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Mittwoch, März 31

I don't know why this would have ever been made

"Sometimes when I'm alone listening to music in my room I imagine my self in a movie I made up, and usually in the movie im a badass who kills people and fucks hot chicks, i wonder if that's normal."

I am sexually attracted to Kelly Osbourne.

Are drug-crazed rodents raiding your child's medicine cabinet? Rats on Ritalin, next on Sick, Sad World

Since there are only four bathroom stalls in our bathroom, I'm trying to organize an operation for me and 3 other people to sit in on them and occupy them for a couple of hours. If you really need to go to the bathroom and hear somebody playing gameboy and luaghing behind the stall door, I'm sorry.

Dienstag, März 30

hello. i wanted to go to a sex club tonight but my best friend didn't want to go with me. so i didn't go. instead i stayed home and ate her corndogs.
i think that is all.

me and my dad have never had that great of a relationship since I proved to him that my penis was bigger than his.

"i'm afraid of penises"

I can only enjoy pornography involving the spanking and punishment of women only if the females had indeed been naughty and deserving of said punishment. Otherwise, it is just plain ridiculous. More often than not though, they do deserve it. Don't you, you little filthy whore you.... Whoops, uh, I um think I need to go pray.

What happened was that, all unconscious of what this ennui meant, I wearied of the motion, wearied of the joyless seas of alcohol, wearied of the blunt, bluff, hearty, and totally meaningless friendships, wearied of wandering through the forests of desperate women, wearied of the work, which fed me only in the most brutally literal sense. Perhaps, as we say in America, I wanted to find myself.

Montag, März 29

"Nobody can stay in the garden of Eden. I wonder why."

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Garbage gets dumped
And so are you

I've been collecting pubic hairs off of public toilet seats for years. I almost have enough to finally make my own pubic bean bag.
I just know that thing is going to be comfortable.

Hey guess what. If you and your group of friends has a name for yourselves, you fucking suck. No ifs ands or butts. It's great that you have your clique that you hang out with, I know I have mine, but there is no need to give ourselves some stupid title to identify ourselves. I don't care what the name is; CPG, The 3, Fab Five, whatever the fuck it is, it's stupid. It's pretentious and elitist. I have no issue if you want to segregate yourself from me, that's just fine, but when you egotistically try to appear socially dominant because your members can call each other by titles, that goddamn retarded. Hitler's group was called the Nazi's, the South had the KKK, and now you have one of your own. Good for you asshole. On a side note, gonna give a shout out to Third Floor North, represent motherfucker!

It'll legal, and tender, but someone's getting short changed. Little cross-dressers and the women who love them, coming up next on Sick, Sad World

lately i've been considering coming out of the closet

Sonntag, März 28

Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that.

She's hideous! She's got a face that would scatter a leper colony. You gotta look at her through a box with a little hole in it.

Me and my friends used to be real pranksters back in high school. Our favorite joke was to beat the shit out of kids we didn't like. That joke never got old.

"What's this tetris thing he's talking about?"
"It's a video game."
"Oh, I thought he just spelled tennis wrong."

The bisexual opens up their window and finds potential as far as the eye can see, for a bisexual reaches down the front of someone's pants and is pleased with whatever they may find.

Samstag, März 27

Remember, a drunken no always means yes.

Freitag, März 26

I have trouble peeing in public places, especially if it's at work and someone I know is in the next stall listening.

I have discovered that if I imagine the superman logo and say superman to myself over and over, that will start the flow.

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: Michael Jackson after one of his sleep overs.

I farted 17 times today. 6 were stinky.

I just thought of something hilarious that I am not going to put in here. I'm sorry.

Meet the cannibal with heart; quick, before he eats it! Next, on Sick, Sad World.

Q: What did the racist sprinkler say?
A: chink-chink-chink-spic-spic-spic-nigga-nigga-nigga

I put the dan in 'damnyourpenisishuge'

life isn't about having material possesions, it's about taking material possesions when others aren't looking

they are the moron brothers
don't get along with others
they are the moron brothers
don't get along with others
they won't go down in history
but they'll go down on your sister

A few reasons why TRL sucks ass:

-birthplace of Carson Daily (spelled wrong on purpose)
-no matter how hot a female is on the show, she will for some godforsaken reason attempt to sing making you wish you just compromised and watched scrambled porn again
-all black videos are the same
-the whole concept of the show is to show the videos that people want to see, yet they have TRL 'wannabes' which are shots of videos that apparently not many people want to see, and then they don't even show the full #1 video, although apparently it is the video that all the teenage girls wanted to watch the most
-half the show is idiotic fans screaming their heads off for absoulutely no reason other than that they are on tv


this entire rant was based off of me watching trl the other day by accident for the first time in years, so don't even start

You ever say something to someone about how you're having a shitty day, or how something crappy happened, and they go "Well if it makes you feel any better, [insert something awful that happened to them.]" Like, wtf. I'm trying to vent here, and you're getting all pumped up to play the pain game. Good for you retard, I hope you are dying. If someone is complaining, either their complaints are grounded or they're not. If someone is validly complaining, all they want is a listening ear and possibly some sympathy, not knowledge of why you're just as bad off or worse than they. And if the complaints are unreasonable, tell them to pull up their diapers and shut the fuck up.

Donnerstag, März 25

"when it comes to native American nickname teams
even within the contents of sports it's awful and mean

and I will say hey wait remind me again how it came to be
that being a stupid American is a desirable trait
wouldn't it be offensive if we cheered
'rah rah rah for the Carolina negros with a beat box cheer and a big foam afro'
the Minnesota Vikings became the New York kikes with dollar bills on their helmets
cause that's what they're like ya know"

you don't have to find something you're good at, you just have to find something in which everyone else is worse than you.

"So I'm cleaning shit up in my room and I find a cockroach in the garbage. Then I flushed him down the toilet, and I am worried that when I sit down to do my business one of these days he will return to wreak his revenge."

I don't cry- I work out

haha just kidding, I totally cry

Your Mother

She's a big fat slob
somebody call the mob
They need to lynch her
they need to lynch her

she's really humongous
and she's got some fungus
we've got to lynch her
we've got to lynch her

gather the clan
and we'll have a good time
we'll turn her in
to an Alabama windchyme
no place to run
no place to hide
there's no food here
I just lied


I used to spend a good amount of time with this really nice girl my age a few years ago. She had this really annoying habit of talking about the gym and her workout every time I spoke with her. The thing that made it so annoying was that she was chubby--and not just a little.I finally got fed up one night and blurted out, 'Do you really work out when you are at the gym?' She got all sniffly and self-righteous and said she was there every day. To make it worse, I then asked her, 'Do they serve ice cream at your gym?'

When I was 12, I was standing at a drinking fountain and then a special ed kid (retard) comes up and starts drinking next to me. I say 'hey'... and then he responds by spitting water all over me. I got pissed and hacked a huge wad of spit at him and locked him in the bathroom. I feel no guilt.

what do you call a man who's lost 50% of his free time?
in love
what do you call a man who's lost 50% of his posessions?
divorced

"I bought an ant farm. Them fuckers didn't grow shit."

Q: What do you call a dead baby with an axe through it's skull?
A: I don't know either, but it sure gives me an erection.

Mittwoch, März 24

It's weird. Like, the only reason your decisions have any importance is all because of time. Think about it, as soon as you are born, you are going to die. Your time to live is finite. Thus, any and all decisions you make are also finite. You have a set amount of time to do everything you are every going to do. Because your actions are finite, they have meaning. If one was immortal, you'd have unlimited actions. Therefore, nothing you would do would matter right? Because, I dunno, everything you do can be undone or further done or left alone whenever you want. Nothing would ever have to be permanent, I guess? The fact that we have a limited capacity to affect the world is the reason that anything counts; whether or not we accomplish our full potential. An unlimited amount of decisions would have unlimited potential, and that would leave nothing to reach. But then again, just because you don't have a goal, does that mean you can't have a journey? I don't know, maybe I'm just drunk.

They're crossing the lines between nookie and cookie. Peppridge farm prostitutes next on sick, sad world.

Dienstag, März 23

Why you should never shower ever again.

The show Friends has had a long standing run on the sitcom world, but I think most can agree it is winding down as of late. I personally feel that it should end asap, and since I can never sit aside with something left undone I have decided to write the final episode of Friends. Ahem.

Phoebe attempts an airborne concert, going skydiving with a guitar and sadly forgets a parachute.
Ross stays up late one night thinking about dinosaurs and lost loves, falls foward onto a candle which ignites his gel-filled hair and he burns alive.
Rachel has a brain anureism while thinking too hard about an article she read in cosmo about 'palindromes.'
Chandler OD's on heroin and dies with an amusing anecdote on his fat bloated lips.
Monica attempts to fully cleanse her body with an extremely hazardous and toxic material, her skeleton is found inside the shower.
Joey chokes on a ham sandwhich while recieving a blowjob.

The final scene is a shot of central perk, which has accumulated gross amounts of debt to the mafia, and a drive-by shooting to punish the cafe shoots gunther dead.

-Friends RIP-

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Q: Why are Arkansas boys so confused?
A: Because every night their uncles keep asking, “Who’s your daddy?”

Freddy vs. Jason: Body Count

Jason Voorhees
3 : Trey - stabbed with machete, folded in half in bed
4 : Blake's Dad - decapitated by machete
5 : Blake - slashed with machete
6 : Frisell (Glowing Raver) and
7 : Gibb - double impalement with a long pipe
8 : Teammate - head twisted around
9 : Shack - impaled by flaming machete
10: Raver #1 - sliced with machete
11: Raver #2 - sliced with machete
12: Raver #3 - slashed in shoulder
13: Raver #4 - sliced in stomach with machete
14: Raver #5 - slashed with machete
15: Raver #6 - sliced with machete (off screen)
18: Security Guard - crushed by heavy door
19: Deputy Stubbs - electrocuted on console
20: Freeburg - possessed by 'Freddypillar', chopped in half with machete
22: Linderman - impaled on shelf bracket
23: Kia - slashed with machete and thrown into tree
24: Freddy Krueger - arm ripped off by Jason, then own glove rammed through torso

Freddy Krueger
17: Mark - Set on fire, then face slashed

Flashback/Dream Deaths
1: Little Girl - stabbed in the eyes by Freddy (off screen)
2: Heather - pinned to tree with machete by Jason
16: Mark's Brother - motivated to slash wrists by Freddy
21: Lori's Mother - stabbed in the stomach by Freddy

Lori Campbell
24: Freddy Krueger - final decapitation with machete

(The total amount of victims from the rave is unknown.)

Pick up that stick, and slowly, and carefully now...AGITATE THE HELL OUT OF THIS SNAKE!

-"Why don't you go check the gutters."
-"Why would it be up in the gutters, Shake?"
-"That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it decided not to work."
-"Oh, I damn sure better not find that up there."
-"Well that's the last place I remember chucking it."

Montag, März 22

i was born with a tail
meow

"'No, no, Senor Finance Minister. Necesito dinero to reopen my business. Your volcano wiped out hundreds of hand-fashioned tin picture frames and I'd like to know how your government intends to compensate me.'"

When he turned up his nose at accordion lessons, they cut off his inheritance molto allegro. The Severed Pianist, next on Sick, Sad World

Dancing? Dancing? I'm sorry, but that's a courting ritual that has been antiquated since the invention of alcohol. Dancing is a huge rigmarole primarily enjoyed by females, using it as a weapon to piss the shit out of the opposite sex. Alcohol is our only means of a defense. That, and passing out drunk on the dance floor. And, by the way, can we just f'in eliminate sweet 16's by now? THE ONLY THING LESS ENJOYABLE THAN DOING "THE MACARENA" IS LISTENING TO THE IDIOTIC SPEECHES ACCOMPANIED BY YOUR STUPID CANDLES. On their sixteenth birthday, girls should be given a 6-pack and a roll of condoms, because that is generally the age they become drunken whores.

"the only correct way to give a hand job is with your mouth"
-William Bakshi

I'm fucking sick and tired of girls wearing pants or shorts with words written on their asses. Look, either a) you're attractive, so we're already staring at your ass, or b) you're unattractive, bringing unwanted attention to most likely a rather large and cavernous area. So please, for fuck's sakes, stop it.

Q: What's long and hard on a black man?
A: The first grade

I told my shrink that everyone hated me. He told me that's nonsense, I haven't even met everyone yet.

this may sound kind of dumb, but i just found out what flavoured condoms are really for!! wow!! and i thought they were for the girls advantage. Lucky men haha.

Sometimes when I pee, I go girly style and do it sitting down. Well, you know, sometimes I just don't feel like doing it standing up...

I do so hope I get some road head soon, because masturbating and driving is really more trouble than it's worth.

Dan Cunningham is back. To all my perverse, twisted, and loyal fans, I apologize for the absence and hope the week found you well. With no further ado, I shall resume my normal blogging routine.

Freitag, März 19

We start, then, with nothing, pure zero. But this is not the nothing of negation. For not means other than, and other is merely a synonym of the ordinal numeral second. As such it implies a first; while the present pure zero is prior to every first. The nothing of negation is the nothing of death, which comes second to, or after, everything. But this pure zero is the nothing of not having been born. There is no individual thing, no compulsion, outward nor inward, no law. It is the germinal nothing, in which the whole universe is involved or foreshadowed. As such, it is absolutely undefined and unlimited possibility -- boundless possibility. There is no compulsion and no law. It is boundless freedom.

Samstag, März 13

Elvis - Jesus Similarities: Coincidence or fate?

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbour." Elvis said: "Don’t be cruel."
Jesus is the Lord’s shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus was part of the Trinity.’ Elvis’ first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water. Elvis surfed.
Jesus’ entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis’ entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock)
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)
Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
Matthew was one of Jesus’ many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) Neil Matthews was one of Elvis’ many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
"Jesus countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." Elvis wore snow-white jump-suits with lightning bolts.
Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Mary, an important woman in Jesus’ life, had an Immaculate Conception. Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis’ life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.
Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God. Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.
Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
Jesus’ Father is everywhere. Elvis’ father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis’ favorite high school class was wood shop.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns. Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters. Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate. Elvis’ face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.


In my life, I have prayed but one prayer: oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it.

Freitag, März 12

Sometimes I think I am a cat. I have no perception of the difference between species- its a huge psychological problem that I have to be treated for, but if I ever foget to take my medicine I have to stay away from cats.

ATTENTION
To guys who walk around without shirts on: I do not want to be your friend.
To girls who walk around without shirts on: I want to be your friend.

Experiment with a little wasabi and the whole world's a critic

Since I've been informed that there's at least 3 or 4 people reading this crap, I've decided to continue churning it out. The world is most likely worse off for this decision, but eh who cares.

I had the utter misfortune of seeing the movie Paycheck tonight, starring Ben Affleck and Uma Thurman. For the parts that I actually stayed awake for, it was horrendous. It was a Total Recall ripoff with worse acting. Yes, that's right, Ben Affleck is a worse actor than Arnold Schwarzensenator. At least Arnold has an amusing accent, while all Affleck has is a butt on his chin and stupid facial expressions. Not to mention the dialogue was so simple a deaf person could have handled it. I kept on waiting for Uma Thurman to just whisper "kill bill." The whole movie centers around a machine which can predict a future; however, upon seeing your future, you can then change it. Therefore, the machine does nothing. It is a machine which shows you what MIGHT happen. Wow. Powerful. The movie is a joke, and the punchline is that the "Paycheck" most likely refers to your money funding Ben Affleck's paycheck.

Hey, listen. I've been feeling, I dunno, a little blah about the blog lately. Is anyone still reading this or enjoying it anymore? I never thought I'd last this long, but as of late the blogging has been more of a chore than a joy, but I don't know if it's just a phase or what. So if people still want this thing to keep going, let me know, because I'm not sure. Thanks.

Could a family of ghosts be living in your house, rent free? Freeloading Familial Phantoms, next on Sick, Sad World.

I told my shrink that everyone hated me. He told me that's nonsense, I haven't even met everyone yet.

Donnerstag, März 11

Q: What is a redneck virgin?
A: A 7-year old who can outrun her brothers.

If you seriously wear a wife beater, I can't take you seriously.

A pronoun is a noun that gets paid for what an amateur noun would do for free.

Mittwoch, März 10

I take my music very seriously. See these cuts on my wrist? I heard the spice girls were getting back together.

Thank heavens they caught em. Police nab alleged gnome-napper. Damn it, crimes like this deserve the death penalty.

Eh-Holes
Canadians
Canadians are known for saying 'eh?' a lot.

"I did an evil thing. In September of 2002 I got drunk and slept with this girl I would have never hooked up with had I been sober. A few months later around April of 2003 I get a call from her and she tells me that she is pregnant. At first I got real worried but then I realized it was only once, I used protection and this girl really gets around. I consoled her and told her I would be there to help in any way I could. At the time I was bs'ing her but then an evil plot hatched in my mind. My favorite band Phish was set to start touring in July (now it was late May) and I had a tickets to see a few shows. I really wanted to go on a whole tour like I used to do in college but now I had a real job making such getaways tough. I work for a large corporation with great benefits. I saw my way to exploit the system. The company I work for gives an extra week of vacation time and $500 to newleyweds and two weeks vacation and check of $1000 to parents of newborns. I realized if I married this girl and admitted to being the father of this child I could possibly get enough time off work to go on tour and a nice check to help finance it. By the first week of June we were at the courthouse for a shotgun wedding, the baby was born on June 15th and by July 1st I had three extra weeks of unused vacation time and a check for $500 and $1000. The Phish tour started on July 7th, by the 5th I was on the road to Phoenix. I up and left her without saying a word and did not return home until August 5th two days after the tour ended. Needless to say she was an emotional wreck. I however had one more ace up my sleeve...I demanded a paternity test pronto. Sure enough the test came back clearing me of my obligation to her and the child and I had seen most every show on the tour! I felt bad for a while but she should have never rushed into marriage without knowing who the real father was and I was able to have the divorce complete by the time I went to Miami this past December for Phish's new years run."

The word short is longer than the word long.

"When is she going to die?" I say.
"Before we get back," he says.
"Then why are you taking Jewel?" I say.
"I want him to help me load," he says.

When I have a kid, I'm going to teach him how to play baseball, but I'm going to use a golf ball. This way, when he's older and goes to play with other kids, he'll be like "You guys use a ball this big? You guys must really suck!" Then he'll beat them in baseball and therefore be greater than the other children.

Dienstag, März 9

people who use phrases such as "I'm a champ" or "like it's my job" are rarely are fun to talk to.

there's someone in my head, but it's not me

It was the greatest thrill of my life to have personally broken the padlock on the gate that cruelly held these cows,' Animal Liberation Front member Ross Kreutzman said. 'As long as I live, I'll never forget the lazy, sluggish look in those cows' eyes as I shoved them through the gate with all my might.'

That's a motorcycle jacket. It's made out of leather to protect you from scrapes when your head's bouncing off the grill of a truck.

Criminals beware. This detective won't talk... but you will! Mime and Punishment, next on Sick, Sad World.

Behind every good man, there's a woman getting him a beer.

Alright lets go. These candies melt, I can't use them as slugs in the toll basket.

Physical preferences in sexual partners has changed over the years. Although the skinny supermodel is the supposed 'ideal' female figure today, back in the past a thin frame was due to a lack of money to buy food, and a decent tan was developed from working the fields, and both were signs of your peasant status. All the wealthy female nobles were chubby and pasty, which was commonly found attractive. Do you realize what this means? If you had a time machine, you could go back in time and score a rail-thin tan peasant woman, no problem. There were droves of underappreciated females in the past that men would kill for today. Internet time pimping would be a profitable business.

I think being black is more of a socio-environmental deal than just a matter of skin pigment and genes. I base this hypothesis on a caucasian friend of mine who has lived in 2 towns in his life, both pre-dominantly black in population. This friend is now an adept basketball player and has an enormous penis. Therefore black is not a color, but rather a society, a culture, a way of life.

P.S. this means that although my friends skin is white, I do have a black friend.

'u'
'you'
is two letters going to really take that much time out of your life?

Montag, März 8

I KNOW HOW TO SELL PRODUCTS! DON'T SHOW THE PRODUCT AT ALL!
WHAT ARE YOU SELLING? MCDONALDS? SHOW SOME BLACK PEOPLE AND PLAY SOME HIP HOP!
MTV? HOW ABOUT A GUY WASHING A PUBE OFF A BAR OF SOAP AT 33 DEGREES!
STD CREAMS AND OINTMENTS? PEOPLE LAUGHING AND SMILING!

PEOPLE ARE STUPID! CONFUSE THEM INTO BUYING YOUR PRODUCTS, DON'T TRY TO ACTUALLY ADVERTISE BECAUSE THE PUBLIC HATES HAVING ACTUAL FACTS ON WHAT THEY ARE BUYING

Honestly, is there a real need for underwear? Other than the stigma society perpetutates that its necessary, there's no cause for it. It's simply another method of the mega-million clothing corporations to exploit our hard earned dollars. If you girls think $85 dollar lingerie is sexy, try going commando one night and see what response you get. You'd be surprised. In summation, I'm not wearing underpants anymore.

I hate pop music

If I listen to it too much I get depressed and have to listen to heavy metal

I got my dog neutered because it kept looking at the hamster funny.

Does a high ranking religious figure evacuate his bowels in a wooded area?

Sonntag, März 7

35% of accidents are cause by pixilated
The other 65% are not alcohol related
What does this tell us about the drunk drivers
They seem to have a better record than
The sober team

I've got two words that will completely eliminate the sport of hockey: Sumo Wrestler. If you can't score, you don't have a game.

hookers don't like to snuggle

Samstag, März 6

I like to lick things. I lick everything I can when no one is looking. One time my mom caught me licking a chair and I said I dropped some jelly on it.

I'm almost positive that sooner or later I'm going to get into a physical confrontation because I support freedom of sexual preference. I won't try and defend myself either at first. I want to be able to just resolve the matter with words. Being Buddhist can be pestering in high school.

Unfortunately, I'm only human. There can only be so much I can stand. I'm now carrying a baseball bat and a pitchers glove in my truck (Glove is so the bat isn't considered a weapon if my vehicle is ever searched).


Watch out everyone, the fag has lost it's temper and has a bat.

You're the dogend in my beer can
You're the stone in my left shoe
And when I think of great disasters
You know I always think of you
You're the snowdrift on my motorway
The snake in my grass
But most of all baby you're a pain in my ass

Don't call me Rich, don't call me George, just call me Cheeze, that's who I am
and I wish I was George not Cheeze

King Cobra: Don't let the smooth taste fool ya.

THE VANDALS

'Euro-Barge'

Here in America, respect your fellow man
Some foreign cultures don't understand
We got this little rule and it's called elbow room
Pertaining to the spacial occupancy you consume

It I'm in front of line, then you should stay behind
Until I get my iceless soda.
It's such a simple thing it's called first come first serve
Wooden clogs that smash my feet I really don't deserve

In every region it seems there's a legion of impatient close talking slime,
that cut in line.
Barge me with your walkin' spray me with your talkin'
I am the ambassador of kick your assador

What's your affinity for my vicinity.
There's plenty room here in your country
It's just etiquette to use deodorant.
Maybe smelling bad's the way you choose to represent
Boozy and stinkin' I smell what your thinkin'
I just need a little more space Get out my face

Barge me with your walkin', spray me with your talkin'
Back the fuck up ass hole shut your bread & cheese hole
Tryin' to make myself clear, give me just a foot here
You offend my sinus, I'll kick your royal highness
I'll see your Euro-barge by friend, and raise you one Ugly American

Barge me with your walkin' spray me with your talkin'
Push you out of the way sock you in the pate'
Step right off you inbred, hygiene like a deadhead
I am the ambassador, of fuckin' kick your assador!"

I woke up this morning to do some homework before class. When I turned on my desk lamp, my room mate groaned in his slumber. He rolled over and began talking his sleep. At first it was incomprehensible, but then he said quickly and distinctly don't touch me don't touch me don't touch me! It was at this point that I realized that he wasn't asleep at all but wide awake, and that I was touching him.

Freitag, März 5

...and that was the second time I got crabs.

Wisdom is thus not what men first of all seek. They seek, instead, the justification for what they happen to cherish.

I'll tell you who my hero is. The man who decided that selling burnt pretzels would be a good idea. People honestly buy these burnt pretzels, I'm not joking. For years, the pretzel companies have been making pretzels and throwing the burnt ones away. Finally, this guy was all like, hey let's just sell em! This guy had the bright idea to sell what was previously GARBAGE, and you know what, it worked. For exploiting and taking advantage of the common populace by selling them garbage, he is officially my hero.

Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

you know whats fun? making waffles naked, leggo my eggo

"I had a friend once who told me that the worst mistake you can make is to think you are alive, when you're really asleep in life's waiting room. The trick is to combine your working rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams. Because if you can do that, you can do anything. Did you ever have a job that you hated? That you worked really hard at? You have a long hard day at work, finally you get to go home, get in bed, close your eyes, and immediately you wake up and realize that the whole day at work had been a dream? It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for minimum wage, but now they get your dreams for free."
-Waking Life

Donnerstag, März 4

You're aware that while it affords one the momentary illusion of satisfaction, the spewing of bile is never a permanent solution.

Dear Dan,
How can I tell if I have been circumcised?
-Confused

Dear Confused,
hahhahahhahahahha

Damn, do I look sharp in my suit or what? I have to look good for my court date today. It's such an unfair justice system, ours is. Sure, we beat the shit out of those kids. Sure, they were Jewish. So what? I don't like big noses, ok? Wish me luck guys!

"As far as I can make out, edgy occurs when middlebrow, middle-aged profiteers are looking to suck the energy, not to mention spending money, out of the quote/unquote youth culture. So they come up with this fake concept of seeming to be dangerous when every move they make is the result of market research and a corporate master plan."

I think if you propose to a woman and she says no, you should be allowed to punch her in the face just once. Also, this only works for the first proposal, if she keeps saying no it's your own damn fault. Oh yeah, and this would only apply to couples; you can't just propose to girls off the street so you can punch them in the face.

Brought back from the grave by black magic, but no one taught them to cross at the green. The Jaywalking Dead, next on Sick, Sad World.

Baseman is wicked. Wakeman is biased.

I want to love someone. I really do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever.

"The less active the body, the more active the mind. I had been sitting for days, and my mind made this curious excursion into a tangential problem: Let's say my shopping list consists of two items: Soy sauce and talcum powder. Soy sauce and talcum powder could not be more dissimilar. Soy: tart and salty. Talc: smooth and silky. Yet soy sauce and talcum powder are both available at the same store, the grocery store. Airplanes and automobiles, however, are similar. Yet if you went to a car lot and said, 'There are nice, but do you have any airplanes?' they would look at you like you're crazy."

you can't spell funeral without fun
but it's only fun until somebody gets hurt

Mittwoch, März 3

hey everyone, my mom cancelled our aol account so right now TheyCallMeCun is my only working sn

Dienstag, März 2

90% of life is showing up. I'm blown away by your ability to show up.

The fact that you can wash a dirty cup out using clean water from your brita, and then dump the dirty water back into the brita to clean it again just blows my damn mind.

if a guy is good at giving back rubs, chances are he doesn't want to get with you

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears

Montag, März 1

You are correct sir, I do put the dan back in dangerous.

"Personality, I mean that's what counts, right? Personality, I mean that's what keeps a relationship going through the years. Like heroin. I mean, heroin's got great fucking personality."
-Trainspotting

seriously, I'm not racist
I have a color tv

when i'm alone i dance in my pj's and i love it

isn't funny how two of black people's favorite things are only one letter apart? rap and rape, i mean.

This is an awesome Kung-Fu Mixer. Click on the link, save it, and enjoy.
I Know Where Bruce Lee Lives

You . . . deserve . . . a break today . . . sooo... get up and get away ... to McDonald's ... two all-beef patties ... special sauce ... lettuce ... pickles ... onions... on a . . . sesame seed bun . . .
Dee... deedee... dundadee . . .

An older man and a young girl are walking along a dirt road holding hands. They come upon a forest. As they begin to enter, the young girl comments "I'm afraid to go in." The older man says "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

I very much enjoy the occasional black out from drinking. While I agree with Dave Attel that it resembles time travel during the process, my favorite part is the morning after. You wake up in a place you don't know, no idea how you got there, or why you're wearing a turban sleeping next to a 12 year old child. Blacking out is like playing detective. You get all the pieces when you wake up, but you have to work backwards to figure out just what happened. Like if I wake up with a black eye and bruises around the groin (happens occasionaly) I have to try and piece together why. My most memorable black out was when I woke up without a stitch of clothing on except for a nicotine patch. Apparently, I picked up a smoking habit and managed to quit all in one night. I was so proud of myself I went and bought myself another beer.

"There's a positive message in my music. It's fuck you."
-Eminem

I'll never forget my dad's last words to me. "Careful son, I don't think the safety is on."

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