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Freitag, April 30

Can I get a Whiteness?!?

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale.

Isn't it weird that when you're having sex the longer it is the better it is, but on the other hand the shorter the masturbation time the better it is? Like, a guy will come bragging "I just had sex for an hour and a half!" or "I just masturbated in five minutes!" Masturbation is an art that is perfected and honed, like a combat skill. It goes along with the American mentality that everything has to be instantaneous because we don't have a second to spare. Commercials are fractions of a second and barely register on our conscious mind, and in reality the goal of every man is to someday eventually be able to begin and finish masturbating for just one hot commercial.

Donnerstag, April 29

jerk move of the day:
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

He's wearing a swastika.... on his safety helmet! Down-Syndrome Nazi's next on Sick, Sad World.

"As much as I despise feminism, I think my #1 enemy is the Hot Topic Freak. The Hot Topic Freak is easy to spot, with its hair being a color that is clearly not natural, the baggy UFO pants and the Slipknot hoody over the mass-produced "You Are All Sheep" shirt, which is worn without the slightest hint of irony. Their weblogs tend to be similar to those of the Emo Kids, but there are subtle differences. While both groups exist solely to make my brain implode, the Emo Kids lean more towards depression, whereas the Hot Topic Freak is filled with "rage", aka bullshit. Should you come across a Hot Topic Freak, fear not. However sinister they might appear, the vast majority are white suburbanites, and therefore kinda faggy."
-Stolen from Luke's away message

Mittwoch, April 28

What a lovely family photograph, it looks like a Christmas card!

He slams the door he stomps his feet, sends me to bed with zilch to eat,
but my step dad's not mean he's just adjusting.
His temper's bad and he's a slob, he's bitter cause he lost his job,
but my step dad's not mean he's just adjusting.
So three cheers for the man that I proudly call Stan, he's not quite a Dad or a brother.
Yes he gets cross but still he's the boss, and besides he takes care of my mother.
So be patient with new friends like Stan, it's tough to be Mom's second man,
but your step dad's not mean he's just adjusting

So remember kids, a step dad is a lot like a new puppy. They need patience and love while they adjust to their new surroundings, but remember if he is ever abusive to you or your mother, what are the magic numbers? 911.
-Death to Smoochy

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse go into outer space?
A: To find Pluto.

"The music that I enjoy happens to be horribly shitty."
-Kris Cerveny

Romeo and Juliet only worked because they killed each themselves off so early in the relationship. Had their families not attempted to break them apart, they would have eventually broken up. You know, Romeo comes home drunk one night and Juliet's all like "so who's balcony were you singing at tonight jackass?" and he's all like "well I'm sorry but you take a goddamn hour to finish a sentence, not everything has to be a poem" and she's all like "why don't we ever play under the sheets anymore?" and finally Romeo realizes he's gay and him and Mercutio run off to live in sin and Juliet marries for money and hides in her huge penthouse and spends her free time tanning.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
-From Rob Miga's away message

Dienstag, April 27

Update which will probably not affect anyone at all:
The random pic of the day is no longer updated, making it just a link to the same picture every time.
Also, Jesus was Jewish. Isn't that weird?

G.I. Joe looks like Barbie when compared to Sigmund Freud, who just so happens to be the ultimate action figure.

Me get crazy when me no have cigarette. Me try to quit but me find it hard. Me love refreshing taste.

Answer: OK, Final Offer! 500 Bucks to do a couple of jumping jacks and I don't even have to be in the room... just phone me & tell me when you do em!

Question: Things Mike Lacey has said in the last 24 hours.

today's tip on being a dick:
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

My nickname is Teens
It is shorter than Kristine
I love the name Teens

Kids are starving in China and you're walking around with a sombrero full of peanuts.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.

In an effort to make the blog more interactive, I've decided to set up a little game for you and me. I'm thinking of a number, and you have to guess if it's even or odd. Ready? Ok, guess. Well the number was 71, so email me at MyNameIsDan@fordham.edu with your answer and your mailing address, and if you are correct I will mail you your prize. Fun, right?

Montag, April 26

We all know what goes on in prison. Besides the massive amount of body-lifting and the excellent arts and crafts programs, there is some disturbing group showers. Ed Norton, you know what I'm talking about. OK, I may be the only one who thinks like this, but it totally boggles my mind. If I was in jail and Bubba tried to slip me his mountain of meat, I'd shit my pants. Literally. I would go #2 right then and there. It's not only a natural reaction but a perfect defense. I can't believe no one has ever thought of this before.

If a black man Bubba wants to dance,
Don't forget to shit your pants.

On this mountain love really does blow...lava, that is! Valentines on Vesuvius next on Sick, Sad World.

As I was going up the stair...I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today...I wish, I wish he'd go away.

you are so stupid you walked into an antique store and said 'whats new'

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Fish

[inside joke]
hahahahaha

"Some music I just cant stand...ya know...like the Michael Bolton, Kenny G, Yanni, John Tesh...the four horse men of queer...I cant take them...they are too sensitive...I listened to their music...I got my period...I dont know how it happened everyone...I was bloated and moody...laying on the couch eating Yoplait...waiting for the Gilmore Girls to come on."
-Dave Attel

Sonntag, April 25

Locations in order from best to worst:

Australia
California
Suffolk County
Alaska
Nassau County
Canada
An alley behind a pornography theatre
France
Dante's Inferno
Any place in Africa
Kansas
New Jersey
Satan Island

Samstag, April 24

how to be a jerk:
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Sometimes mothers ask the stupidest, most inane questions. I remember one time I was home my mother randomly asks 'What's your favorite letter?' First off, it was like 4pm in the afternoon so I was pretty drunk. So I slur back at her, 'favorrrite letterrr?' I then look directly at my sister Elizabeth and say 'My favorrrite letterr is the letterr I.' She ran away crying because she totally knew that I was making fun of her lazy eye. That was like 3 or 4 years and she still tells me that was her worst birthday ever.

Freitag, April 23

What's that you're really stirring in your tea? Honey, or bee vomit? Animal secretions that make us say yum, tonight, on Sick, Sad World

It's not that I hold grudges. I just so happen to be friends with people I like. If I don't like you, for whatever reason, I'm not going to be friends with you. That's it and that's all.

Anorexic people? Personally, I love the sons of bitches. I guess it's cause I know if push ever came to shove, I can just about guarantee I could whoop their ass.

Donnerstag, April 22

"You can't spell Dumb without DMB."
-Ross

I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong. After I crapped out a few of those marbles I swallowed though, I felt a lot better about things.

There's a couple of songs that whenever I hear it, I just feel such a tremendous urge to drink. Songs like Reel Big Fish-Beer, Mighty Mighty Bosstones-Another Drinkin' Song, The Birthday Song, Billy Joel-Piano Man, The 12 Days of Christmas, any kind of elevator music, large trucks backing up, oh and any of the N'Sync underground stuff.

Yeah, right, mazurkatestes... trot out your old conspiracy theories when everyone knows by now that the Kennedy's had already sacked the national trust for blood money with which to silence the gangsters they hired to kill general westmoreland because he knew about their sex orgies with Dorothy Provine and Anna Maria Alberghetti while Luxembourg fell to the Russians under their coke-encrusted noses but the whole thing collapsed because a certain Bill Moyers - apologist for the weather underground and the baader-meinhof gang - had advised them it would be "politically incorrect" to intervene you whorescab

I went out in my squash warm-up last night, got piss ass drunk, and woke up wearing a Yale crew warm-up suit.

I body build for competitions and wear kilts on the side. Sometimes I wonder if this is a bit metrosexual?

Sometimes I make myself look smart by carrying a New York Times under my arm, when really I usually don't read it and just throw it away later.

Mittwoch, April 21

Alright so here's my latest scheme to beat the system. You know how on really huge tests, often you're allowed to have some scrap paper or notes or something? Well for the last few months I've been learning braille in preparation for upcoming finals. I'm going to inscribe braille answers and info on my scrap paper. If they give you paper there, you can easily swap the braille paper, and if you can bring notes you just write shit on the paper before you do the braille. No one will notice the bumps on the paper without actually touching it, and last time I checked it's not standard issue to check for braille. After the test, smooth the bumps out, crumple the paper up and throw it away. Straight A's here I come! Damn the man, save the empire!

and the jackass move of the day is:
Name your dog "Dog."

I would like to have 'Ripple' by the Grateful Dead played at my funeral. Seriously.

Is your toll collector wearing pants, a skirt, or nothing but a smile? Cold Breeze on the Interstate, next on Sick, Sad World.

Contrary to popular belief, Hanson is not dead. They're back and better than ever.

Remember, beat your kids not your wife.

Dienstag, April 20

Johnny Depp: Most badass white man on the planet
Samuel L. Jackson: Most badass black man on the planet

Fact: Samuel L. Jackson would stare at Johnny Depp until he cried and his make-up ran down his face, and then Sam L. would backhand the shit out of him while still keeping his suit totally clean. Johnny Depp would go home and tell his mom that he won the fight, and Sammy wouldn't even mention it to anybody because he's too badass to even care.

The greyhound's rocking out tonight
To maximum rockabilly
When two punks chose to risk the subway
For a tube to Picadilly
The Zephrys stir fast gangs for glory
Another dumb casualty
Having fun
In South West six
Hidden flick knife flicks
Kiss me, deadly, tonight

jerk move of the day:
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

The 11th commandment according to the Vegan: "Thou shall not waste."
But apparently God smiles upon making bus boys spill water all over the table because you don't want your friends to have water.

I LET THE DOGS OUT
ME, ME ME ME
I LET THE DOGS OUT

It's just like my dad said... "eventually everyone has to get shot!"

This is honestly one of the coolest things I've seen in awhile, so tell me what you think of Stairway to Heaven after you try this link out.
My advice: listen to it fowards, then listen to it backwards, then listen to it backwards once more with the lyrics shown. You'll see what I mean.

Can renegade surgeons transplant your brain while you sleep? Nocturnal neurology next on Sick, Sad World.

"George Bush was born on third base and decided that he'd had hit a triple."

What's the difference between a duck ?
One of it's legs are both the same.

The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination, but the combination is locked up in the safe. And you try to remember the combo, but you're way too hungover and your roommates eating chinese food and it's making you naseous and you have a huge presentation in the morning and what the hell is that rash on your groin anyw-AH FUCK IT I'LL JUST BREAK THE DAMN THING OPEN.

Finally it's hot out again. It's so hard to be skanky in cold weather.

Montag, April 19

randomly, sitting at my kitchen table over the summer, me and my friend Pete Clock are sitting in silence, having a snack and just relaxing and chilling until he blurts out:
"You know Dan, you have a big head. It's not so bad now, but when you were younger it was way too big for you. You've grown into it."

Final Destination 2 is officially the worst name ever for a movie. If you just said in your head 'why' then don't ever ever consider spawning young.

Feminism- I just don't get it. They're all so uppity because they've been oppressed throughout history or some shit, and I'm to blame because I have a penis? C'mon, I'm sorry that your mothers mothers mother had to spend all day at home cooking in the kitchen and raising the kids, but seriously shut the hell up. You complain more than the black folk, and they actually were enslaved. Not metaphorically or symbollically, they were pieces of property that were bought and sold, and they don't bitch nearly as much as you do. And this whole notion of 'pride' has gotten way out of hand. Having pride no longer means that you're meaningfully representing your people, it means you have to make everyone else feel like shit cause you are better than them. I carry a gun on me at all times. It's in case I ever hear someone shout "BLACK FEMALE HOMOSEXUAL PRIDE" I can blow my f'in brains out.

how to be a jackass today:
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Fordham's motto: Look good, perform poorly. Sure, you may not have internet in the classrooms, but you'll have roses outside your window!

"I wish I didn't have penis erectile difficulties."
-Ross Duplisses

Sonntag, April 18

A guy calls the hospital. He says, 'You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!'
The nurse says, 'Calm down. Is this her first child?'
He says, 'No! This is her husband!'

"Jake Morgendorffer, that is one beautiful pie chart. Oh damn, the zombies are coming over the hill! Bam, bam, bam! Exploding frog cartoon? Gotta see that! Good lord, the Nikkei is dropping! Quick, move out of Yen! Something's happening on the panda cam? I am wearing a polo shirt and khakis, why do you ask?"

How shoddy fertility drugs are creating a new breed of gang, and wreaking havoc with police line ups. Delinquent Quintuplets, next on Sick, Sad World.

"Dogs are permanently in the push-up position. Yes, I am aware that joke is stupid."
-Mitch Hedburg

I'm not the kind of guy who's going to give girls flowers or jewelry or orgasms, I'm more the kind of guy who will give them headaches, debts, and STD's.

Stephen Lynch - Kill a Kitten
When the game of like makes you feel like quittin'
it helps a lot if you kill a kitten.

Mark my words 'cause from where I'm sittin'
you can't go wrong if you kill a kitten.

There's no crime that you'd be committin.'
I know the law -- you can kill a kitten.

And if you need yarn for that scarf you're knittin' you'll get plenty
when you kill a kitten.

Feed it turpentine or break its spine.
Crush it with your shoe as long as you kill a kitten.

If the one you love isn't quite as smitten,
she'll like you better if you kill a kitten.

And I'll quote the bible 'cause that's where it's written,
if ye loveth Jesus ye must kill a kitten.

Samstag, April 17

Sometimes I wonder about you Dan.

Freitag, April 16

Here's a recent survey that a friend of mine sent me that I wanted everyone to read because then they would know things about me that normally I would be too embarrassed to share with them but I still egotistically wish for everyone to not only know, but desire to know more about me.

1. What's the gayest part of taking an online survey?
Umm, I'd have to say putting it in your online journal.

The worst thing about Hitler is that he ruined the term "Master Plan" for everyone else. No cell phone company can ever call their plan the "Master Plan" because every tight ass Jew would be all up in their shit about it.

Q: What did Britney Spears say to Eminem?
A: Let's make shitty music.

annoying tip of the day:
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

"Wait a second... is that from the 83 tour? Yeahhh, I saw those guys in the meadowlands with Bryan Adams, that was a kick ass show! I totally copped this feel off this passed out broad while they were playing 'Urgent.' Everytime I hear Urgent on the radio I think of that girls boobs... covered in vomit."

today's goal: trick somebody into believing I got a fortune cookie that said "anal sex is wild and don't cause no child."

I write 'Dan is God' on all the bills I have. My goal is to someday create a world in which every monetary bill you recieve, you have a 50-50 chance of it telling your that 'Dan is God.' If you would like to aid my cause, feel free to write my message on any of your bills. Your contribution will be appreciated and not go unnoticed.

If I am out to dinner with you and I tell you to look at something or someone and when you turn your head whatver I pointed out is not there, I definately just stole one of your chicken nuggets.

I understand that Jay-Z is big pimping, but I have no idea what the hell he is spelling.

Donnerstag, April 15

Dude I don't know if it's the tuna, but I think I love her.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

annoying tip of the day:
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

Yeah so last night it was a friends of mine birthday, so we take her out to the bar and notwhat. Drinking, partying, feeling good. Then this jackass at the bar comes up to me, going on and on about my mother. He was obviously piss ass drunk, and I'm all like "C'mon we're just trying to show my friend here a good time" and he's all like "your mother and I have sex all the damn time, I hit that shit hard you fucker" so finally I had enough of this bullshit and I told him "alright Dad that's it, I'm taking you home."

Chickens who are into scat? The foulest of the fowl next on Sick, Sad World.

Mittwoch, April 14

God is indeed one of us. He is a slob like one us. He just so happens to be a stranger on the bus, and the other day I caught him rubbing up against a little boy on it. F'in perv.

"What if a man has no penis, but has three balls and one of him lights up and plays a tune?"
-Dave Attel

you were young, you're free
why won't you sleep with me?

"Among the significant tax changes are these:
Taxpayers filing the standard Form 1040 will no longer be required to calculate line 43(b), Adjusted Gross Prehensile Net Income, which the Irs recently acknowledged was, quote, "a prank."
To help stimulate the economy, the Imaginary Child Tax Credit has been increased to elevteen jillion willion dollars.
Taxpayers who report income derived from eating sheep eyeballs on the TV show Fear Factor will be deported, as specified in the National Gene Pool Recovery Act.
Taxpayers who do not itemize their deductions may now file their tax returns via Etch-A-Sketch."

-Dave Barry

I pretend to have this amazing social life, but really I spend most of my time sitting in my room staring at my wall.

I have decided that my new nickname shall be 'D-Train' and my new motto is 'Don't be on the tracks when the trains a-comin.'

I think I look better with makeup but I don't wear it because I don't want to look like I'm trying to be pretty. I want to be accidentally pretty.

Dienstag, April 13

Hey guys, I know I hadn't blogged for a couple of days. If I ever go awol like that, chances are I'm off having wayyyy too much sex to take time to blog, so next time don't worry so much.

Meatloaf, you say you'd do anything for love, but you won't do that! If you could do anything, what can't you do? WHAT CAN'T YOU DO MEATLOAF? WHAT CAN'T YOU DO FOR LOVE?

I really love kids. For me, nothing beats the look in a kid's eyes when you take him out of your trunk.

shut up and sleep with me

Did I ever tell you about the time I was engaged to be married? This little dilly I'd known my whole life, me and her were perfect together. She Ebert and I was Siskel. No seriously, she was humongous. She would take off her shirt, nine stomachs would roll out. She'd say she had a stomach ache and I'd be like "which one, 3 or 6?" But yeah, things didn't work out, but everytime I eat more than 1000 calories in a single sitting it always reminds me of her.

Annoying tip of the day:
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

What's more heartless than pilfering a roll of toilet paper? Transforming it into a roll of twenties! The squeezably-soft counterfeiter, next on Sick, Sad World.

The phrase "I'm not gonna lie" is a retarded statement. Thanks for the heads up chump, does that mean everything else you say without such a pre-text is a lie? Or how about something that's so extreme that "it's not even funny?" Chances are it wouldn't have been funny anyway, so save your breath. And yes, I understand I've also been guilty of using superfluous stupid phrases myself, but I think if as a whole we all try and weeed them out, everyone would benefit.

Everybody give it up for Australia: The only continent to entirely wake up with a hangover.

I think TVs are evil. I hate them and I think they should be banned. Instead, we should all run through the streets naked.

The thought of no one being able to tape mass nakedness and watch it later is somewhat sad, however.

Donnerstag, April 8

annoying tip of the day:
repeat everything someone says, as a question

Mittwoch, April 7

To be sure that you will be safe in case of a bear attack, you need only be sure that you're as fast as you're slowest friend.

Homosexuality is a disease that, while not as visible as smallpox, is just as deadly and contagious.

"Everybody hates me."
"And why do you suppose that is?"
"Because I'm the son of the devil?"
"Uh-huh. That's a good start, what else?"

If for whatever reason I become unspeakably filthy rich, which I don't see happening but shut the fuck up this is my fantasy, in my house or mansion or whatever I will have a 'break stuff' room. It will be filled with glass and ceramics and breakable shit, and if I am ever having a bad day I'll just go in and start throwing and smashing shit. Never clean it up neither, just walk straight out until I need to break more crap. Oh man, I'm getting so pumped thinking about my break shit room that I might just punch this laptop screen in right now.

I sneak out at night to go to my friends house and smoke weed. I have a car and could drive but I walk instead, because I like to kick the dandylions on the way back when I'm high.

Dienstag, April 6

I used to enjoy it when dog's humped my leg, but now it's just kind of awkward.

If I am gay, I'll punch myself straight.

Why do bands that don't drink at all gotta go and sing about drinking? Sing about your own shit, not ours. You don't hear us singing about being a bunch of f'in faggots.

annoying tip of the day:
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Sometimes at night when she couldn't go to sleep, Mrs. Turpin would occupy herself with the question of who she would have chosen to be if she couldn't have been herself. If Jesus had said to her before he made her, "There's only two places available for you. You can either be a nigger or white-trash," what would she have said? "Please Jesus, please," she would have said, "just let me wait until there's another place available," and he would have said, "No, you have to go right now and I have only those two places so make up your mind." She would have wiggled and squirmed and begged and pleaded but it would have been no use and finally she would have said, "All right, make me a nigger then- but that doesn't mean a trashy one." And he would have made her a neat clean respectable Negro woman, herself but blacker.

Montag, April 5

"No Frylock, the Highlander was a documentary, and the events happened in real time."

Well c'mon, we all know the erotic effects of rodentia in the rectum, but who would try it without a leash? That's just crazy.

- "I committed beastiality!"
- "No you didn't! You didn't know she was an ape when you had sex with her."
- "But I had sex with a dog too!"

I can't stand the captain of my cheerleading squad. And she can't dance. Makes me want to drop her off the top of the pyramid.

original porno title:
Groped by an Angel.

"'Carrying an amputated animal foot for good luck is far-fetched. Celestial middle-managers changing the course of human events is ludicrous.'"

Meet the fly-fishing pathologist who uses human organs as bait. A Liver Runs Through it, next on Sick, Sad World.

Hey everyone, this is the newest blog installment: Random Ways To Annoy People
Every day a new annoying tip for your personal pleasure!

How to be annoying today:
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

I often speak in German online with other people. The truth is that I don't know a sinlge word of German, I use an online translator. I do it for the thrill, I feel like I'm leading a double life.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Sonntag, April 4

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
-Jack Handey

And it breaks my heart to see you alone. Grandma, let's elope.

Samstag, April 3

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Can you believe what people do in the church these days?
I was in the church listening to the priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.
I was so amazed that i didn't notice when the bottle of beer i was holding fell on the floor.

With signs of our fuel resources rapidly depleting and no answer in sight, I decided to take a crack at the problem. You know all those crazy health nuts who run on treadmills across America? There's a couple of them, you might have seen one. Those treadmills are electric, which means they use energy. And then the people run on them, which means they're losing energy too. So we're using energy to use energy? That seems a little retarded folks. I think the government, federal or state, should begin a program to put human sized mouse wheels in gyms for people to run on, and have them hooked up to generators. True, one person running would produce a nearly insignificant amount of energy, but if this program became popular enough we could acquire a significant amount of energy. I'm just trying to help out here.

You think you're a loser? i can kick ass in solitaire, spider solitaire, hearts, freecell, minesweeper, and pinball. I'm not proud.

i cried the other night when i had no drugs to do
i felt very pathetic

I'm a damn fool, as are you.

kill the poor

Freitag, April 2

everytime i stay at a hotel i steal the bibles and i take em home and burn them for bonfire parties. praise jesus!

When these ballerinas work out at the bar, they work out at the bar. Tanked in a Tutu, when Sick, Sad World returns.

quick tip: the smaller her hands, the bigger your penis seems. remember boys, it's all relative

i've been recieving complaints that this blog is mainly geared for male enjoyment, so i'd like to thank all of the women who provided negative feedback and i hope your periods end soon

go to google, type in "why are canadians so stupid" and hit the i'm feeling lucky button.

Some people look down on pornography, and I say to them "Hey state of Utah! What a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget and a donkey do behind closed doors is their own business!"
-Dave Attel

lots of people make absolute claims which are totally false because they don't understand themselves until they've been pushed to the limits.
example- ask anyone if they would ever, under any circumstances, have sex with their father. they will undoubtedly say never.
then ask them if they would have sex with their father if you had a gun to the head of every single member of their family and every single one of their friends heads, and told them that if they don't have sex with their father you're going to shoot every single one of them

yeah that's what i thought, you little sicko

by popular request:
a hand jobs a mans job, a blow job is your job

Am I the only one who thinks it would be funny to pretend to chase a girl with a hanger past the abortion protesters?

Donnerstag, April 1

hey, do you remember that time I was giving that busload of nursery school kids a tour of my dorm at fordham, and I had just gotten out of the shower, and then my towel fell down, but I was still erect from my morning wood, and I hit that little boy right in the eye with my dong? yeah, I saw him the other day, he's still wearing an eye patch.

I'm not smart anymore. I realize that when I was younger, I totally was smart. But the brain is a muscle, and through laziness and idleness mine has completely atrophied. When I try in school, I still can't get the work, I have nothing original or witty to say, I just repeat and use other people's jokes. I am a complete and utter sack. At least I'm not black.

anal sex is wild and it don't cause no child

if sucking bill gates dick for a million bucks makes you gay, sign me up

hi-c fruit punch rocks my ass

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches to high.
-Adrienne Gusoff

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