it.

Just because you lose weight don't mean you're in shape Jared, remember that.

I know it sounds like a mean prank, but it actually happened.

I really think people with red hair should be considered their own ethnic group, because I hate them more than Asians and Jews and blacks combined. Red hair is God's way of telling us to burn you alive.

Sonntag, Oktober 24

Q: How many newborns does it take to paint a house?

A: Depends on how hard you throw them.

Signs that refer to an event happening "tonight" without specifying the date or at least the day of the week are stupid.


Samstag, Oktober 23

Spice World was an atrocity on par with the Holocaust. (In the Jewish communities, the Holocaust is referred to as Shoah, a term meaning destruction.)

Normally I'm against selling out, but in Smash Mouth's case, I think it was the best possible move.

Who would ever want to turn their keg into a 6-pack? That goes against everything I've ever stood for in my life.

Dick move of the day:
Take the elevator for one floor.

I generally try to steer clear of freshmen majoring in pre-law. That's just way too much direction for me.

I like beef nearly as much as I like lamb.

Not really a big fan of Jews... or Asians for that matter.

Freitag, Oktober 22

Taking a shit is never truly fulfilling if you're not naked.

I was a pathetic loser when I was younger. If you think I'm bad now, you should've seen me back then. Truth be told, I was a waste of life. I always cried because no hot girls liked me and always claimed "nice guys finish last." Now I know something that can blow the lid off of Emo and all that other shit: YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM TO BE A NICE GUY. There are plenty of people whose lives aren't worthless and are still nice guys. Wondering why the girls only like you as a friend? Maybe she doesn't find your self-deprecating comments attractive. Nobody wants to be with someone like that. Hell, I'm amazed I even had friends back then.

saying find room ashamed grandma prettier fresh! call loved government sugar
author slowly dog offered enough far' obliged weird former case marry spoken am
clothes procedure daughter.
build taught situation do age? able taking bicycle showed concentrate ground
rising forced near. pocket spirits fool noisy, years within stayed grabbed able
lost blew eleven' complete tried speaking mere?

Christ I gotta stop facebooking. I've been making my birthday every other day and I've recieved over like 30 birthday messages. I don't know why I find it so amusing. Oh wait, making people do stupid things is kind of amusing, isn't it?

Costco needs to start carrying Preperation H because those miniature fucking tubes they sell at CVS is not cutting it.

Lately a lot of assholes have been griping about stupid shit, but I find I can't hear them because I'm playing the Mortal Kombat theme song wayyyy too loud.

Donnerstag, Oktober 21

I, along with the other adolescents who still posess the ability of rational thought, comletely despise the pop-punk styles of Simple Plan, Good Charlotte and the like. It's always the same message of teenage angst over and over. I want to hear a pop song about how the guy's girlfriend just decided to give him her flower, how his parents get along, and most importantly how he passed that crazy midterm that he was so worried about. I would totally blast that song to combat other winners such as "Loser Anthem" or "Perfect." At least the fucking awful female music videos can be watched on mute for pornographic purposes, cheesy pop crap has absolutely no function whatsoever.

Now that Eminem has resorted to making fun of the 80's, I feel as though I'm cooler than he is. In fact, I could probably beat him up. You hear that Slim? By the slide after recess bitch, let's go.

Rick James, the flamboyant funk musician who died suddenly in August, had nine drugs in his system including cocaine, methamphetamine, valium and vicodin, according to a coroner's report on Thursday.

That's just plain crazy.

Dienstag, Oktober 19

There's nothing worse than a fucker who enjoys a game of 'beirut.' What the fuck is that? Asian for 'stupid fucking name' most likely. Take your game back to your backwater country, this is America, land of the free and home of beer fuckin pong.

The word 'nigger' is a key term in American culture.

Ham and heroin are totally in different categories. I don't care what you say, ham and heroin are different things.

Montag, Oktober 18

"I dated a kamikaze pilot once. He was bad though, he kept landing."

How to tell if you're from New Jersey:
Everyone keeps telling you to kill yourself, but you think they're wrong.

Dick move of the day:
Make a fake profile on Facebook and spend all day asking people you don't know to be your friend.

My elbows have become extremely dry lately. I find myself moisturizing them multiple times a day. Extremely strange development, I'll keep everyone updated.

Samstag, Oktober 16

I've had sex a couple of times. It was alright I guess, I dunno, I didn't really enjoy it too much. My dog though, he loved it.

I know I have not been blogging recently, I've been obsessed with this damn facebook thing. I poke over 200 times a day. It's getting ridiculous. I'm sure the fad will pass soon and I'll have no other outlet for killing time other than my blog once more, but until then you're just going to have to amuse yourselves.

Freitag, Oktober 15

Hey everybody, I joined the Fordham Facebook. I know I am a huge tool, but please check me out ok?

Here's a real fun game fellas:
Find the rapist!

Look who's back again motherfuckers!

My cell phone battery was nearly dead last night, and I desperately needed to make a phone call. You know what I did? That little hole where you plug in the thing to charge it up... I licked it. French kissed the bastard, and the electricity from my body gave it a little jump. Seriously guys, got a whole bar out of it. If you're ever in dire need to call someone, make out with your phone, fo'real.

Donnerstag, Oktober 14

Phobia of the day:
Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons.

Hey everybody, this is Bob.

He'll be working with you guys from now on. A little heads up notice, Bob tends to listen to his radio a little too loud and craves human brains. I expect all of you to make him feel right at home.

Natalia Imbruglia - Torn Lyrics

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's what's going on, nothing's fine I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I dont care, I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn. torn.

There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
Thats what's going on, nothings right, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn

Mittwoch, Oktober 13

Milk And Cereal

random haiku

I really do like Jen
Can we become more than friends?
If not, I'll rape her

Do you ever feel like your life would be significantly better if a celebrity just straight up died? For me, it's Wanda Sikes. If she was brutally murdered, my life would start picking up. I'd do my homework, move up the squash ladder, and funnel 4 beers at once if Wanda Sikes died.

I really don't care about baseball either way. I do enjoy the mayhem that occurs when Yankees and Sox fans get together, and do whatever I can to foster their hatred for each other. Where I draw the line is when the goddamn baseball game goes long and cuts out my 11:30 Seinfeld! Stupid fucking sport.

Dick move of the day:
Drum on every available surface.

Phobia of the day:
Russophobia - Fear of Russians.

Somebody brings up the original Tony Hawk and you get all pumped because it was the sickest damn game and you used to play it until your thumbs bled and then you start playing it and you realize that there are no manuals, no transfers, the graphics are poor the controls are shoddy and the levels are smaller than your freshman college dorm room and all your beautiful memories are shattered and you have to throw in mario kart just to keep from crying.

Come on now, say it with me: I am a fucking whore! Good job kids! Now take off your pants.

A stream of conciousness exercise in my communications class produced this:

My career goals are somewhat mixed at the moment, since I do not know what my career will be. If I am a teacher my goal will be to educate my students. If I am unemployed, my goals will be to eat lots of slim jims. I love slim jims. So much of my spine is devoted to slim jims that I feel like Macho Man Randy Savage. He is a big hairy man. I cannot play the piano, therefore I will never become a pianist. The pianist is a movie, legitimate, but sounds like a porno. My arm is so very tired my wrist feels like I have been playing squash all day long and all night and all thanksgiving I love turkey it reminds me of slim jims I don't have anything else at all to say I hate this exercise more than anything a b c d

Clever little phrases like "cell it" or "self own" suck.

Dienstag, Oktober 12

Dick move of the day:
Refer to yourself as "A diamond in the rough"

Phobia of the day:
Venustraphobia- Fear of beautiful women.

Called up my mom, said "I'm in love with this stripper YO!"

Cast Away is a fucking horrendous movie. You know who the best character in that movie is? Wilson. A fucking inanimate object is the best character, hell, he's the best actor! People might try to spoon you bullshit about how Tom Hanks brings Wilson alive using the magical powers of 'just being Tom Hanks.' Fuck that. I'd like to see a porno where Jenna Jameson believes a pair of man's balls are alive. If Jenna Jameson could convince me that some guys sweaty nuts were alive, I'd concede and say she deserves credit. Fuck Tom Hanks and fuck Cast Away.

While in D.C. this weekend, we're out drinking and this girl comes up to me and says "Hey, you look like Jesus!" to which I reply "Hey, you look like a bar slut!"

Normally every monday night we have a halftime snack program on our floor, but this week it was cancelled because of the holiday. I'm pretty sure that if Columbus knew that I didn't get White Castle because of him, he'd be pretty pissed off.

10+ hours of bus transportation confirmed my belief that english is the only suitable language for the human race.

October 11th, 2004:
I took the greatest piss of my life.

Samstag, Oktober 9

I won't be blogging all weekend, so now is a good time to read back and catch up on blog crap you missed.

Freitag, Oktober 8

Hottie With A Body
It's like Hot or Not with 4593759257235327 more inappropriate photos.

Q: What do you call a black skeleton?
A: Lazy Bones

Last night was utterly ricockulous. Here are just a few aspects of last night:
-$1 shots
-Facial Hair
-An ape suit
-Philly Honey Blunt
-Pole Vaulting
-White Castle
-More White Castle

Dick move of the day:
Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

It's hard to forget what day Halloween is, since it's basically the only day of the year that matters.

Phobia of the day:
Ostraconophobia- Fear of shellfish.

Donnerstag, Oktober 7

Steven Tyler died many years ago but for some godforsaken reason his corpse continues to play shitty music.

Random Haiku
Am I seeing this?
Is Elvis mowing the lawn?
Nope. It's just Satan

Q: What do you call a skeleton who won't work?
A: Lazy bones.

Yeah I know man, I've been through lots of changes! I'm in hell, right? Satan says go fish and I'm like I don't see no cards, and next thing I know I'm a worm! Now wait a minute, I got a plan, see! See, we take these monsters right? We start a haunted house, yeah, yeah you feeling me? Yeah we invite everyone to the haunted house and they come thinking it's gonna be all scary and shit, but in fact the house is also FOR SALE, cause it's a CONDO, get it? And people are gonna pay big ass cash money to live there, right? And then we take all that money and buy MORE psychedelic mushrooms, you feel me? Yeah, I'm gonna eat a bunch of 'em, so what do you guys think?

My note to the Millenium Grille on their "We'd Like To Hear From you!" customer comment card:

My Total Dining Experience Today Has Been:
0 Excellent 0 Very Good 0 Average x Fair

(notice that the worst possible option given is Fair)

Here's What I Think: Your employee Henry is one of the most unpleasent and rude Sodexho employees I've ever had the displeasure of encountering. I am unsure if he hates me specifically or the general Fordham populace, but he has put a black cloud over many of my meals. I fear ordering a gyro, for I am unsure if I can withstand Henry's ice cold gaze one more time.

They have a section called "We Are Pleased To Respond" that they can fill out and then post the entire document of the wall of the Grille if they so choose, but I have a feeling this is not posting material.

If I ever take the elevator down from my floor and it stops on the second floor and someone gets on to take it down to the 1st floor I'm just going to start screaming and not stop until we arrive at the bottom.

I often go through periods of healthy eating and physical fitness to try and reduce the size of my bulbous gut. However, after a week I usually jiggle my belly in the bathroom a bit to see if I've made any progress, and am always reminded of Jello Jigglers as I watch my tummy jiggle, whereafter I go back on an eating binge. This has become a deadly cycle for me, and I fear I may never break it. Have you ever bawled, tears streaming down your face, while consuming an entire bag of "fun-sized" Snickers? Have you?

If I was a superhero, let's be honest, it would probably be relating to video games. My weakness would be racing video games, I f'in suck at them.

Mittwoch, Oktober 6

Ladies, does this turn you on or what?

Hold on a second. Bush is against gay marriage, and so is Kerry? No one believes that gay marriage should be fully legalized? This is fucking ridiculous. The world is an awful, awful, place. If two people make each other happy, let them get fucking married, who gives a fuck who marries whom. How the hell is this still an issue?

Beer Game
Postmodernism: The Drinking Game

RULE ONE: If anyone, at any time, for any reason, believes in, supports, or likes a person, place, or idea, it's only because they haven't uncovered the fundamental contradictions underlying it and you are allowed to laugh at them because they are less Jaded than you.

QUALIFICATION ONE: If everyone disbelieves in, attacks, or dislikes a person, place, or idea, it's only because they haven't uncovered the fundamental contradictions underlying that disbelief, and you may support that person, place, or idea, and you are allowed to laugh at the other players because they are less perceptive than you.

COROLLARY: Anyone who explains the rules is an annoying fuck.

Have a drink.

Dienstag, Oktober 5

Cheerios says on the box that it helps reduce the risk of heart attacks. I think this is misleading, because it doesn't tell you how it prevents heart attacks. I mean, joining the mob is a great way to prevent heart problems too, because you'll get shot long before your heart begins to give out. So all you fat fucks, eat cheerios or join the mob.

I don't remember most of the best times of my life.

"Mr. Postman, do you have a letter for me? Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to bother you while you were reloading."

Dick move of the day:
Fart in public places.

It's my humble opinion that there are no color blind people, rather people who are supposedly color blind are in fact just stupid.

Montag, Oktober 4

Watching tv has made me terribly afraid of having dandruff and being unaware of it.

"Our lawyers have conclusively proven that those people were beheaded before they entered the Sim House of Blades."

ok, I stole that joke from the Simpsons

People always get very uppity about things they introduce to their friends. I'm guilty of it too, I know. You show something to somebody and they get all like hardocre into it, you always want to be like "well he/she would've never known about it if it weren't for me." You get all high and mighty about it, and it's ridiculous. Unless you invented or created the music/video/store/whatever, somebody must have shown it to you, so don't act like if you show it to someone else you can hold it over them.

People always get very uppity about things they introduce to their friends. I'm guilty of it too, I know. You show something to somebody and they get all like hardocre into it, you always want to be like "well he/she would've never known about it if it weren't for me. You get all high and mighty about it, and it's ridiculous. Unless you invented or created the music/video/store/whatever, somebody must have shown it to you, so don't act like if you show it to someone else you can hold it over them.

Today on Fordham road I saw a guy selling Italian Ices and the flavors included Cherry, Mango, and Raymbo. I really wanted to ask the guy what he thought of my pance.

So I was hanging out with Vin the other day, just walking around the city. He really needed a new pair of shoes and thought mine were pretty cool, so we took a trip in to show him where I got 'em. While we're riding on the subway discussing the sports game from the night before, this kid interrupts us and yells "Holy SHIT you're VIN DIESEL!" Vin looked at me and rolled his eyes, and I had to stifle a laugh. He totally hates being singled out like that, he'd much rather mosy along just like everybody else. He subdued the kid with a signed photograph, an idea of mine which really helps us get rid of the fans. After we got the shoes we were heading back on the D-Train and these kids started break dancing for money. Vin got up to do his thing and I put my hand on his chest, but there was just no stopping Vin. Of course Vin starts break dancing, and I guess if you've never seen Vin Diesel break dance it's hard to explain, but needless to say everybody on the train crapped their pants (except me, which totally drives Vin wild) and the other break dancing kids all started crying. Vin drop kicked them off the train at the next spot. Vin's a good guy, but he feels if you're going to break dance you really should know how to do it right.

Dick move of the day:
Drive half a block.

"Either I'm getting some sluts or I'm getting some sleep."
-Brian Cunningham

Attention everyone. Ahem. I do not like the Jets. Thank you.

Samstag, Oktober 2

Every time I play FreeCell the same thing happens every time. I beat a couple in a row and i think "how can anyone lose at this game?" and then I get cocky and blow one hard and think "christ this one's impossible."

I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their back.

Freitag, Oktober 1

Mary Kate Olsen: What do we have to do to be popular?

Dick move of the day:
Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

During a rousing game of hearts the other night I loudly proclaimed "I would've shot the moon if I hadn't been a jack off!" before realizing my verbal blunder.

You just take your pills, and everything will be alright.

I tell everyone that I like coffee and that it's great even though I hardly drink it.

When I was little and the show 'Wienerville' came on, I always unzipped my pants and shouted out 'Wienerville!'

Some people have questioned me as to why I am still blogging, and I tell them "Listen Mom and Dad, there are still some blacks, asians, and a few mexicans who think they're as good as the white man, and I won't stop blogging until they understand their inferiority."

Have you ever been so drunk that you found the lifetime channel interesting?
Me neither.

I told my mom that the Offspring song "Bad Habit" was about nail biting so she would let me listen to them.

When I was younger, a couple of my comrades and I formed our own punk rock group called Blue Death. The band lasted for an offical 30 minutes long, which was considerable since none of the three of us played any kind of musical instrument, and the name was the most original bite off of Green Day that we could think of.

Becoming a priest used to be a hassle but not anymore, thanks to the:

Hey, you! Yeah you! Are you cooler than everyone else? Do you find that talking on your nextel is not enough proof? Maybe you should flip up your collar while talking on your nextel! Then all will know how much better you are than them!

The other night I was returning late from the library. I had been on a mission to find some "porn" in the library by looking at old classy paintings of naked woman. The mission was more or less a success. But I digress. On my walk back to the dorm I came upon a group of three hoodlums terrorizing a poor kitten. They were circled around the tiny creature, each of them poking it with a stick. One had a long stick, another medium, another short, which seemed to warrant further investigation but goddamnit I had no time man! I quickly rushed the threesome who were caught off guard by my blitz and I quickly scooped up the cat and ran off. As I speeded off in escape I turned my head around to curse the young brats for their vile and sinful ways. As I began my justified taunting, my flip-flop strap broke (I told my mother that a 2 dollar pair from Old Navy would not go far) and I fell head over heels to the ground. The kitten fell from my hands and bounced and rolled into a nearby sewer. I am fairly certain of the poor cat's demise.

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