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Sonntag, Februar 29

"Can you get me a drink?"
"I'll get you some water."
"That's not what I said."

No puedo creer que no es mantequilla!

Samstag, Februar 28

I'm a proton, you're an electron. Let's get together.

Terror travels... by trike! Underage Road Rage, next on Sick, Sad World.

Freitag, Februar 27

"inhabitants are having sex, which is in itself scheduled."

Thin-skinned no-humor pansies! You tell em an ice breaker
or two about women-libbers, gays, environmentalists,
several minorities, the homeless, a couple of religions,
anorexics, obese people, the handicapped, old-farts,
baldness & people who walk real goofy cause they just had
a vasectomy and suddenly they get all sensitive! Like I
offended one of them or something?

Thank God so many people feel the need to put up the quote "I'm Rick James bitch!" on their aim crap. It's like painting a tree with an X so you know which ones to chop down.

Hey! I'm a single male age 17-21! I go to college and am ultra-hip! I should start playing the guitar! It's cool because I no longer am just another face in the crowd, my natural musical ability will distinguish me from all other guitar playing posers! (Even though they have nothing to do with this decision whatsoever, it is entirely derived from my own love of music and desire to express myself.) And I am sure I will finally bag all those slutty chicks who normally go after the jocks!

I think they should combine the words 'lonely' and 'horny.' "I'm so lorny Michael, please hang out and touch me."

"Life's hard Tommy. Sometimes I think it's the hardest thing there is."
-Chuckie, Rugrats

Remember when you were little and you thought your dad was superman? Then you grew up and found out he was just a drunk who wore a cape.
-Dave Attel

Broken promises never bother me. I just think, "why did they believe me?"
-Jack Handey

"If it had been possible to build the Tower of
Babel without ascending it, the work would
have been permitted."

It's not just about alcohol.
Addiction comes in many shapes and guises.
And each one can be
Obsessive
Compulsive
Destructive!

I talk to myself all the time. Instead of saying I'm going to go outside I say, "You wanna go outside?" or "We're going outside."

Donnerstag, Februar 26

Relax. Take it all with a grain of salt lightly. Slice of life with no butter or margarine. Tastes like chalk anyhow.

My buddy's in the foxhole
With a bullet in his head
Medic says he's wounded
I know that he's dead

I tried to explain to the cops that much like Luke Skywalker or Yoda I was using "the Force", but they kept on referring to it as "rape."

Remember: eating disorders aren't diseases, they're lifestyles. Anorexia is phat!

I'm not ignorant, I'm indifferent
I'm not lazy, I'm apathetic
I'm not uninterested, I'm disinterested
I'm not smart, you're an idiot

Are microbes having sex in your drinking water? H, two, Aaaaoooh! Next, on Sick, Sad World.

Q: Why'd the feminist cross the road?
A: To suck my cock

My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on Easy Street. Instead, I've got an office on 49th Street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm a private eye. Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual.

Well I had a very interesting mardi gras. Me and my friends went out to our favorite bar for some fun. I had an in with the bartender, so there was a veritable river of booze flowing for us. Inebriation took hold, and we began trying to distribute our beads for enjoyable favors. Not my forte, dealing with the opposite sex always makes me a ball of nerves and I most likely wouldn't have gone about it at all if not for alcohol. So I offer this one girl my beads, and she tells me that we should exchange them in the bathroom. Inside the bathroom, she requests that I put them on for her. I'm very nervous and feeling quite uptight, so plead with her to put them on herself. She refuses to take no for an answer, and makes me put them on for her. My hands were all jittery and sweaty, so of course I messed up and strangled her by accident. I freaked out, because I knew this kind of thing was against the law. So I ate her. I don't know what her diet consisted of, but she sure gave me bad gas.

"I'm a simple man, Hobbes."
"Simple? Yesterday you wanted a rocket powered car that could turn into a submarine!"
"I'm a simple man with complex tastes."

Now is the time to try something new.

I love you but, I hate you
Which brings to mind how much I love you
We could have worked this out you know,
In a little room
In a little locked room

I'm sorry you had to settle for Dave
The one-dimensional man
He's filed under cock-sucker in my little black book
Sweetness can rot your teeth
Bittersweet can cough on me

But you hold the key, you hold the key
To my little locked room
You hold the key, you hold the key
To my little locked whoah-whoah

Please let me out soon

I luv you

Oh Right! Like I was the only guy to laugh at the joke about the gay midget with the cleft pallet.

If someone tells you that everything happens for a reason or it's all part of God's plan, punch them in the face. Since that was meant to happen, they can only fault God, not you.

"Your petitioners are Atheists, and they define their lifestyle as follows. An Atheist loves himself and his fellow man instead of a god. An Atheist accepts that heaven is something for which we should work now -- here on earth -- for all men together to enjoy. An Atheist accepts that he can get no help through prayer, but that he must find in himself the inner conviction and strength to meet life, to grapple with it, to subdue it and to enjoy it. An Atheist accepts that only in a knowledge of himself and a knowledge of his fellow man can he find the understanding that will help to a life of fulfillment.' "

-AmericanAtheists.com

Mittwoch, Februar 25

the problem with most people is when they're not drunk they're sober

The whole concept of Mardi Gras is fabulous. Tits needed their own holiday.

Dienstag, Februar 24

Dear Dan,
I need to know what a good gift would be for a Bat Mitzvah. If I give money, how much? I need some advice on that.
Thanks...
Somewhat Stranded

Dear Somewhat Stranded,
Go out and buy a cheap wooden cross. If you can't afford a cross, tie two sticks together. Hand it to them personally when you arrive and say "See this? This is why I don't like you."

I had fleas and ticks but I bathed in low-fat milk and now I only have ticks.

I'm sorry, but hip-hop does not make me want to jump, jump.

if I was chinese and some stupid american came up to me and ignorantly made reference to my stereotype of being naturally inclined intellectually and mathematically, I would probably get real offended and try to prove him wrong with a scientific equation or something

i take the dan out of american

Precisely, what law was he breaking, the having too good a time rule?

There is a legend passed down from generation to generation. People say that the lead singers of Evanescence and Good Charlotte are destined to have a child together; and that child shall go on to revive the band known only as "VANILLA ICE." It's times like this that one can only pray for spontaneous combustion, otherwise we're doomed.

Can you teach an old dog to turn tricks? Ruff! Canine Callgirls next, on Sick, Sad World

I'd dream I fell & hurt my head my head on a fishbowl, hurt myself just bad enough to work graveyard shift at a convenience store. A group of Hari Krishnas always came in at 4am and bought 16 gallons of Mr. Slushi and a package of banana flavored Ding Dongs, then the Swedish Bikini Team jumped out of a magazine and read Moby Dick to me inside a giant carton of cottage cheese. Why? I'd ask myself, what could it mean? Am I mad or is the world just a mystery too complex to understand?

Montag, Februar 23

If I wanted a lecture about money I coulda waited till Sunday and stolen from the collection plate again.

I finally figured out how to link stuff on the side over there, so I will be putting up ridiculous websites now. The random pic of the day is updated (get this) daily, so feel free to check that on a regular basis.

If you can read this sentence, you are qualified to work at Starbucks. Now go get me a latte asshole.

Sure, there's plenty of free porn on the web, but it's full of ads! How rude can you get? Coming in between a man and his member to try and sell him stupid shit he don't need. At that moment in time, all he probably needs is a few more minutes of privacy.

I always think of good come backs way too late, ya know? Driving down the road, trying to jerk off and drive at the same time, and all of a sudden... it hits me. "Shit! That's what I should have said to that SOB! Too bad he's dead now." You know hot it is. So then you try and get one of your other friends to say the same insult to you, just so you can zing him but still have the appearance of spontaneity. "C'mon, what EXACTLY did I do to your mother?"

"I think I can coach the Knicks. They really suck."

The Norwegians have always been a strange people.

Q: Want to hear a joke?
A: Woman's rights.

We have been getting screwed by the system. The system that forces us guys to like girls. All right? We're getting pushed into this. What if we just take the girls out of it? We can have our own system, it's a counter-system. And then, you do things together, you swim, you row, you... boat, you eat, you stink. We can just be guys! You can have sex, you can do it, you know, many guys at a time, but it's not gay.

-Slackers

Sonntag, Februar 22

You kill 10,000 neurons with a single ounce of alcohol. With enough consumption, you become a dullard, like a business major.

In a new place
I don't know where
to show my face
I try to make friends
But I'm worried they might end
relationships will bend
I don't what what to say
'Cept there's something goin on today,
But there's a doubt
Maybe I will scream and shout

-Emo Book

"We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather."

my journal is the antithesis of all other online journals
why?
because it's interesting

'You down with the OMC, yeah you know me.'

I would like to learn how to shuffleboard now, in my youth. This way, by the time I reach the ill-fated 'nursing home' age, I will be the shuffle-fucking master. I'll run my own racket, hustling the other old folk out of dentures and medication. Seriously, in those nursing homes dentures as good as cigarettes in prison. With my earnings, I will set up my own grandma whore house. I'll pimp out all the under 60-70's chicks to the near death old men, and nobody will be able to touch my Flsuhing Waters nursing home dynasty! Don't ever fuck with Old Man Cunningham.

....so then I said, "sure you got it out this time, but sooner or later it's going to get lodged there permanently Grandma."

Thank God I don't have all that money weighing me down, us poor folk sure can run fast. Biggity-biggity-bang!

i was working at burger kind and i hurt my finger by something falling on it and i put a frozen hamburger on it and it had a little blood on it cuz i was bleeding and i cooked it and served it

Death or velvety green? Homicidal houseplants next, on Sick, Sad World.

Know what keeps you awake? Drinking your own urine. Wakes you right the fuck up.

Dear Dan,
I am in the 6th grade. I used to be considered a nerd/weirdo. I still haven't had a girlfriend. I found a girl I like, but I am not sure if she likes me. She isn't exactly what you'd call popular. I want to tell her, but I don't want to ruin my new reputation. What do I do?
Sinceriely, an anyomous 6th grader

Dear 6th Grader,
There's really only one way to handle woman, and if you learn this lesson in 6th grade you will go far in life. Next time you see her in school, walk up to her on the lunch line, knock her milk down, tell her she's a booger face and slap her in the face. Woman crave this kind of treatment. Anyone who's anyone beats their wife, trust me. This will also solidify your 'coolness' level at full. Nobody calls a guy who treats women like shit a nerd/weirdo. I bet you get laid by next weekend, good luck kid!

Q: What's the difference between 1000 dead babies and a corvette?
A: I don't have a corvette in my garage

A while ago I caught my mom singing "Stacy's Mom" to herself. I didn't know how to handle it, and have been living in denial ever since.

Remember the good old days, back before cops came down so hard on prostitution? I was such a happy 5 year old.

That fucking period commercial with the girl and the guy in the boat. Do all girls carry a damn BOX of tampons with them at all times? She was afraid of having 20 periods while out on the lake? Maybe she was having an extremely heavy day? Seriously, as if those period commercials aren't horrendous enough, they have to be so blatantly idiotic and poorly thought out?

Can mute people burp?

Samstag, Februar 21

The flesh is willing but the spirit is weak.

Freitag, Februar 20

Weeping Icon Lyrics

Getcher slickest Sunday duds on - let's go see the weeping icon! Been held over at St John's: the one and only weeping icon! It ain't some weird tortilla... it ain't some ratty shroud. Our own parish has the icon! Jesus Christ, I'm proud!

You'd have to be a fuckin' moron not to love the weeping icon. Hold it while I get my Nikon: say "cheese" to the weeping icon! Honk if you're consumed with reverence, and don't let no-one take my place in line. Wouldja look at that there icon... man, oh man, it's fine!

Someone musta peeled an onion! Only kiddin'... 'scuse me, icon. More tears than a telethon... well, that's why it's called the "weeping" icon! It useta be just some stoopid picture, but now it's on the news! God gave us this weeping icon. That'll show them Jews!

-Written by Michael "Sport" Murphy


Q: How do you lose a friend quickly?
A: Sodomize his sister.

My older cousin used to always talk about getting stoned all the time and how much fun it was. After weeks of begging he finally agreed to take me out and get me stoned. He sat me down inside of a circle of his friends and they all threw rocks at me. When I was bashed and bloodied, my cousin asked me if I liked getting stoned. I cried and told him no. Now I smoke pot all the time.

Not sure if you're gay? Here's a quick test: go check out your girlfriend. If she has a penis, you're probably gay.

I have been dubbed by my sexual partners as "the energizer bunny." Partly because of my stamina, but more so because of the cymbals I use during sex.

porno:
Grandma's Gone Wild!!

I put the dan back in dance

I Get Wet
I Get Wet when the party is dying
I Get Wet without even trying.
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet whenever you trying
I Get Wet when I know that you're dying.
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet
I Get Wet

-Andrew WK, I Get Wet

Donnerstag, Februar 19

What does your foot odor say about your sexual prowess? Sniffing For Love on the next Sick, Sad World

"I don't drink water, fish fuck in it."
-Oscar Wilde

Q: What's the difference between a British man and his girlfriend?
A: His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldarado convertible,
Hot Pink!
With whale skin hub caps,
An all leather cow interior,
And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights.
YEAH!
And I'm gonna drive around in that baby,
At 115 miles per hour,
Getting one mile per gallon,
Sucking down quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers.
And when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers,
I'm gonna wipe my mouth in the American flag,
And then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side,
And there ain't a God damn thing anybody can do about it,
You know why?
'Cause we got the bombs, that's why.
Two words, Nuclear Fucking Weapons OK.
Russia, Germany, Romania,
They can have all the democracy they want.
They can have a big democracy cake,
Walk right through the middle of Tienemen Square,
And it won't make a lick of difference,
Because we got the bombs OK!
John Wayne's not dead,
He's frozen.
And as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the duke.
And he's gonna be pretty pissed off,
You know why?
Have you ever taken a cold shower?
Well multiply that by 15 million times,
That's how pissed off the duke's gonna be.
I'm gonna get the duke,
And John Desimeties,
And Lee Marvinhaugh
And Sam Beckinforth,
And a case of whiskey,
And drive down to Texas,
And,
(hey, Hey, You know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you shut up and sing the song pal
-Dennis Leary

Mittwoch, Februar 18

voting is for old people

Dear Dan,
I like drum and bass. What do you recommend?
-DnB in Michigan

Dear DnB in Michigan:
Castration.

"I'll see you in hell Costanza."

I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. But then I got distracted and missed it. Oh, my friends tried to describe it to me, but it's not the same. Well I'll let you get back to your business.

i quit drinking years ago, i just have a few lapses a week.

Today, medical science recognizes that some folks are not helped by relaxing exercises. In cases of difficult tension and nervous apprehension, doctors are now prescribing medicine. It makes those fear that they're about to quit feel like they're ready to begin, bidding their darkened spirits goodbye for the calming peace of a cloudless sky.

whorebagation
whorebagelds
whorebaguelchellen
whorebagnards
whorebagecian
whorebaginlandory
whorebagementifillowerers
whorebagene
whorebaggratry
whorebagiansidenabdonn
whorebagrazoness
whorebagrased
whorebaguent
whorebagedath
whorebagminualed
whorebagglitz
whorebaggly
whorebagnobluencepication
whorebagool
whorebaganger

original porno title:
"In Space, no one can hear you Cream."

Dienstag, Februar 17

Step 1 Get a frisbee from the store or friend.

Step 2 Clean the Frisbee.

Step 3 Make sure your parents aren’t around

Step 4 Put something slippery on it, like butter or cream.

Step 5 Get really super pissed.

Step 6 Fold the Frisbee hard (this is crucial)

Step 7 Keep folded and insert Frisbee into mouth hard.

Step 8 Push hard until you can’t see it.

Step 9 Wait.

Step 10 Die.

-www.RealUltimatePower.net

You don't know how it got there, you don't know who it belongs to, you don't even know what the hell it is, but you do know one thing: you've got to eat it.

Here's a question: if you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you do? No punchline, no joke, just a hypothetical situation. Think about it. Some answers have been 'go to opposite sexes locker room' or have been as simple as 'masturbate.' What would you do?

"How's your boyfriend?"
"We're together."
"I love you."

Q: How do scientists exercise?
A: By jumping to conclusions
HAHAHAHA

my penis was used as a blueprint for a building, they call it a "lighthouse"

Could a family of ghosts be living in your house, rent free? Freeloading Familial Phantoms, next on Sick, Sad World.

Dear Dan:
I have this sick compulsion. Whenever I see a Burger King, I go in and order a whopper. I then throw away the sandwhich, but keep the wrapper. I then violently smell the wrapper multiple times a day for about a week or so. I don't know why I do this, and it's becoming harder and harder to hide this strange habit from my friends and family. Please help me.
-BK Lover

Dear BK Lover:
I guess you really need it your way eh, you twisted fuck? Next time you get an urge like this, punch yourself in the head until you pass out. See if you still want to do it anymore after a few head-punching sessions.

There are 2 things that everyone needs to do more of in this country:
1)thinking
2)relaxing

if these two activities were practiced more often, then we would have an easier time keeping those damn arabs out of our land

Everyone has always been so good to me.
No. Listen. I want to tell you something. You've misinterpreted everything. The old woman who bent down and gave you sugar-covered buns did not love you. You were not loved the way you thought.
Of course, I still feel an affection for myself-someone so happy, cute, funny-?
No, I'm trying to tell you that people hate you. I'm trying to explain to you about the people who hate you.
Why do you think that they all love you? And what do you think they would love about you? What are you? There's no charm in you, there's nothing graceful, nothing that yields. You're simply a relentless, unbearable fanatic. Yes, the commando who crawls all night through the mud is much much less of a fanatic than you. Look at yourself. Look. You walk so stiffly into your kitchen each morning, you approach your cupboard. You open it, and reach for the coffee, the coffee you expect to find on its shelf. And it has to be there. And if one morning it isn't there- oh, the hysteria!- the entire world will have to pay! At the very thought of the unexpected, the unexpected deprivation, you begin to twitch, to panic, to pant. That shortness of breath! Listen to your voice on the telephone, listen to the tone that comes into your voice when you talk to one of your very close friends and you talk about your life and you use those expressions- "what I need to live on..."-"the amount I need just in order to live..." Are you cute then? Are you funny then? That hollow tone- "the amount I need..."- solemn, quiet, no histrionics- the tone of hysteria, the tone of the fanatic- well, yes, of course- it makes sense. You understand your situation. Without a place to live, without clothes, without money, you be like them, you would be them, you would be what they are- you would be the homeless, you would be the comfortless. So of course, you know it, you will do anything. There are no limits to what you will do. Without the money, your face would become the face of a rat, your hands would be paws- sharp, nimble, ready to scratch, ready to tear.

I spent last night drinking rum in my room by myself, swallowing swedish fish whole and watching lifetime while crying over the travesty that is my life.

Just kidding, I had sex with your mom!

Q: How do you kill a hundred flies at once?
A: Hit an ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

I am an upstanding member of society. I donate to charities regularly and attend Church every Sunday. I am 6 foot three, weigh 185 lbs, and go to the gym 5-6 times a week. I am courteous and polite to all I meet, I drink in moderation and have never smoked anything a day in my life. I am fairly confident that I am a decent person with a good soul, but there are nagging little voices in my head that have been getting harder and harder to keep quiet. The curiousity is killing me. How far could I punt a real live baby?

Todays funny porno title:
Humped Back at Notre Dame

Montag, Februar 16

Worms Make Dirt
By The Aquabats

Mommy?
-Yes Son?
-Where does dirt come from?
-Dirt comes from: The Worms.
-Wow! Awesome!

There is a chipmunk
At the center of the earth
And in his big oven
He bakes his own desserts
He warms the ocean
And from that, life springs forth
Little organisms building trash around the clock

Compost heaps
Or melting pots
For Farmer John's
Smoked Sausage stocks

Worms make the dirt
And the dirt makes the earth
And all of the roots have a place to sleep now
All the chanuks have squash to eat now
Worms make the dirt
And the dirt makes the earth
And people hold hands and feel terrific
Food comes from dirt
It's scientific

Yeah! Wow!
There's so much to learn!

The Sun came from a cave
And it made the clouds go by
(Hi!)
The clouds had a conference
And rain fell from the sky
(Wow!)
Worms got thirsty
From eating too much dirt
(Yeah!)
They came up through the ground
And got eaten by the birds
(Huh?)
Some worms escaped
With their lives
(Oh boy!)
They excreted soil
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Worms make the dirt
And the dirt makes the earth
And all of the roots have a place to sleep now
All the chanuks have squash to eat now
Worms make the dirt
And the dirt makes the earth
And people hold hands and feel terrific
Food comes from dirt
It's scientific

THE MIRACLE OF LIFE IS AWESOME!
AWESOME!

Worms make dirt

Christianity was founded by Jesus Christ and the Episcopalian Church was founded by a fat slob with 6 wives who died of syphillis.

it is not how big you are, it is how BIG you play.

I work for an international law firm and go to China on business often. I visit prostitutes there quite a bit. I was in China again last month for the first time in four years and I saw a young boy of about four who looked just like me. I followed him for a little while until he went to a woman who was definitely one of prostitutes I visited in the past. So I ran away.

IMPORTANT NOTICE!!
By viewing this web page, you have now been red flagged by the FBI, CIA, and the INS
You will also be recieving an application from the KKK and the NRA

Everyone gets so pissed at the jews for killing Jesus, poor old Pilate always takes so much abuse for his decisions, but it was all part of the PLAN wasn't it guys? Jesus didn't just die, he died for OUR SINS PEOPLE! That means if the nasty old Jews didn't pop a cap in JC's ass, we'd all still be going to be hell. So I say, thank you Jews, while many not understand, I thank you.

While I'm on the topic, who decided to make the cross the symbol for the catholic church? The device that was used to slaughter our savior is our symbol? That's freaking retarded. Jesus carried the cross on his back, and then was nailed to it and died upon it. Do you think when he comes back for the 2nd time he's going to want to see all these crosses all over the place?

Sonntag, Februar 15

Q: What's pink and smells like pussy?
A: A vagina

Contrary to popular belief, Russians do come in bags.

I have a tennis
ball that bounces
right off the
wall.

I have a tennis
racket, and I
like to get a
stick and smack
it.

~Anonymous

Know what pisses me off? These girls gone wild chicks. They always get into a big water fight AND THEY NEVER WASH THE CAR.

So for valentines day my family was coming up and we were all going out for dinner. I was waiting for them to arrive, just chilling and watching tv. Well, I happened upon a wild on E! special, and after a few seconds of staring at Brooke Burke's bare belly, I decided to rub one out. I'm going at it real hard when the door opens and my whole family was standing right there watching me wank it. They arrived just at the moment of no return, so there wasn't anything else I could do. I orgasmed in front of my entire family. I apologized and began cleaning up.

People often describe me as "Quirky." I want to punch all of these people in the face.

Samstag, Februar 14

Q: Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
A: Because she was a woman.

The other day I spanked my toy animal.

All through my life people have been telling me I'm so smart. That I'm so clever. The truth is I'm just an exceptional liar. I don't understand things, but I'm good at bullshitting and making nonsense sound complicated. I mean, just because I like reading books, reading about physics, psychology, religion, society, literature and medicine doesn't mean I'm smart. I'm a moron and I'm the only one that acknowledges it, it seems.

Raping and peeing
Young girls get what they deserve
R Kelly Haiku

You know we live in a biased world. We all deal with it. Yet OJ Simpson can kill two people and get away clean, and I can't even kill one without getting in trouble! Those blacks sure have it easy.

Freitag, Februar 13

Her amputee boyfriend was cheating, so she stole his prosthesis, but he kept on hopping into strange beds. The One-Legged Lothario, next on Sick, Sad World.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up like an altar boy.

When it comes to women, looks have no importance to me. I try to not let physical appearance play a role in selecting my female companions. Tall or short, blonde or brunette, big or thin, one leg or two, it really doesn't matter. Any Caucasian will do.

So my friend Ross was going on and on about how much he hates how when he shaves it comes back thicker, fuller, darker, and quicker. As all are well aware, shaving has always caused this to happen to your hair, but why? What physical reasoning is behind running a blade over a hair follicle and having it come back with a vengeance? The answer is there is none. Yet it still happens.
IT'S BECAUSE OF THE GODDAMN SHAVING CREAM COMPANIES! I mean, logically, it has to be. The only group that wants hair to grow better is the shaving company, because the more hair grows the more money they make. It probably wasn't even that difficult. Everyone already uses shaving cream, so just add some chemical that sometimes increases hair growth. The addition is miniscule, which is why the effect takes place over time. The chemical most likely affects some people better than others as well. Nobody is going to question a small little chemical with seemingly no side effects are they? Meanwhile, the hair is flowing and profits are soaring. Don't let those damn SOBS rob you, let your hair grow. Facial hair is a rebellious act against the shaving industries. Stand up and make yourself heard with a beard. Unfortunately, you females are proper fucked, and we would all appreciate it if you continued to shave.

I dream of world domination, I truly believe the world would be a much better place with me in charge.

Um yeah hi, my name is Dan, and I blame farts on other people.

Q: What's the difference between a Russian and a bag of shit?
A: Nothing

I catch my breath. And so now they come- they come for the man who lies on his cot, the cat-like man whose face is so large, so black, that the guards who open his cell are once again frightened, shaken. They shave his head, a section of his leg, so the electrodes will fit closely on the skin.

And now the guards lead him into the chamber, and he's tied into the chair with leather straps. His arms are strapped down to armrests so the witnesses won't see them move, his legs strapped to the legs of his chair. Does panic mount in the man's heart? An attendant covers his head with a hood so none of us will see his pain, the horror, the distortion of his face. The breaking of the skin! All we see if the body shifting upwards, slightly in the chair.

Don't you think- when you're traveling in a strange country- that the smells are sharp and upsetting? And when you wake up in the middle of the night, unexpectedly, when you wake up at an odd hour, when you're traveling somewhere and you wake up in a strange place, don't you feel frightened?

I can't stop shivering.

Donnerstag, Februar 12

Some people look down on drunk driving, I call these people the cops. "But officer, the kids need to get to school!"
-Dave Attel

Fish gotta swim, and bird's gotta fly, but not when you bake 'em both in a pie! Sunday Brunch in the Loony Bin next, on Sick, Sad World


I don't care if it is your birthday. I'm fat. Fuck you.

It's the worst when you go into the bathroom and during your loaf pinching process, someone finishes next to you and leaves without washing their hands. The problem is that since you couldn't get a look at em, all you can think is "damn, there is someone on this floor I do not want to shake hands with."

Q: What do you get when cross an Italian with a gorilla?
A: A retarded gorilla.

Mittwoch, Februar 11

Mama always told me, "Son, don't shit where you eat." I'm sorry mama.

I have to get something off my chest. One time I got bored so I tapped my neighbor's telephone line. He works as one of those clowns who come to children's parties and stuff. Anyway, on that day he got a call to come over to this guy's family for a kid's birthday party. I went out and rented a clown suit and then I got to the house before him and pretended I was him. I made all the kids laugh and I did silly stuff and gave out balloons. Anyway, when the real clown got there and rang the doorbell I opened the door and saw him. I started shrieking and I jumped on him calling him an impostor clown. One kid ran off to get the phone and he called the police. The police came and they arrested the real clown because they thought he was the impostor (but really it was I who was the impostor clown). But then the cops got suspicious so they started questioning me. I held them off for a bit and then I told them I needed to use the bathroom. They said ok so I went into the bathroom, locked it from the inside, and snuck out the window. I ran really really far.

"Many Americans joke about my popularity in Germany. But they have no idea how beautiful Europe is and how rich it is in culture and fun and warmth and children. In Germany children have brought me thousands of flowers." -David Hasselhoff

I'm incredibly curious as to what it would feel like to break all of the 10 commandments.

I've been a candy connoisseur for quite some time. Brands come and go, that's the way life is. The best candy name I have ever seen in my life, and which I'm afraid is no longer in operation to date, would be "Butt Ugly." It was a sour gumball, and the catch phrase was "So sour, your face will turn butt ugly!!!! I bought a handful immediately, and I daresay I turned butt ugly. Seriously, how does that idea actually make it all the way down to the production phase? And how the hell did it fail? BUTT UGLY

Lord it's hard to be happy when you're not using the metric system

12 inches per foot two pints per quart why don't we make it easy? The English system of measurement must relate to history. We can use units of 10 and convert with ease like all the other countries. I am in command yes I am taking a stand from this disease we must be free. Good god!

You're drunk with your tradition that has no validity well I'm intoxicated with sports in metrics come drink a deciliter with me we want metrics we want it now we know we can win I weigh 170 pounds that's 90 kilograms see metrics can even make you thin

All cool things are in metrics for example here's just one: I've got my 9 well that's 9 millimeters, sounds cooler than my point two seventy inches gun.
The president will not exist and they will call me communist and call me scum but its worth it Canadians will think we are smart or at least they will think we are not as dumb.

You're drunk with your tradition that has no validity well I'm intoxicated with sports in metrics come drink a deciliter with me we want metrics we want it now we know we can win I weigh 170 pounds that's 90 kilograms see metrics can even make you thin

The revolution is here we must overcome at last as we symbolically stick their fucking foot up their fucking ass, guitar! You're drunk with your tradition that has no validity well I'm intoxicated with sports in metrics come drink a deciliter with me we want metrics we want it now we know we can win I weigh 170 pounds that's 90 kilograms see metrics can even make me thin
-Atom and his Package

Dienstag, Februar 10

In this canine go-go bar the specialty of the house is hot dog! Lapdancing Lapdogs, next on Sick, Sad World.

Q: What's grosser than 100 dead babies in a pile?
A: A live one in the middle trying to eat it's way out.

My cousin and i were playing and i wanted to know if she could fit into the dryer. She climbed in but became scared when the drum started to move a little. It was then that i shut the door.

movie recommendation of the week:
Slumber Party Massacre

When Trish (MICHELE MICHAELS) decides to invite her high school girls' basketball teammates over for a slumber party, she makes three big mistakes.
Number 1: She snubs the pretty new girl next door (ROBIN STILLE).
Number 2: She forgets about teenage pranksters Jeff and Neil (DAVID MILLBERN and JOE JOHNSON).
Number 3: Her biggest mistake. She doesn't know about an escaped mental patient (MICHAEL VILLELA) who will soon be dropping in on the party...with his portable drill!

Written, directed and produced by women, SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE will scare you right down to the core. You'll love it!

Close your eyes for a second...and sleep forever.

The Ultimate Driller Killer Thriller!

You bring the pizza... I'll bring the drill!

The guy with the drill is a real party killer!

So you thought it was going to be just another boring weeked?...

to the very few people who read this pile of shit:
there is no option to post comments because I don't give a damn what you have to say. the whole point of this thing is for me to say whatever the hell I want and see if anyone reads it. if you like it, great, if you don't, awesome. my suggestion box happens to be located inside your anus, so please place your ideas up in there.

Montag, Februar 9

Batman is such a complete homogay. One of all, he's barely a superhero in the first place. He has a lot of money, owns many non-fatal weaponry, is the queen of the grappling hook, knows how to fist-fight, and that's about it. Oh yeah, he has the mystical magical power to lure small 10 year old boys to live with him and get them to wear tights. Very useful. Seriuosly, the first Robin gets too old, Batman goes and acquires another small boy. That one dies, and he manages to find another. Three little boys, even the Catholic Church would be impressed. Next issue, Batman joins the clergy! He always has this on again off again romance going on with Catwoman, and you know why it never works out? She has a vagina. Pure and simple, don't overanalyze it. Also, how the hell does Batman continually beat Superman with a kryptonite ring? I agree, that uppercut would be extremely hazardous to Superman's health, but couldn't he just laser off batmans head from like a mile away? Oh right, I forgot, Batman's mr. 'secretive.' The whole dark knight thing is a metaphor meaning he hasn't come out of the closet yet.

The Green Lantern is sweet.

Q: Why did hitler kill himself?
A: He got his gas bill.

When I was little I was really mean to people's pets when nobody was watching. I really feel bad about it today but I guess it was just one of those crazy things you do as a child. I blame my parents.

I'm a magical horse who lives in a well.

Women. What could you say? Who made 'em? God must've been a fucking genius. Hair. They say that hair's everything you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls and just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips. And when they touched yours were like that first swallow of wine after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-hah! Big ones, little ones. Nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns, or second-hand Steinways, but what's between them... passport to heaven. I need a drink.
-Scent of a Woman

Manners is such a small detail which can have a large impact on a person. It isn't too difficult to say 'please' and 'thank you' now and then is it? It always warms a little piece of my heart when someone says thanks to me after I hold a door open for them, and it always drives a tiny little nail down when they don't. Maybe Maybe Ted Bundy wouldn't have been so apt to murder and rape if he'd recieved a few more thank you's along the way.

Q: What do u call 4 mexicans in quicksand?
A: Cuatro sinco.

If taking vicodin and drinking on a monday afternoon is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Sonntag, Februar 8

HEY WHY DON'T YOU GO STOP HAVING SEX WITHOUT YOUR GRANDMA WHILE WATCHING THE CROCODILE HUNTER ON DVD WITH SIX TUBS OF ICE CREAM TO SUCK DOWN YOU FAT ASS NARCISSITIC INCESTUAL SON OF A BASTARD BITCH

Certain things cannot be questioned. The coffee has to be there on the shelf, and no thought may enter your mind if it conflicts with the assumption that you are a decent person. So go ahead, think, think freely, think about anything you like. Think about your health, other people, the ones who treat you badly, think about the complicated ways in which you mistreat yourself, think about the children afflicted with incurable diseases who were interviewed in that magazine. Think of all the things which show that you're decent, which show that those who are like you are decent: your friends, your loved ones, and all those people all over the world, in every country who remind you of yourself, people of good will who have a little money but believe sincerely in a better life for all. Think of all the things you've done that were kind, think of the kindness of all your intentions. And if something that you did turned out badly, think of the good motive behind the action, smile, nod your head, understand, accept. Don't talk to people who don't think you're decent. Don't read books, don't read articles, by writers who don't think you're decent, who don't think those who are like you are decent. Their writing is based on a false assumption. It's skewed, distorted. Your thought must be founded on truth, the truth that you are a decent person.

What deadly new diseases can you pick up... by sitting down? Toilet Seat Terror, next on Sick, Sad World.

I would feel complete in my life if i spent some time in a mental institute, became a drifter, wrote a book, and started a religion.

Samstag, Februar 7

A good idea for a sitcom is one about these siamese twins, but one is evil and one is good. Siamese twin on the right joins green peace, siamese twin on the left joins the KKK. One trips you and knocks you down, the other helps you up. The antics never end. Then a girl falls in love with both of them, but can't choose between good and evil. Her decision is a strong symbolization of the warring ethics inside each and every one of our souls. The siamese twins also have a pet monkey with a huge sex drive.

this is your life, and it's ending one beer at a time

Q: What's the useless skin around a vagina called?
A: The woman.

When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I feel the cool rush of skiing in the Alps, or skating in Alaska, or bobsledding in Lake Placid!
But, while I'm enjoying my York Peppermint Patty, the rush makes me oblivious to the chocolate melting in my hands. The chocolate gets on my keyboard, my mouse, my desk, and every other spot to which chocolate can stick. And when I go to throw away my York Peppermint Patty, I trip over a shoe because I'm too busy looking for a paper towel. I fall over and hit my head on the corner of my desk, cutting it deeply. The sight of my own blood causes me to regurgitate my York Peppermint Patty. Getting up and running to the phone to call 911, I slip on my own vomit, fall down again, and break my neck. And so my warning to all little children: don't smoke pot before eating a York Peppermint Patty

It's quite a web site when Civil War buffs get in the buff. www.gettysbare, next on Sick, Sad World.

tasteless joke of the day:
Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: Full

Freitag, Februar 6

"Naomi Campbell, Naomi Campbell."
"Oh yes, that's me!"
"Your word to spell is: compass."
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Sure. Your people killed Jesus. Compass."

I think on the bottle of aspirin they should just put what aspirin won't do. Aspirin will not bring a dead hooker back to life. So stop taking it.
-Dave Attel

Nazi's always show up unwanted
totally normal squash practice, uneventful and peaceful. I was teaching a couple of my squashmates this move I picked up on the internet that was so cool your opponent immediately defecates. In the middle of my lesson, a bunch of Nazi's bust in the door! Figures, they always show up at the most inopportune time. Turns out they were ready to start their raquetball practice; they were having a tourney at the next skinhead function. Think quickly, I thought to myself. I mentioned that I saw a couple of minorities swimming around in the pool earlier. They didn't buy the lie because minorities can't swim, of course. I was terrified this blunder would land me in a raquetball concentration camp. Luckily, I quoted a couple lines from mein kampf and told them about a bake sale going on outside. Man seriously, fascism is so world war II.

The Night Santa Went Crazy

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin toys
For the good gentile girls and the good gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled yuletide rambo
And he smiled and said, with a twinkle in his eye,
merry christmas to all, now you're all gonna die!

The night santa went crazy
The night st. nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of cupid and comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got dancer and prancer with an old german luger
And he slashed up dasher just like freddie krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and barbecued blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, it tastes just like chicken!

The night santa went crazy
The night kris kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the north pole
Without stepping in reindeer guts

There's the national guard and the f. b. i.
There's a van from the eyewitness news
And helicopters circlin round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin, the body count's risin
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, virginia, now santa's doing time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now vixen's in therapy and donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say mrs. claus, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin bout the night santa went crazy
The night st. nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin gypped

Wo, the night santa went crazy
The night st. nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain

People seem to think that I have so much ambition and so much drive. I always make out as if I am so independent (and I am) but secretly, the ultimate dream would be to get married, have kids and be a housewife.

Donnerstag, Februar 5

A vision of Christ in a half-eaten candy bar? Talk about my sweet lord! The Immaculate Confection, next on Sick, Sad World.


Q: What did the little Mexican boy get for christmas?
A: My bike.

Ten little Indian boys went out to dine; One choked his little self, and then there were nine. Nine Little Indian boys sat up very late; One overslept himself and then there were eight. Eight little Indian boys traveling in Devon; One said he'd stay there and then there were seven. Seven little Indian boys chopping up sticks; One chopped himself in halves then there were six. Six Indian boys playing with a hive; A bumble-bee stung one then there were five. Five Indian boys going in for law; One got in Chancery then there were four. Four Indian boys going out to sea; A red herring swallowed one then there were three. Three Indian boys walking in the zoo; A big bear hugged one then there were two. Two Indian boys sitting in the sun; One got all frizzled up then there was one. One Indian boy left all alone; He went and hanged himself and then there were none

Personally, I hate animals. I understand their neccessity in nature, and I am not saying we should get rid of them or anything, but they suck. I often find myself verbally abusing animals, and even though they don;t understand what I'm saying it still is enjoyable. Why do people buy pets? You want something to feed bathe and clean up it's shit? Have a damn kid. They're less likely to bite you, and those thumbs sure come in handy when you want them to do some manual labor for you. "But my dog LOVES me." No shit fucktard, you feed it. If his stench of ass is equal to his love for you, you guys should get married. If you are looking to animals for love, you have issues to deal with. Chances are, you purchased this animal. That means you are buying love. Congratulations, you're basically purchasing prostitution minus the orgasm. Hell, if you're from the south, maybe you are getting the whole package anyway. Also, when you're buying your cute little whore of a pet, you do know that it is almost certain you're going to outlive the piece of shit don't you? You are tying yourself to a loving relationship which is going to end painfully at an accelerated pace. Good for you, why don't you hang around the hospital and pick up a cancer patient? If you're going to enjoy a short-lived loving relationship, you might as well be able to play checkers out of it. Heck, you probably won't even have to pay!

Back from beyond the grave... and he still won't pay child support. A dead deadbeat dad, next on Sick, Sad World

Mittwoch, Februar 4

Q: Why is tylenol white and not black?
A: It works.

i've never really told anyone before. i dont mind being fat. i like to eat a lot. people always make fun of me though. i like gravy sooo much. my god i could eat a cat right now....

Sometimes I just don't understand people. It's the 21st century, but prejudice and judgmental people still make up the majority. Fordham students have to deal with these injustices so often, it makes me physically ill. I was riding the subway today, minding my own business, not hurting anybody. All these people kept on looking over their shoulders at me. You could feel their disgust radiate off them in waves. It's really the eyes that you remember. They'd look me straight in the eye and I could visibly see their repulsion. Like I said, it's not easy being a Fordham student, and I was not going to let these close minded philistines dictate who I was supposed to be. If they really want to judge and segregate, it's their own problem. In their eyes, I may be a lowly Fordham student, but I paid two dollars to ride the D train just like the rest of them. So I paid them no mind, I just kept on masturbating.

contrary to popular belief, whatever you eat before you exit a grocery store is free. while on the topic, have you ever found yourself standing in the middle of an aisle holding a bag of rice cakes (original flavor of course) and just wondering how much pot you would have to smoke before considering this crap food?

movie recommendation of the week:

Sorority House Massacre 2

These girls party 'til they panic...a killer has crashed the bash and he's really hooked on them. Now they must struggle to stay alive with only their brains and their bustiers to support them.
It's Cleavage vs. Cleavers and the result is Delta Delta Deadly!
Same Sorority - New Massacre!!!

Dienstag, Februar 3

I'm trying to get my money and my life to run out around the same time. If I can die next tuesday after lunch, that'd be perfect.

Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?
A:"I feel like a kid again."

Do you remember that day in school when you were playing with those three other children, and the teacher appeared in the room with four little cakes and gave all of the cakes, all four of the cakes, to that little boy called Arthur, and none to you or your two other friends? Well, at first all four of you were simply stunned. For that first moment, all four of you knew that what had happened was unjust, insane. But then your friend Ella tried to make a little joke, and Arthur got furious and he hit Ella, and then he went into a corner and he ate all the cakes. It was an example of someone getting away with something.

And your life is another example. It's the life of someone who's gotten away with something. And yet your fanaticism is so extreme that you won't let that thought come into your mind.

GEE!!
I wish I were a MAN
I'd join the NAVY

BE A MAN AND DO IT
UNITED STATES NAVY

Montag, Februar 2

Why is cannibalism illegal? I understand and agree that murdering people should be against the law, but why eating people? I bet there are some people out there who would probably be pretty tasty, and although I'm not going to say any names, you know. I suppose that the argument against eating people would be that it is disrepectful to the person and that it would be offensive to their families. One of all, the person's dead, I don't think he/she will care that much, but to solve these issues, who deserves to be eaten then? That's right, criminals! We keep giving the chair to these bastards, and then what? Bury them? Pretend that we respect them after we in fact just KILLED them? I say we go the whole nine yards and eat them. Hell we make such an ordeal out of COOKING them and all. We should take them outta that big ol' chair and throw 'em on a plate. If cooked and served properly by a good cook, I guarantee it would be delicious. It could become like a very sophisticated deal, with human meat becoming an exquisite delicacy afforded only by the most profitable upper-class. This way, all those hard earned tax dollars those criminals suck out of the economy through food shelter and alllll that other shit would be paid back for.

All right, counter argument would be "But Dan, what if rich people don't WANT to cannibalize?" You're right, they are a bunch of pussies anyway. So who would eat human meat? That's right, the poor. There should be a soup kitchen which serves toasted criminal to the impoverished masses. If they're starving to death, I guarantee they'd have no qualms about dining homo sapien for the evening. And as far as the soup kitchen or the cannibal cafe, there's no need to limit yourselves to just prisoners and criminals. If people can sign up to be organ donors, why not just go the rest? Sign up for your body to be eaten after your death. C'mon man, take one for the team!

Q: What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumb and blind girl?
A: Break her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

"There are a couple ways to approach treating pre mature ejaculation. One is the “squeezing technique”. If a man senses that he is about to experience premature orgasm, he interrupts sexual relations. Then the man or his partner squeezes the shaft of his penis between a thumb and two fingers and applies light pressure just below the head of the penis for about 20 seconds, lets go, and then sexual relations can be resumed. The technique can be repeated as often as necessary. A man can also just try taking slow, deep breaths."
-Dr. Buzzy

this is for Rob Miga, hope it helps man

offensive joke of the day:
Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from feminists.

Sonntag, Februar 1

when drinking by myself I prefer to be alone

Well I'm sure you're all dying to know how the squash trip went this weekend. Some of you may have already heard the tragic tale. Friday's match went without a hitch, Fordham losing all our matches quick enough to grab an early dinner. That was fine. On saturday though, we played Conneticut college at 7am. During my match, I was next to my opponent and was struck dead between the eyes with his racket. I really don't remember it too well, and then I woke up in an ER room. I had 12 stitches in my head, and had lost a lot of blood. But wait, it gets worse. The doctor comes in and informs me that I had recieved a blood transplant due to my lack of blood loss. Then however he told me that they had recieved word that the blood I recieved was tainted, and that I had now been diagnosed with HIV. I suppose I was in complete shock, I was numb. I just kept thinking that it couldn't be true, you know? It's hard to face the fact that you're going to die, much less that you're going to die most likely very soon. So I called my house and told my mom, and she cried and cried and I tried to tell her it was ok, but how can you convince someone of something you have no heart in? Finally, the doctor couldn't take it anymore and broke out laughing. Turns out the whole thing was a big gag. Boy, was my face red!

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