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Samstag, Mai 15

One last link before I go home for the summer guys. My computer at home is a shitbox, so I can't guarantee I'm gonna keep up the blogging. If you're sad about it and have my cell phone number, give me a call sometime and I'll yell at you personally. Anywho, catch you on the flip side, have a grand summer everybody.

You ever find yourself writing a paper on people who have been abducted, beaten, tortured, and raped, and you just can't help but think "well at least they didn't have to write a paper on it."

Freitag, Mai 14

You know, a lot of people have commented about how they wish they could respond to my blogs...


...you seem to forget that i don't give a shit about what you have to say.

Query: If you have an item of jewelry from a previous relationship, is it acceptable to reuse said jewelry in a current relationship?
Experts agree there are two perspectives to this matter:
1. Women are materialistic creatures, and therefore desire jewelry.
2. Women are jealous creatures, and therefore would feel threatened/upset about recieving an ex's jewelry.

Conclusion: They should shut up and do what we tell them to.

Don't go blaming your knowledge on some fruit you ate.
-Bright Eyes

Donnerstag, Mai 13

Hello, my name is Kristin. In case you have not guessed, I love horses, ponies, unicorns, pegasi; basically anything with four legs that whinnies. If you love horses, e-mail me at KristinSm20@hotmail.com. I would love to here from you!

As Extension Coordinator, Dr. Cunningham has responsibility for coordination and development of the Department of Poultry Science extension programs including all in-service training programs for county agents and Vo-Ag teachers as well as the youth (4-H and FFA) Poultry Science programs. In addition, Dr. Cunningham conducts extension programming activities in the areas of poultry economics, environmental management, zoning, animal welfare, and grower/integrator relations issues.

No I'm not in the army, I just have short hair.

Mittwoch, Mai 12

Q: What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
A: Nothing.

Have you ever heard a girl say "I'm going to marry insert good looking male actor or athlete." They do. When they look at Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom and Leonardo DiFaggio they imagine being with him, spending time with him, carrying his children, etc. Even though the attraction to him is purely sexual, they're already imagining tying him down in a bog of female activities and ensnaring him in the web of a 'relationship'. Men on the other hand never imagine their fantasies with Carmen Electra ever leaving the bedroom, and we don't imagine Jennifer Aniston talking at all during our fantasy 'relationships.' Maybe moaning or screaming, but that's about it.

The Shining never looked so cute.

As an 8 year old boy is crossing the street he is hit by a car and left to die. As a lady passes by she happens to see the little boy and runs up to him. When she gets there she yells out 'Oh my God, do you want me to call a priest?' the boy then says 'How could you think about sex at a time like this?

I think it's time I explained how to accidentally acquire a foot fetish. This story is based on real life events, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Daniel Cunningham and Ross Duplissis thought it would be funny to put a foot fetish picture as Michael Lacey's background on his laptop. They chose a picture of a woman with another woman's foot on her breast while she was sniffing the other one. They chose it purely on the comical value. However, over the course of a few days, Daniel and Ross noticed that the woman in the picture was very attractive and she seemed to really be getting turned on by sniffing feet. Eventually, the constant sexual arousal of the picture from the hot woman and her ginormous breasts became associated with the feet in the picture as well, and thus Ross and Daniel acquired an accidental foot fetish. You have to understand, this could happen to anybody and nobody should hold it against Daniel or Ross, but if anyone does have some nice feet that they would like to show them, give me a call and I will get you guys together.

Dienstag, Mai 11

Porno Plot idea: A good looking MILF in the year 2075 goes back in time to fool around with her own self when she was 20. I call it, "Clit from the Past."

For your information, I figured out a statistically sound way to run a roulette table. I would totally post it up here but I'm afraid one of my four or five readers might steal it.

Note: Girls you do not look good in trucker hats, so take off the Von Dutch hat you Von Bitch.

We call her thighs "horse thighs" because they've been ridden more than Seabiscuit.

I find my personality changing and adjusting to the people who I'm around. Around my friends from home, I'm energetic and wild, while with my stoner friends I'm chilled and relaxed, and when I'm around a cute guy I get a little bi-curious.

Montag, Mai 10

For all you creepy stalkers out there, just in case somebody somehow managed to slip through your grasp.

These guys are out to squash terrorism flat. Sumo soldiers next on Sick, Sad World.

I have a deep-seated phobia of Girl Scouts. Why must they forever taunt me with their cookies?

the only thing I definitely know that I learned in my history class is how to spell "britian"

Alright, confession time. This is hard for me to admit but here goes: I've never had an orgasm. I've been faking it for years. It's not that hard to fake it during sex, just a few quick thrusts followed with a grunt. Standard procedure, no biggie. It gets a lot harder to fake during the HJ/BJ situation though. I've perfected the art of saying "Hey look over there" and then quickly spraying them with some elmers glue, but the whole rigmarole is getting too old for me these days.

"I'd rather be homeless than Mexican."
-Ross

Sonntag, Mai 9

Reading is for dicks.

You know I was afraid that I was getting kind of fat, being that I weigh 170 lbs and all. But then I realized that if you subtract 20 lbs for my penis and about 5 pounds per ball, I really only weigh about 140 lbs, so I can deal with that.

Samstag, Mai 8

Aural Seckts.

"President Bush said yesterday that people who have skin that is 'a different color than white' are capable of self-government.

Bush made the comment during a Rose Garden news conference, while discussing his goal of more freedom in the Middle East.

'There's a lot of people in the world who don't believe that people whose skin color may not be the same as ours can be free and self-govern,' Bush said.

'I reject that. I reject that strongly. I believe that people who practice the Muslim faith can self-govern. I believe that people whose skins aren't necessarily -- are a different color than white can self-govern.'

You know, because Americans' skin color is white.

It's like a reformed Klan member trying to sound sensitive."

Yeah well Dracula called and he said he's coming for you and I said OK.

Freitag, Mai 7

A discussion of the continuum between pointlessness and offensiveness is incomplete without an illustration of the latter. The following joke is grossly offensive, although some find it funny.

Q: What's black and white and red all over, and can't turn around in a doorway?
A: A nun with a javelin through her head.

Many principles are violated in this example, including the sanctity of human life, and the special sanctity of people devoted to holy and abstinent lives, and the sanctity of women. These are violations similar to those in any number of jokes involving injury or death, whether of priestly, feminine, or human creatures, or otherwise. However, some additional components make this particular example somewhat different from others.
First, a person with a javelin through their head would hardly be concerned about their inability to turn around in doorways. The moral principle here is that people should be concerned with things that are important, and not bother about irrelevancies. A person with such an injury certainly has more important things on her mind than this particular inability. Using the inability to turn around in a doorway as the essential defining feature of a nun with a javelin through her head violates this principle of irrelevancies. Further, the thought of further injuries due to the attempt to turn around in a doorway violates further principles regarding the prevention of self-injury.

Are fish using our oceans as their own private toilet? Flounder feces and you next on Sick, Sad World.

Attention fuckers, I'm sick of hearing people tell me that because I blog 4-6 times a day that I have no life. I'll have you know that I'm getting a 3.85 at a well known college, working out 6 times a day, playing over 10 varsity sports, I have a wonderful girlfriend named Emily who's carrying my child and I've recently picked up a night job of stealing money from apartments over on Arthur Avenue to help raise money to buy Danny Jr. a crib. So I totally do have a very exciting and interesting life so back off.

Everybody always has these badass scars and shit, the cut on their arm from that time they went surfing or the broken leg from the 540 they pulled on their snowboard. I have a bump on my head, I fell down in the shower yesterday while dancing.

I began working out hardcore for a bit, and then I remembered my penis was not inadequate so I really didn't have anything to overcompensate for.

Hey hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled but....wait, what was the third thing you said?

"Commence the jigglin'!"

"Yahtzee!"
-Josef Stalin

I think if I was a sniper, my motto would be "One shot, one kill"
but I'm just plain old Dan with "I'm 6'1 and tons of fun."

I'm going to go have a hot pocket, oh that's right I'm sorry a "croissant pocket." I forgot how 'civilized' the microwavable pastry has become.

Don't you hate it when you feel totally fine but somebody comes up to you and says "Oh my God, you look AWFUL!" Then you have to play it off, "yeah I know I'm so sick and I didn't sleep and etc" when you actually thought you looked good today.

Donnerstag, Mai 6

I think if we all got together, signed a petition, had demonstrations, marched on Washington, we could get that 40 ounce upped to 60.

A cigarette? What do you think I am, French you jackass? I'm Italian, Irish and Spanish. I like to eat, drink and screw. In fact, those three traits are probably what got me concieved.

A good way to get a free punch on a younger sibling is to tell them that they have superman powers so that you can punch them and it won't hurt. When they start crying after you hit them, go like "Hey whaddya know, I got em too."

i like to eat paper. i can't stop. my mother told me to stop, but i told her, never!

"My sister has a multiple personality disorder. That's not funny. But yesterday she phoned me and my caller ID exploded."
Zach Galifinakis

Mittwoch, Mai 5

"It is fortunate for many leading personalities that they have not married: it would have been catastrophe... That is the worst thing about marriage- it creates rights and claims to one's attention! It is far better to have a mistress. The burden falls away and everything remains a gift. Naturally, that only goes for exceptional men... There is nothing finer than to be able to educate a young thing into one's own ways- a girl of eighteen or twenty is as malleable as wax. A man must be able to impress his stamp on each girl. And that is all that a woman wants too!"
-Adolf Hitler on the night of January 25, 1942

I'm deeply, deeply, deeply afraid that I have adult ADD. I'm really not even sure if

"Everytime I see someone wearing a superman shirt I just want to take a gun and shoot them in the chest and then when they bleed be like "Hmm, I guess you're not." Maybe you should wear a shirt that says 'Don't shoot me in the chest because I'll bleed,' then I wouldn't have done it."
-Dane Cook (paraphrased a bit)

David Blaine is our lord and savior. He didn't eat for 44 days for all of our sins! Christmas is going to be changed to Blainemas in recognition of our wonderful new God.

She may be a stripper, but keep your hands off her diaper! Tots with tits next on Sick, Sad World.

I hate you but I sure do love poptarts.

Dienstag, Mai 4

if life makes you scared and bitter
at least it's not for very long
-bad religion

Nobody cares about your 'girlies' at school or your 'boys' back home so could you all please stop 'representing' so much because I'm going to hurl.

I think grades are an excellent way of someone quanitfying what they think of you. I never did care what other people thought of me.

I feel sad for people who ride the bus or take cabs, I don't know why but they make me sad.

I also think all Mini Van driver's should be shot! Or at least learn that a Mini Van is NOT an SUV and looking out your windows and side view mirrors is a Must not a Choice.

'check your history roidbreath, when nixon was implementing his covert campaign to infect african americans with impetigo and ringworm, it was only the roosevelt imperative of 1945 which permitted full scrutiny by an impartial international council who determined that the entire scheme, linked to copper interests of a very young matt drudge (ring any bells, slimetwat?) and his cronies, was a fraudulent religious-right boondoggle to kill innocent animals for the benefit of multinational corporate thinktank deathsquads, so fuck you mudnipple'

Q: If you're going skateboarding, what's one thing you better not forget?
A: Your skateboard

Montag, Mai 3

Bonus: 3 jackass moves today
1. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE
2. only type in lower case
3 don't use any punctuation either

I hate pessimists. I also hate optimists. Here's an idea: be a realist. If something sucks, get pissed off. If somethings great, be happy about it. If you decide to completely generalize your life into one category, good for you; you're an idiot.

"I've been seeing an intimacy counselor to promote growth and togetherness in our relationship. It was just easier to schedule if I went alone."

Why are so many Siamese twins being born in this Bangkok hospital? Babes in Thailand, tonight on Sick, Sad World

You ever see those clocks with all the numbers jumbled on the bottom and the words "Who Cares?" scrawled across the clock face? That is not funny or clever. If you own the clock you obviously do care about the time, so don't try and fake it loser.

When I die, I want to be cremated and then sprinkled in the food of someone I don't like when they're not looking.

"We're up here. I've never been up here before. I don't know how we got here. I don't know what to do here. I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing. From here, all the rest is just gravy."

My uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Sonntag, Mai 2

I'm friends with a quiet guy named Ross
He brushes his teeth but doesn't floss
He listens to punk, but dresses to another beat
He's emo from his head all the way to his feet
Roosssssssss, Roosssssssssss
The things you do, you are unique like a fucking emu
I wonder if you lived in a cave, if you'd still like 80's new wave?

His face is hidden because his hair is so long
I wonder if he'll laugh when I sing this song
In the morning he always has bad gas
He falls out of bed and breaks his ass
Roosssssss, Roossssssssssss
The things you do, you are unique like a fucking emu
I wonder if you lived in a cave, if you'd still like 80's new wave?

You are my amigo, that's for sure
Your laughter is my 100 percent cure
When you cuff pants and wear your Chucks
It makes me realize, why should I give a fuck?
Roosssssss, Rossssssss
The things you do, you are unique like a fucking emu
I wonder if you lived in a cave, if you'd still like 80's new wave?

I've been thinking about cutting eveyone who has never read my blog off my buddy list. Which means if you're reading this, you have nothing to worry about.

"Dan, let me tell you about fetishes."
-My literature teacher

dick move of the day:
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

you're going to think this is so shallow, but what was your name again?

OK OK, time out here. There's something I need to say, ya know. Ever since my son was... never conceived because I never had consensual sex without money involved, I always sorta looked at you as, well, kind of a thing that I could ya know, live next to, in accordance with state laws.

Samstag, Mai 1

Yo. Mars was in town last week. Yeah, he just swung by on his way to Jupiter. Looked good. Put on a little weight. Not too much, just a little. He was sorry he missed you. So, uh... Are you going to be able to come up with that money you owe him? He looked kinda... Redder than usual.

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word ' definitely ' in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, 'Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?'

The Teacher says, 'Of course not Johnny,'

To which Johnny replies, 'Then I have definitely shit my pants'.

Redefining the term amusement park ride.

"What they couldn't imagine was that she had murdered her husband, carefully drained his blood and flushed it down the toilet, washed him clean and begun to rectify and improve his physique. First she decapitated the corpse and replaced his head with the drained head of a second victim. She then replaced his genitals with the genitals of her third victim and his feet with the feet of her fourth. It was when she invited a neighbor to see this perfect man that suspicions had been aroused."

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