Montag, November 22

Dick move of the day:
Go into your gym wearing jeans and a t-shirt, get on the treadmill and just start walking at a nice slow relaxing pace while smoking a cigarette.

you ever know a real stupid person and all the time you just want to be like "GOD YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID!"? Well, that's how I feel about animals. All the time.

Oh we all gonna answer when the big bell rings
We all got to answer that bell
That big bell gonna come ringin'
And send all the children to hell

Freitag, November 19

Fuck animals.

I'm currently in the market for a sweet pair of aviators. If anyone's got a pair they're willing to part with, let me know.

You need big sunglasses if you have a big head.

Dick move of the day:
Drink wine.

Fordham blows. No joke, no punchline.

The tickets in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory had to have been planted. There's no other way Slugworth could have been right there when the children opened them. I mean, they were all over the world, yet he manages to be 20 feet away whenever a ticket is open? Bullshit. And the Oompa-Loompa songs? You think they thought those up on the spot like that? Wonka probably had those written up before the tickets were even found. We all know midgets aren't bright enough to think up songs and stuff.

My teacher just got back from Italy and said that they played disco music pretty much non-stop throughout the country. I don't get it, European countries have been around for literally thousands of years, while America has only been around for a few hundred. So why are they all still a few decades behind?

Wait a minute, I have no way of ever getting money! Maybe I should commit suicide!

The saddest thing is a retarded man who is crying and promising a broken egg that it will still be a chicken someday. And that they'll play together in a field when it gets better.

Mittwoch, November 17

"i know that i am smarter than most people. it's annoying alot of the time because i know they just don't grasp what i am saying to them. i give up and agree when they are wrong because it makes me so frustrated to explain everything. my psychatrist said that i would always have trouble relating to people because of it. he is a stupid prick and i fantasise about stabbing him. he never understands what i am saying to him. he nods like he has a clue - but i know he doesn't, you can see straight through people when they can't understand things like that. he is fat anyway, he'll probably have a heart attack. i don't trust fat doctors. i mean if he is such a good psychiatrist why is he a fatty?? does he turn to food for comfort? or he is against chucking it back up because he 'cures' people of that? what am i even talking about anymore???"

Guy 1: Did you hear that?
Guy 2: It sounds close.

Having an online photo album is trendy. Straight up.

I dug a hole in my backyard and had sex with it. Does that make the Earth gay?

It's getting pretty cold out these days. Why then must I still see rolls of fat dangling from belly shirts?

Dick move of the day:
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

Nuke Baby Seals for Jesus

Dienstag, November 16

Braille has got to be one of the stupidest things ever. Maybe it makes sense for people who were born blind, but what about people who weren't? As if it's not bad enough to lose the power of sight, they punish you even further by making you learn an entirely new language. Why not just have the normal alphabet but just with raised lettering? It's alot easier to tell what a D feels like than a bunch of stupid fucking dots.

Thie only reason this picture was put in is because I like connect 4.

Q: What's the best present a goth can give you for your birthday?
A: Finally following through on that suicide threat.

It is a fanceyful notion to make such steps as lead you to altar,
particular when the mouth is ashes at the news.
Me 'n Spongebath we do not yoke the female unto the covenant of Matrimony and our days they are tranquil.
The tears they do come but they are not often.

At the age of eighty my mother had her last bad fall, and after that her mind wandered free through time. Some days she went to weddings and funerals that had taken place half a century earlier. On others she presided over family dinners cooked on Sunday afternoons for children who were now gray with age. Through all this, she lay in bed but moved across time, traveling among the dead decades with a speed and an ease beyond the gift of physical science.

You haven't truly lived until you've played Halo 2 online.

Montag, November 15

Note: This may be offensive to women, men, doctors, senior citizens, homosexuals, or anyone who doesn't like jokes.

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, 'Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.'
'What do you mean?' The guy says, 'You can't tell the difference?'
'Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her.'

Golden brown
texture like sun
Lays me down
with my mind she runs

Throughout the night
no need to fight
Never a frown
with golden brown.

Ev'ry time
just like the last
On her ship tied to the mast

To distant lands
takes both my hands
Never a frown
with golden brown.

Golden brown
finer temptress
Through the age she's heading west.

From far away
stays for a day
Never a frown
with golden brown.

Never a frown with golden brown

Never a frown with golden brown

My favorite thing about the nickname D-Train is all the little quips and catch phrases that come out of it.

-"Don't be on the tracks when the trains a-comin."
-"I'd sure like to tie her down to the tracks, if ya know what I mean."
-"Hey baby, want to touch my third rail?"
-"All aboard the pain train mother fucker."

Alright well the last one is from The Mask starring Jim Carrey, but the rest are useable.

As a friend of mine once said, I'm not shy about my penis, just my flaccid penis. I try to avoid having anyone but me catch it off guard, but when erect I'd show it to the Queen of England if she asked nicely.

I know it's wrong to laugh at retarded people, but seriously my brother is just too funny.

Bikini Bounce

What did the Jewish Santa Claus say to the children when he came down the chimney?

Hey Kids! Wanna buy some toys?!

I call this picture "My Husband's a Drunk."

I like to take a dump directly before my squash matches, because I feel so much lighter on my feet for the game.

Samstag, November 13

I think Halo is a clever critique of Eastern vs. Western culture. The Covenant obviously represent the East with their caste system and emphasis on religion, and the Marines represent the West with their strong unity and more emphasis on humanity than religiocity. If Halo taught me anything, it's that we all have to work together to defeat the evil parasite we all fear, the Flood.

Donnerstag, November 11

Dick move of the day:
Tell someone you have something that you wanted to tell them but that you forgot it, when in fact this is a bald-faced lie.

Having a fourth story window is like having a trash can you never have to empty out.

She came from Greece. She had a thirst for knowledge.
She studied sculpture at Saint Martin's College.
That's where I--caught her eye.
She told me that her dad was loaded.
I said, in that case I'll have a rum and Coca-Cola.
She said fine, and in thirty seconds time she said...
I wanna live like common people.
I wanna do whatever common people do.
I wanna sleep with common people.
I wanna sleep with common people like you.
Well, what else could I do? I said, I'll see what I can do!

Mittwoch, November 10

I saw a sign here at Fordham the other day advertising a "Cell Phone Drive." Even before I read further, I just knew the notion of donating old cell phones was going to be a retarded idea, and they certainly delivered. It turns out that your cell phone donation can help stop domestic abuse. That's right, the people here at Fordham believe that the reason these wives and girlfriends do not report their abusive spouses is because THEY ARE UNABLE TO GET TO A PHONE. Let's face it, every single person here in the United States could get to a phone if they wanted to. The fact is, if these woman have yet to report their abuse, it's probably because they deserve it.

Dienstag, November 9

In my younger and more vulnerable years, myfather gave me a piece of advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since. He said, "It's not love unless they bleed."

If I say something sarcastic to your face and laugh, don't take it seriously because I like you. If I say something sarcastic to your face and don't laugh at all, this means I don't like you and it probably wasn't sarcastic at all.

A good way to end an argument with any girl is "My penis is bigger than yours."

Poke the Bunny, but I'd be careful if I were you.

Dick move of the day:
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." In fact, just wear a cape.

Tell me the look on that guys face is not terrifying.

I wonder what sex is like. I wonder if I will ever get laid. I don't think so. The doctor says I can't have sex for at least another year, since i crushed my pelvic bone in a freakish elephant riding contest...So it's more like the elephant did most of the crushing.

Who's the Daddy?
1 (800) R-U-MY KID
DNA Paternity Testing for Legal or Peace of Mind

It's sad really, my agent hasn't called me in months.

I don't believe in love at first sight, but I completely agree with hate at first sight. In fact, I encourage it.

New Years Resolutions:
1. Lie more
2. Drink more
3. Take Fencing classes

Montag, November 8

Dick move of the day:
Urinate anywhere but a toilet.

Who I appear to be and who I actually am in reality are completely different. I try to seem like one of the 'cool' dudes, but after my roommate leaves and there's no one around I like to blast Third Eye Blind's Jumper and bounce around the room singing with all my heart.

I have a pin that says "Please don't smoke and I won't fart."

Listening to Elliott Smith is always bitter-sweet for me. Because while it makes me sad that he stabbed himself in the heart and killed himself, if he hadn't done it I probably wouldn't be listening to him right now.

No shit he's Ham of the Year, look at that porker.

I'm sorry, but that is SO a penis.

Once upon a time not so long ago
Tommy used to work on the docks
union's been on strike

He's down on his luck - It's tough
so tough.
Gina works the diner all day
working for her man

She brings home her pay for love
for love.

She says, We've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not.
We've got each other and that's a lot for love -
We'll give it a shot.

We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer

Take my hand and we'll make it
I swear - livin' on a prayer.

Tommy got his six string in hock.
Now he's holding in what he used to make it talk -
So tough
it's tough.
Gina dreams of running away
when she cries in the night
Tommy whispers, Baby
It's okay

We've got to hold on to what we've got . . .
We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer
. . .

We've got to hold on ready or not

You live for the fight when it's all that you've got.

We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer
. . .
We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer
. . .
We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer

Why is it that 2 out of every 3 skanks I see are wearing those big stupid boots? You know, the tannish ones with the big fluffy insides? They are fucking HIDEOUS. And the skanks seem to love wearing them with skirts, so there's nothing to deviate your attention from their BIG UGLY BOOTS. Seriously, why the fuck are you all wearing them? They may be comfortable, but too bad, they're still awful. In fact, the whole female wardrobe is centered around being uncomfortable: high heels, thongs, sking tight clothing. The more uncomfortbale a woman is, the more attractive she looks, and that is a fact. So stop wearing those stupid boots and put on something uncomfortable.

I remember my parents used to always tell me that eating an apple with the skin on is as good as brushing your teeth. I think what they were trying to tell me was after you eat an apple and get the skin caught in your teeth, you're going to go brush em.

Sonntag, November 7

I nearly dropped a bar of soap in the toilet today and it got me thinking. Would it still be clean? Because hell, it's soap. Would it be dirty or would the toilet be clean?

I'd like to personally give a shout out to my main man Rob Miga for constantly sending me cool links and videos.

You ever wonder if a beer bottle would make a good night light? Guess what, it doesn't.

Here's another kind of person I hate: obvious revelation man who thinks he's brilliant. You know any of these people? They're the ones who go, "Hey Dan, like, if you see a cop breaking the law, who can you call? You know, because he IS the police!" Way to go Einstein, that's amazing. How about you shut up and pass the blunt now. And give me some more of those doritoes, those things are fucking bitchin. Asshole.

Favorite song to listen to while playing FreeCell:
Bon Jovi's Living on a Prayer

I just saw Spider Man 2, and while I enjoyed the action parts of it, there was way too much sappy crap happening. Also, parts of the plot were downright ludicrous. Here's an example taken directly out of the movie during Professor Octavius' press conference before his experiment:

Octavius: Using the Tritium kindly donated by Harry Osbourne, I am now going to solve the world's energy crisis.

Reporter: How do you plan to control the experiment?

Octavius: With these four bionical arms. I shall attatch them to my spine and brain for complete precision.

Reporter: Isn't that dangerous?

Octavius: While it is true that the arms have a powerful and evil personality, and a strong lust for destruction and a habit of robbing banks, they will be unable to take control of my brain because of this fragile tiny blue chip I have placed in a very open location near the top of my spine. Now excuse me, I have a miniature sun to make.

Side Note: Literally, no joke, at one point in the movie Doc Oc is talking to his arms like they were a person and they actually do suggest robbing a bank.

Samstag, November 6

If this election taught me anything it's that holding a concert for your political party is not only annoying, it also does not work.

The Cosby Show fucking bothers the hell out of me. If the title is the Cosby show, his goddamn name should be Cosby. Seinfeld, Drew Carey Show, fine and good. But calling it the Cosby Show and having Bill Cosby play Dr. Huxtable is fucking stupid and I hate it.

Crazy. Like, crazy.

Is this just a cop doing his job? Because personally I don't see what the threat is.

MORE PIZZA! MORE PIZZA! ha ha it is fun to be fat. MORE PIZZA!

Penis + llama = this.

Real Men of Genius
Today we salute you Mr Constant Collar Putter Upper. You bedecked in popped collar, teach us that we no longer have to live with a cold back of the neck. (my neck is chilly!) Sure your Pink alligator polo may look feminine to some but you preach a higher gospel. You preach of a world where it's okay for a man to go tanning. You ask "why can't we use shampoo with lavender essence?" (Where is my chapstick?) So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light Mr Abercrombie (or is it Fitch?) because we all know when we really need a piece of gum you might have one... in your man purse

Freitag, November 5

Squash isn't as simple as it appears, it's not like all those other black and white sports (which is good because I'm not sure if I could deal with blacks on the team.)

Right Guard Sport Power Caps is the only deoderant I'm willing to use because it's sponsored by Jim Breur and Randy Travis.

Every year I wonder what a tinsel-making machine looks like, and what it does in the summer.

If Jack helped you on a horse, would you help Jack off a horse?

Q: What does a beer bottle and a hockey stick have in common?
A: I forget the joke, but the punchline is 'your mother's a whore.'

Having a wife is essentially the same thing as having a pet dog. You hit it when it acts up, and after your first few run off you start tying them up in the backyard.

There is no screen for my window, and it also doesn't have those little blockers to stop it from going all the way up. Everytime I throw it all the way open, I always feel like I'm about to commit suicide.

Donnerstag, November 4

"This vagina needs a woman's touch."

This is a picture of my dad back in the day.

Dick move of the day:
Make sure your clock is one hour off from everyone else's.

I'm fucking sick and tired of going to the gym. I've resolved to just make everyone around me eat more.

Normally, food becomes more delicious the smaller it gets. Milanos are good, but mini-Milanos are fucking fantastic. I enjoy Chessmen, but I would punch my own mother in the face for a mini-Chessmen. I think this is because they still have the fantastic taste of their counterpoints, but also happen to be unbearably cute. The only thing to break this rule is sweet-tarts. The jumbo chewy sweet-tart far surpasses the original version, but for yet unbeknowst reasons.

People don't understand the voting process. It's very similar to betting on a horse at the race track; you see, you pick the one you think is going to win. This is why I voted Bush, and this is why I won.

Dienstag, November 2

Pussies don't like dicks because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes. Assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck a asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate. And it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves. Because pussies are an inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy crazy world, but I do know this. If you don't let us fuck this asshole we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit.

Montag, November 1

after spending the night out at a trendy club, drinking, socializing, and being 'cool' i came home to spend the rest of the night playing Final Fantasy XI drinking BAWLS till sunrise like a true winner... no one is the wiser to my second and probably more entertaining life of gaming, im like batman... ahh the 1if3.

"Christianity is a chalice of Biblical Bullcrap which draws gullible fools in through fear and promises of better things to come; and Jesus is a wizard who uses magic but cannot be termed a wizard since He's the son of God, and we should all just boycott Harry Potter instead."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Q: Why'd the girl have no friends?
A: Because she was in a wheelchair.

Stupid Laws

This is my squash coach, Bob Hawthorne:

He's 76 years old, hates the Jews and compares Racquetball players to the Taliban.

More enjoyable than the original song.

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